We are both sick. Can I leave without guilt?

I just left a similar situation, Left a partner after caring for him for 6 years. He promised me everything & in the end I got nothing. Amazingly, after I left, the family which didn't help at all while I was doing everything, stepped in to care for him. Should have done it years ago.

Why are you asking a question that there is a simple answer to which will improve your quality of life and mental health. Of course you can leave him - he isn't really with you anyway, and you need support as much as he does. Get your family to come and pack your stuff and take you to somewhere where you will be loved and cared for not basically used as a skivvy. You deserve better - take it.

NotSouthern: Imho, who am I to tell you to leave your partner? That decision is a very personal one. Best wishes.

You don’t have to blame this on him or the relationship, it doesn’t have to be fight or even negative at all. Sad perhaps, the end of any relationship even a toxic one is always sad in some ways but this could and should be presented as a positive for both of you. “Partner, living through this Time with you, watching you make the sacrifices you have and care for your dad, coupled with both of our health issues has made me face my own health needs. The time is coming when I won’t be able to care for myself without help never mind care for you properly and watching you with your family makes me realize I need my own. Not only do I miss them, I see that I will need to rely on them in the near future so I have decided to move back to Illinois. I was happy to move here with you, especially when you had your father to consider but it has never really been my home and just like you want and need your family around I need mine too. I don’t expect you to want to move back with me, I understand it’s not about me it’s about your need for your family. If you want to purchase the house from me and stay here and decide that before I hire a realtor, fantastic but if not Im going to put it on the market as soon as possible. I just don’t want to live through another hurricane season here. I would love to help you find a place and get settled in the meantime too. I hope you will support me and help me do this, I care about you very much and separating from you has not been an easy decision but I know in my heart that we each need or families as our medical needs increase and our families simply live too far apart for us to have both.” Forget any blame or regrets and give him some options and ownership of his decisions while you take ownership of yours. No guilt, no pleading or supporting your case this is what you need to do for you now just as the mob to Louisiana was what he needed to do for him (and the case col be made what you needed to do for you because being with and supporting him was that important to you then). Good luck with the move and good for you taking care of yourself and your priorities.

I think it is time for you to leave at this point especially if you're very sick yourself, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. You might want to explain to him why you are wanting to leave so he won't feel rejected. I would also explain to your family about your sickness and a good reason you are having to move back home ahead of time and tell them when you want to come instead of just dropping in on them.

You should not tell him your plans In case he try’s to take your money. Just plan your trip and GO. You can write or call him after you SAFELY leave. Don’t trust him if he’s abandoned you .

You just answered your own question. If your relationship has been bad and he abandoned you go home. Stop putting guilt on yourself. Don’t be a Martyr.do what’s best for YOU. Good luck 🍀

If you have mingled funds in any bank accounts, make sure you get your half out of each account before you tell him you are moving back home. When he hears you are finally going to take care of yourself and sell the house, he very well might lash out and rush to drain all accounts of every penny. If you are jointly on the accounts you won’t have a leg to stand on.

So many people we trust to be fair and honorable, end up being anything but fair and honorable. I’ve personally been devastated by thinking my partner was honorable, and got screwed out of LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Everything. I got the police and lawyers involved, they tried to help, but his name was mutually on all of my accounts, and he took it all and got away with it.

Do not trust your soon-to-be-ex partner. Protect yourself.

Paul Simon can tell you the 50 ways to leave....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABXtWqmArUU

Leave your life is important too. I realize that it will be hard, but 10 years, Uhm, go.

10 years is long enough to hang on a cross---if you have been unhappy for 10 years, why spend one more week with someone you don't really care for?

I know the dynamic of mixed 'stuff', finances and furniture and all may seem daunting to cut in half--but look at it this way: you are starting a whole new chapter. You can probably pack and ship what is absolutely necessary and live with a sib until you are able to find housing.

In the end, the stuff you have acquired together is just that: stuff. And other than your clothing and maybe some small pieces of furniture--wouldn't it feel good to have control over your own life again?

You did the kindest thing to uproot your life to help your SO. Now that's over, take care of YOU. No need to fight it out, just calmly state how you feel and move forward. He likely won't help you, but you can do this.

This seems like a no-brainer to me. Why be loyal to him when you were basically “abandoned” when he moved back home. You need to be around your own caring, loving family.

You say it's not much of a relationship anyway, so why stay. Wish him well and tell him it's time for his family to help him. Go back home and put your own care team together for yourself.

I don't even know why you're second guessing yourself. You need your family right now. After ten years, it's time to go! Your partner may not blink an eye ...

Everyone agrees! Go.

I'm sorry you're having these health troubles. You know what you need to do. Life can be better for you, but you have to believe deep down that you deserve to have that better life, and you have to commit to putting yourself first for once. He has his network, and he made his choice long ago. He'll be okay.

The family in Illinois—can you reach out to any of them and ask for help with the logistics of moving back home? A sibling, a cousin? If this relationship has been bad for a while, they may be happy to help you extract yourself. I wish you the very best of luck and happier, healthier times in the future.

I think you should be free to move back to be with your family. But I think it's good to feel some guilt about your decision because I understand your partner is also sick. You would be rather heartless to feel nothing if you decide to leave him and move back to Illinois. Have you discussed this decision with your partner?

Pack your bags and head on home.
After 10 years I would not worry about making a graceful exit.
(although after 10 years you blood has thinned out a bit and you are returning here at the start of a pretty chilly time of year...)

You do say in your profile that you are caring for him in YOUR home. If this is the case making an exit, packing your bags and leaving might not be so easy. Or graceful.
If you are both on the house deed one will have to buy the other out. Or you can force the sale. If it is your house you will have to legally evict him or he can buy you out. Might be something to talk to a lawyer about.
If there are any joint assets that also needs to be taken care of. Louisiana is a Common Property Law state so assets would be divided equally (although it does not look like Louisiana recognizes Common Law Marriage so it might not matter...again a lawyer would be helpful)

If for 10 years you are secondary to him, it's time to make yourself primary to yourself . It won't be easy and extricating yourself won't be graceful. It's time to go.

Well, for one thing instead of writing about it, you should have a nice sir down talk with your partner letting partner know how you feel and what your plans are.
You're not wanting to do any more than what he wants and is doing now.
Ya'll both want to be around your own family.
Maybe partner will decide to move with you, if that's an option.
Bring around your family cab be nice or it can be lonely.
Juse because you move back. Doesn't mean you'll have family seeing you all the time. Everyone has their own life to deal with.
You may move back and only have a visit from a family member once a week or once a month when at least with your partner, you have someone around constantly.

Best thing is talk it out with each other and be realistic about the future.

This seems like a no brainer. You supported him all these years, you have no real relationship anymore, you want to be back in Illinois. Your sentence is up. Go.

Your last sentence says it all. Leave and do what's best for you. You are not obligated to stay and care for someone that has not really put you first or cared for you. Your health must be your priority. No guilt is necessary. Just tell him you have to go to concentrate on getting better and can get more help with that back home. If he doesn't take it well, that's his problem, not yours. Just go.

Tell him that you need to move closer to your family so you can have help with your health. Let him know you would like to stay in contact - only if that is your desire.

He has his family to lean on in Louisiana and you have nobody. Being unwell yourself, go where you have a support system and people who love you. Leave on good terms and with no negativity between you. That way, there will be no guilt from hard feelings.

I divorced my ex after 22 years, but should have left after 12. The last 10 years I stayed were due to misguided feelings of guilt and obligation which was a mistake. The divorce was in 2002 and we're good friends to this day.

We only have ONE go-around in this life, so be sure you're making good decisions for the right reasons. You're not deserting your partner in the middle of nowhere after he's treated you like a queen for 10 years. You're finally doing something for YOURSELF that seems long overdue.

Wishing you the best of luck with your health and with starting a new chapter of life. Change is always scary but its also like the icing on a cupcake: the best part.

You don’t need our permission to make changes in your life that make you happy!

Louisiana does not recognize common law marriage.

Follow your heart back to Illinois and don’t lose any precious time on regret.

Riley is right. You have no obligation here, so act to protect yourself.

Do contact an eldercare specialist who will advise and help you with any money or property or other assets that are involved. Take what is yours and leave - now - take with you what is due you and is yours and never look back.

My dear lady - what on earth are you waiting for? Your father is gone. Your partner has his family where he is and does not care about you. Your family is away. He is not the partner you should have or hoped for - so what if he is sick. You are too but he does not care. You owe it to yourself to live life while you still can - go home to your family where you are loved and will be looked after. This is not something to have guilt about - it is called common sense and looking to care for oneself as they should do.

Thank you to all who responded. Your comments mirror my family's but I wanted unbiased thoughts. Yes I own the house and it's in my name only (I fixed my aging care profile) and since hurricane Ida devastated the area I've been frantic getting stuff fixed outside and sorting, donating and throwing away that which is no longer necessary for my survival. My goal is to have it ready to list no later than February so I can be gone before August unleashes another storm on the state.

Why would feel guilty for leaving a relationship that has been over for many years? You've got nothing to feel guilty about, and you are now to the point that you must do what is best for you, and that sounds like moving back to Illinois, so just do it. Put your house up for sale, and let your partner know that they will have to be out by the time it sells. Wish them well, and get on with living your life and taking care of your health. Life is too short and precious to continue living in misery. Best wishes.