We are both sick. Can I leave without guilt?

Please choose to care for yourself in whatever way you know is best. There’s zero reason to stay in a place or with a person that’s not good. Guilt is for those who’ve done wrong, that’s not you so don’t let that false emotion in. Tell your partner you’re going to leave and care for yourself, and then don’t argue or discuss it again. Your partner has his own family to help, it’s time you make this break. I wish you well in changing life for the better

You answer most of your own questions - you’re not married, the relationship is bad and always has been, and your partner has never put you first. No guilt involved in leaving. There is nothing there which gives even the faintest hint you have any obligation to stay. You have no connection to his family so are unlikely to ever see them again, so any guilt you would have would be only that which you choose to carry, and based on how you describe the relationship, that should be none.

On the more practical side, your profile says you own the house (assuming you are the “Cindy” being cared for). Evicting your partner may be a hitch in the plans. Your state does not recognize common law marriage, so your partner is likely legally considered a renter/roommate. This is a case where a divorce may have been easier as the laws and protocols are in place for dealing with such a breakup. You may need to consult an attorney anyhow for the best procedure to remove this person so you can sell your house and leave.

Is someone telling you that you should feel guilty about leaving?

Put your home up for sale and leave. Inform your partner of your plans and that you are moving back to family. If this causes you guilt, so be it. I think, however, that will be overriden by knowing you will be back with your family and with those who support and love you.

How to leave gracefully:

Don't argue and place blame.

Explain that you have chosen a different path than him.

Don't say anything in anger, no matter what anyone says to you.

Handle the house and belongings as a business deal. What's his is his and what's yours is yours.

Take care of you and don't worry what him or his family thinks, they haven't cared about you in ten years, they ain't gonna start now, so don't believe any sentiment expressed to manipulate you.

Change is hard, so decide on a course of actions and stick to it.

Best wishes for an easy transition.

I know ur a woman from your post but looks like your profile is incorrect.

Do you own the house? If so and partner is not on the deed, then sell it, giving him papers that say he needs to move out by a certain time. Ask the Realtor if he can represent u in the eviction if ur partner refuses to leave. U can give temporary POA for this purpose. That way you can leave when u want to.

If you want to move home, do it. And you reasoning is sound. You too are ill and cannot take care of him and he can't take care of you. He has support there and you need to go home where your support is.

Go gracefully by finding resources he may be able to use. The County Office of Aging may help u with this. Ours provides Senior bussing and aides if he fits the income requirements. Medicaid has "in home" help but then again, he has to have a certain income.

Do not allow your leaving to drag on. If the house is not yours, then moving will be even easier. Explain to him that he has never made you a priority that's been his family. And that's OK because they now can care for him because you don't feel you owe him anything at this point. To make moving easier, give him the furniture. Only take your personal stuff and what you need to start over. Sell things.

If you don't make this move, you will regret it. Your gut is trying to tell you...time to go.

Why would feel guilty for leaving a relationship that has been over for many years? You've got nothing to feel guilty about, and you are now to the point that you must do what is best for you, and that sounds like moving back to Illinois, so just do it. Put your house up for sale, and let your partner know that they will have to be out by the time it sells. Wish them well, and get on with living your life and taking care of your health. Life is too short and precious to continue living in misery. Best wishes.

Thank you to all who responded. Your comments mirror my family's but I wanted unbiased thoughts. Yes I own the house and it's in my name only (I fixed my aging care profile) and since hurricane Ida devastated the area I've been frantic getting stuff fixed outside and sorting, donating and throwing away that which is no longer necessary for my survival. My goal is to have it ready to list no later than February so I can be gone before August unleashes another storm on the state.

My dear lady - what on earth are you waiting for? Your father is gone. Your partner has his family where he is and does not care about you. Your family is away. He is not the partner you should have or hoped for - so what if he is sick. You are too but he does not care. You owe it to yourself to live life while you still can - go home to your family where you are loved and will be looked after. This is not something to have guilt about - it is called common sense and looking to care for oneself as they should do.

Do contact an eldercare specialist who will advise and help you with any money or property or other assets that are involved. Take what is yours and leave - now - take with you what is due you and is yours and never look back.

Riley is right. You have no obligation here, so act to protect yourself.

You don’t need our permission to make changes in your life that make you happy!

Louisiana does not recognize common law marriage.

Follow your heart back to Illinois and don’t lose any precious time on regret.

He has his family to lean on in Louisiana and you have nobody. Being unwell yourself, go where you have a support system and people who love you. Leave on good terms and with no negativity between you. That way, there will be no guilt from hard feelings.

I divorced my ex after 22 years, but should have left after 12. The last 10 years I stayed were due to misguided feelings of guilt and obligation which was a mistake. The divorce was in 2002 and we're good friends to this day.

We only have ONE go-around in this life, so be sure you're making good decisions for the right reasons. You're not deserting your partner in the middle of nowhere after he's treated you like a queen for 10 years. You're finally doing something for YOURSELF that seems long overdue.

Wishing you the best of luck with your health and with starting a new chapter of life. Change is always scary but its also like the icing on a cupcake: the best part.

Tell him that you need to move closer to your family so you can have help with your health. Let him know you would like to stay in contact - only if that is your desire.

Your last sentence says it all. Leave and do what's best for you. You are not obligated to stay and care for someone that has not really put you first or cared for you. Your health must be your priority. No guilt is necessary. Just tell him you have to go to concentrate on getting better and can get more help with that back home. If he doesn't take it well, that's his problem, not yours. Just go.

This seems like a no brainer. You supported him all these years, you have no real relationship anymore, you want to be back in Illinois. Your sentence is up. Go.

Well, for one thing instead of writing about it, you should have a nice sir down talk with your partner letting partner know how you feel and what your plans are.
You're not wanting to do any more than what he wants and is doing now.
Ya'll both want to be around your own family.
Maybe partner will decide to move with you, if that's an option.
Bring around your family cab be nice or it can be lonely.
Juse because you move back. Doesn't mean you'll have family seeing you all the time. Everyone has their own life to deal with.
You may move back and only have a visit from a family member once a week or once a month when at least with your partner, you have someone around constantly.

Best thing is talk it out with each other and be realistic about the future.

If for 10 years you are secondary to him, it's time to make yourself primary to yourself . It won't be easy and extricating yourself won't be graceful. It's time to go.

Pack your bags and head on home.
After 10 years I would not worry about making a graceful exit.
(although after 10 years you blood has thinned out a bit and you are returning here at the start of a pretty chilly time of year...)

You do say in your profile that you are caring for him in YOUR home. If this is the case making an exit, packing your bags and leaving might not be so easy. Or graceful.
If you are both on the house deed one will have to buy the other out. Or you can force the sale. If it is your house you will have to legally evict him or he can buy you out. Might be something to talk to a lawyer about.
If there are any joint assets that also needs to be taken care of. Louisiana is a Common Property Law state so assets would be divided equally (although it does not look like Louisiana recognizes Common Law Marriage so it might not matter...again a lawyer would be helpful)

I think you should be free to move back to be with your family. But I think it's good to feel some guilt about your decision because I understand your partner is also sick. You would be rather heartless to feel nothing if you decide to leave him and move back to Illinois. Have you discussed this decision with your partner?

I'm sorry you're having these health troubles. You know what you need to do. Life can be better for you, but you have to believe deep down that you deserve to have that better life, and you have to commit to putting yourself first for once. He has his network, and he made his choice long ago. He'll be okay.

The family in Illinois—can you reach out to any of them and ask for help with the logistics of moving back home? A sibling, a cousin? If this relationship has been bad for a while, they may be happy to help you extract yourself. I wish you the very best of luck and happier, healthier times in the future.

Everyone agrees! Go.

I don't even know why you're second guessing yourself. You need your family right now. After ten years, it's time to go! Your partner may not blink an eye ...

You say it's not much of a relationship anyway, so why stay. Wish him well and tell him it's time for his family to help him. Go back home and put your own care team together for yourself.

This seems like a no-brainer to me. Why be loyal to him when you were basically “abandoned” when he moved back home. You need to be around your own caring, loving family.

10 years is long enough to hang on a cross---if you have been unhappy for 10 years, why spend one more week with someone you don't really care for?

I know the dynamic of mixed 'stuff', finances and furniture and all may seem daunting to cut in half--but look at it this way: you are starting a whole new chapter. You can probably pack and ship what is absolutely necessary and live with a sib until you are able to find housing.

In the end, the stuff you have acquired together is just that: stuff. And other than your clothing and maybe some small pieces of furniture--wouldn't it feel good to have control over your own life again?

You did the kindest thing to uproot your life to help your SO. Now that's over, take care of YOU. No need to fight it out, just calmly state how you feel and move forward. He likely won't help you, but you can do this.

Leave your life is important too. I realize that it will be hard, but 10 years, Uhm, go.

Paul Simon can tell you the 50 ways to leave....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABXtWqmArUU

If you have mingled funds in any bank accounts, make sure you get your half out of each account before you tell him you are moving back home. When he hears you are finally going to take care of yourself and sell the house, he very well might lash out and rush to drain all accounts of every penny. If you are jointly on the accounts you won’t have a leg to stand on.

So many people we trust to be fair and honorable, end up being anything but fair and honorable. I’ve personally been devastated by thinking my partner was honorable, and got screwed out of LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Everything. I got the police and lawyers involved, they tried to help, but his name was mutually on all of my accounts, and he took it all and got away with it.

Do not trust your soon-to-be-ex partner. Protect yourself.

You just answered your own question. If your relationship has been bad and he abandoned you go home. Stop putting guilt on yourself. Don’t be a Martyr.do what’s best for YOU. Good luck 🍀