My mom had a major stroke this summer which has left her unable to walk, talk well (it will take a half hour sometimes to figure out a word), she can't sit up by herself, can't stand, can't scoot herself up in her bed, can't bathe herself, can't feed herself, wipe herself, brush her teeth or even use the remote control to change the channel. I live 8 hours away from her. My college age daughter is currently staying with mom while she's doing school online due to COVID. However, the deal was -that when my daughter went back to school, mom was going to need to come closer to me so I could arrange care. Mom is terrified of a nursing home and I promised her I would do my absolute best to keep her out of one. I found a small house about 10 min from my home -extremely affordable and safe. I found a live in caregiver for the amount of money my mom wanted. I have POA (durable/financial and medical) and I'm her executor. Well- mom doesn't want to move and my daughter is backing her. My daughter will be gone in April. I had hired caregivers before for mom who ripped her off and stole family heirlooms. I'm not able to travel two states that often to get there. I have (in my eyes) given her everything she asked for. No nursing home, close to me, affordable care, she can have her cats, it's closer to my brother also (who has done nothing...). My problem is more of my daughter aiding her in this unrealistic quest that she can stay in her home and get a 24/7 CG for $450 a month! Now my daughter and I are arguing too. I need to move on this house or it will be gone so I'm pushing forward with it. My brother has backed me but "grandma and my daughter" are having a fit. Any advice? I'm more upset about the arguing with my daughter than my mother but I'm also upset that mom is going back on her word and not being practical.
Daughter is wanting to make Grandma happy. But her solution seems short term & wishful thinking.
Mother is against change & fearful.
You have the confidence & drive to arrange all your Mother's care, but are in danger of being the manager of a nursing home for one.
The reality is your Mother has had a life changing health crises. She is now a stroke survivor. What recovery has there been so far? What do her medical team (doctor, specialist, PT) predict based on their clinical observations?
It is ok for you all to have a big cry together! Get through the denial stage. Grieve. Join together to plan for the future.
Ask your Mother what REALLY matters to her. Is it really living in that house, that town? Or is it feeling safe? Having her familiar things around her?
What REALLY matters to you? That she is in a private home close to you? Or that she is well cared for?
Maybe "this realistic quest," is actually very realistic because your mother can stay in her home and have a 24/7 Care Giver for $450 a month, maybe you're just not understanding that they will be okay."
Which means perhaps it's time for you to step-away to let them figure-out how things will work. Whilst telling them that your mother needs to get into physical rehabilitation program ASAP.Her body must be moved physically every day, and your mother cannot be lazy in her rehabilitation.
Let your daughter know that when grandma quickly runs out of funds she will need to apply for Medicaid. Then her options are more limited and she will probably need to relocate anyway. Only 1 or a few states will pay for a full-time caregiver (40 hrs which means no overnight care). Grandmother needs medical care due to her condition, so the hourly rate of specially trained aids goes up. Privately hired aids makes your grandmother (and you as PoA) an employer and there are contracts and paperwork and withholding taxes and wage reporting that has to happen. Then if daughter and grandmother still don't understand I think it is not worth spending breath on it. They won't like it no matter what. Just make whatever arrangements she can afford and works for you as PoA and move forward. Depending on her future physical condition, she may not even use more than 1 room so why buy a her another house? Resist making emotional purchases that will bog you down with avoidable complexities. Managing it will burn you out in no time.
Your poor mom has had a sudden and profound change in her life and expectations. I don't blame her at all for feeling the way she does. But not wanting to move because your well-meaning daughter is getting her hopes up for a totally unrealistic arrangement is unproductive. This is what needs to be discussed with her. She should not be inserting herself when she doesn't have all the facts. I understand her perspective as well, but facts don't care about feelings when it comes to financing your mom's care. I wish you much courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this.
Your mother’s condition is obviously serious and complex. Has she been deemed “unable to benefit from therapies”?
You have not indicated her age, her condition before the stroke, doctor’s/therapist’ prognosis for where she is now, and whether there are ANY indications that her condition is currently stable. If you haven’t already gotten opinions from therapists who have tested her, you may want to get a look at what’s been said about her case previously.
It is ALWAYS a mistake to make promises that can’t OR SHOULD NOT, be kept. If she can’t be cared for safely under your direct care and management, residential care MAY be better for ALL of you.
EVERYONE is “terrified of a nursing home”, but SOME (my mom) do very well in residential care and SOME have problems that can be dealt with BETTER in residential care than at home.
Covid is a DREADFUL added complication to any of your planning.
If you already know that your mother is VERY resistant to your idea of moving to a home 10 minutes away from you, it may be that her unhappiness there would be the same as or worse than being in a good nursing home. Or maybe not.
My gut reaction to buying the house for her is that it may not work for YOU as well as you hope it will. Nobody can predict what she’ll do if you attempt to remove her from her present surroundings or how she’ll adjust in new ones. If You learn that her abilities are pretty much plateaued, it may be kinder for all of you to at last reconsider a residential care center.
BLESS YOU for all your hard work. Remember that sometimes all the choices are less than good ones, but decisions made with love and concern for her may be the only choices you’ll have.