Venting, advice or wisdom! I need it.

My mother uses that hateful terminology.......you are ganging up on me......as well as making comments about wishing she would die, wanting to jump out of Windows, and yada yada. All manipulation tools she likes to use, and has for many years. She also was diagnosed with progressive dementia back in 2016, at my insistence, but was exhibiting all the classic symptoms years beforehand. Everything gets worse with dementia, everything. Your grandmother sounds a lot like my mother in that she refuses to accept responsibility for ever being wrong. It's always someone else's fault...never hers. Mom is mostly deaf. If she can't hear me and I speak loudly, I'm "screaming" at her and WHY am I screaming? She is the perpetual victim. You and your dad should think about placing grandma in Assisted Living at this point because she's in need of extra care and attention that can become too much to handle after a while. If she's unwilling or unable to accept the rules you've set down in your home, and she does have dementia, things will only get worse. If she's placed in an Assisted Living Facility or Skilled Nursing Facility, they can handle her dementia as it progresses. Perhaps you can get her to the doctor and let him know you think she is suffering from dementia....quietly, so she doesn't hear you. The doc can give her a test that only lasts about 10 minutes to determine where she's at, mentally.
It's a long tough road, I know. I had to place mom in a memory care facility after 5 years in Assisted living....shes 92. Your grandma can have many years of life left, and you and dad need to decide how they will be best lived. And how your resentment can be minimized in the process. There are many ways to be a caregiver, and it's sometimes best to do it from a distance. You can go back to being a granddaughter instead of a full time caregiver. Best of luck

Just a dam' minute.

Is anyone looking at this from grandma's point of view?

This is her house. Her son moves in. Then his daughter moves in. I don't, myself, doubt that the son and the OP believe they're being helpful and respectful and tactful, but to grandma all these hints and suggestions must feel a lot like gaslighting. I'm not surprised the woman's getting paranoid. Thinks you're talking about her behind her back - oh, wait, you are! Next she'll be imagining that you want to put her away in a home, or can't wait for her to die. So that you can move the heck on with your life.

Gracex3, I think you should talk to your father about *what* is going on with the finances, the property, and the plans for your grandmother's future care. I can't imagine - in fact I think you say this - that you want to be there much longer. So what *about* the household income, your name on the title, how your grandmother's care is going to continue in future? And what's more, he needs to talk to *her* about it. Not in a "mustn't upset mother" way, but in a dollars and cents way.

You are going to be trapped in the worst possible position, where you have responsibility but no authority, and where the person who does have authority - your father - is sticking his head in the sand and hoping to muddle through by dumping half of the problem on you. And YOU will be made to feel guilty if you leave him to it. Oh, wait (again) - you already do.

You are a full-time student with a service record. When you complete your course, you will be in a great position to move out and get on with your life. That is what you should be planning to do. How your father then handles his mother's care is for him and her to sort out.

As for your concern about her dementia. You have described how angry and defensive she gets when it's suggested; and you've described how you've reassured her that there are new medical advancements - there are? Do tell - but what you haven't done is describe anything that suggests that she has dementia. The conflicts that arise are just as easily explained by the stress of intergenerational living. For example, you say:

"she insists that she isn’t told the “happenings” of our lives but, she is told what she needs to know"

Well, perhaps she disagrees with your view of what she needs to know. Perhaps she likes to be kept more generally informed about what's going on in her house, and the comings and goings of the people who live there. Or perhaps she's losing her marbles, poor old dear.

Don't misunderstand me. I realise you can't describe her medical history if she won't share it with you; and for all I know she may be showing symptoms of dementia every minute of the day. All I'm saying is that you haven't told us anything that makes me think so.

I know that you are going to think I am unkind, harsh and failing to understand how stressful this is. Actually, I do wholly sympathise, but not only with you. The situation is incredibly difficult for all of you - but she's old, and she's got fibromyalgia, and she's not looking forward to a new career and a new home.

Talk to your father. He needs to do better.

It also occurs to me that just as it seems he doesn't like to tell his mother things that might upset her, he might not like to tell you things that you might not like. The conversation you need to have is about practical facts and figures, and not whose fault anything is.

I'm assuming your grandmother's behaviors are recent. They are signs of dementia or Alzheimer's. The most important thing is to get her to her doctor any way you can manage it. Offer to go with her to help her remember everything the doctor says. It's a scary thing and she thinks of it as her being crazy when you mention testing. I would suggest you not tell her why she is going to the doctor, just that the doctor has ordered a routine checkup where you give a heads-up to the doctor. Unless she allows it, the doctor can't tell you anything, but maybe she will be aware enough at this beginning stage to let you in on what is going on and her doctor may suggest she see a specialist. The suggestions that your dad have POA is important because she is going to need help with finances and health issues.

It is very difficult to listen to her accusations when you are trying your best to help her. The first thing is to try to not argue with her. It is so hard to not stand up for yourself and to just go along with untruths. "I'm sorry you think that" is a good phrase to use that doesn't really mean you agree. Walk away from her when you feel you can't deal with what she says. Try writing down important information on a dry erase board (say it's for all three of you) so she can't say she wasn't told about household goings on. She wants to be in control of her life and she isn't. Anger is an easier emotion to get to than fear, so she uses anger to cope. Don't use it back. Breathe.

In reference to and to embellish on Countrymouse's comments, you need to remember the generation from which your grandmother came. That generation was hard-working and did not ask for assistance. They were self-reliant, independent providers. Until she is in an absolute non-sustaining independence, stop 'killing her with kindness'. If she feels she no longer has a purpose she will have no will ie you are doing more harm than good by smothering her with your best intentions.

I realize this sounds harsh, but I have an very alert 89 year-old mother who gave me a dose of reality by explaining that I needed to let her live until she dies. WOW! LIVE until we die. Isn't that what we all want?

gracegrace, I’m only scanning the thread but do have two suggestions: 1) please consider counseling and/or support group, this site is terrific but the in-person would probably do you wonders; 2) why not rent your own place anyway, you can come and go as frequently as appropriate and I’m sure your dad would understand.

I have a mom as complicated and difficult as this, and my only answer is to get, get, get people in any way I can so she has to at least lean on and put up with other people as well as me. I can’t be the target all the time, it’s toxic.

You would not be so upset were you to be looking at say a diagnosis of cancer and the changes that naturally occur with a person undergoing treatment and care. I think the mistake is to think that she is in control of any of this. Some people, with aging process become more what they always were (ie even nicer or even more mean) and some become something they never were (nice now, or mean now). This isn't in her control. She cannot control it. And your trying to understand it or hope it will change is causing you more pain than the reality of her condition. She is telling you her truth as she sees it. She isn't seeing well at present. So you are handling it well. I think that the changes we see in our loved ones, the loss of relationship that we once had, is perhaps the single worst thing in all of this. Things that happen are things we can one at a time handle more or less well, but changes in personality are so hard to see, and there simply IS no dealing with them.

I will bet my eye teeth she has dementia - she has become ego-centric, moodiness & unreasonable behavior are all signs

Don't try to argue with her - about testing you have rephrase this as a small regular test so that she can continue to drive [which is on the table now too] as she is 82 .... 'because we want you to continue with your outings'

Look up therapeutic lying on this site as you may need to learn the art - always stay as close to the truth as possible so there is less for you to remember - I did this with my mom ... so if she asked how much money she had I always used an amount that wasn't 'even' like $186,800.00 which sounds more accurate that $185,000.00 because you never know when they will twig onto something

All of you may have gotten into a rut of arguing being a way of life. Try some different tactics. Maybe a huge calendar so she could see Dad has dr appt on Friday, you are going to a study group from 7-9 on Thursday. Cook more meals at home and get her involved with whatever item she can make. If you're going to get a fast food meal, ask her to ride with you to get out of the house. One afternoon when all three of you are home, take just 1 hour to drive through her old neighborhood or to drive by something that meant a happier time in her life. Pick up some burgers and head home.

It's very, very hard but reply to her comments quietly and calmly. The 'nobody loves me' thing can be responded to with 'of course we do - do you love us?' Even if she says no, keep your cool and give her 'Well, that makes me sad'. An inappropriate comment about someone can be handled with 'it makes me sad when you talk mean about someone'. -- But listen carefully to things that you and your dad say. Do either of you talk about others in front of her?

It takes a little while to break a cycle of being mad (at whatever) and talking mean. You may never fix it 100%, but maybe you can mellow it out a little.

Here is an "out of the box" answer.
Respect.
Respect her enough to charge her rent.

Think about it.

Dementia can cause behavioral disturbances. Just take her in and have her see a brain health or geriatric specialist to get tested. Hopefully someone has POA ? If she can’t really handle finances though should she be driving?
Dementia causes agitation and anxiety which causes frustration due to “ losing control” . It gets to a point you have to just do it because they don’t have the basic judgement . If they were independent it’s going to be a war every time. This is where my mother is. She was already a narcissist so now add in the dementia and🙄. Yesterday it was 1/2 an hour of complaining on the way to the dr. I think I’m “a big shot “ so I make medical decisions she wants to make all the while telling the dr she has never fallen ( fell and broke her hip 5 months ago) is 5’7”( was 5’5” her entire adult life 5’4” now ) and she works full time and lives alone with her cat( retired almost 30 yrs ago and lives in an assisted living facility with her cat) . Sometimes you have to just take it with a grain of salt, change the subject and try to see the humorous side of it.