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I was tricked into moving in with my mom once she developed symptoms of Alzheimer's. My sisters promised me that "it would be really hard, but they would be there to help." We had a family meeting a month after I moved in and after I had time to truly assess the situation. At this meeting I was told that I wasn't doing anymore they any of the rest of them and they would NOT be helping. After the shock of the betrayal, I set forward to do the best I could for mom but that's when the true nature of how abusive my sisters were was revealed. One had POA and the other had the Medical power, I had to beg for the simplest things like a housecleaner to come in once a month. Mom had the funds to cover these things. I got a total of ten days off in the whole six years I took care of mom seven days a week.


The list of abuses by my sisters over their authority and my giving nature is too long to list. And, I was too caught up in putting out the fires (yes, some real ones) that my mom's illness presented to put too much effort into truly accessing the situation. Now, it has been a year that my mom has been put into a nursing home after I gave them a months notice that I quit. I would no longer be the mom slave and the house slave. When I first moved in she was still driving, but the time we put her in the home, she didn't know where she was or who we are so the transition was not so dramatic.


Anyway, while caring for my mom, I developed a friendship with a sweet learning disabled girl that lived next door to my mom's house. She use to come over and watch movies with my mom. I am trying to keep up the relationship with this girl by meeting her once a week, and walking her to a neighborhood yoga class. The only problem, big problem, is that every Sunday I absolutely dread going back to see my mom's house. My sister with POA is letting a neice live there for free. This weekend, I learned that distant cousins plus three of their twenty-something friends will be using the house to party for two weeks. The house is in a very desirable city and could easily rent for six thousand a month. I want it rented and I want the money to go for my mom's care. Her facility costs $8500 a month and all her savings is getting eaten away. I was severely triggered when I learned of these cousins staying there. My sisters didn't give me a single penny the whole time I care gave, and now I am spending $200 a month on therapy because I was so traumatized by the whole ordeal. Yet, they freely give to these distant FaceBook relatives. They even stocked the kitchen with $400 of groceries, beer and wine.


I don't want to get an attorney involved to go after my sister with POA because that will just eat away at my own limited emergency fund and they will just use mom's estate money to defend. What I want to do is tell the little girl's mom that I can no longer go to the neighborhood because it's so traumatic for me. My therapists says this is not a good idea because I am just giving in to avoidance. But, I took today off work because I could not calm down upon learning about this new development. I don't know how to care for myself in this situation. I want to be able to snap my fingers and say those abusive siblings will not get to me, but unfortunately, my body betrays me and releases the anger/stress hormones. Do you think my therapist is right and things will get worse if I just get away from the house? Or, do you think I am doing the right thing by getting away from the abusive reminders? I pray all the time and that does help. I do meditation, exercise, practice gratitude. It's just this severe triggering and now anger at myself for letting myself get taken advantage of by my sisters when I keep uncovering new layers of horrors like this turning the house over for a fun family party all expenses paid by mom's estate. Anybody go through anything like this with the constant mind torture (ruminations, second guessing, etc)?

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Your sisters better watch themselves. This will all come back to bite them. Your Mom will eventually need Medicaid. Sisters better be using Moms money for Mom. There is a 5 yr look back period. Mom will be penalized for any money not used for her care or for the house. Once on Medicaid, the house can be sold for her care. If not, your sisters will have to pay for the upkeep and taxes because Moms SS and any pension will go to her care. That niece may not be allowed to live there. She may have to prove she lived there at same time as Gma. If allowed to stay, she may be asked to pay rent and upkeep.

If Mom gets penalized, then sisters may have to pay for her care until the penalty period is done. Lets say sisters spent 20k of Moms money on themselves. It cost 10k a month for the facility she is in. They would have to private pay until that 20k was met. When/if that happens, you can tell them they made their beds now its time to lay in them.

In hindsight, you should have had a care agreement made up by a lawyer. I personally never would have cared for anyone unless I had both medical and financial POA.

I sympathize with how you feel, but don't punish the girl. Special needs people don't understand why people "don't come anymore". What u do gives her Mom a break. Ignore what is going on. Mom is in a safe place. Your sisters will pay in the end. What goes around, comes around.
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Shell38314 Jun 27, 2019
That is true, I have seen it over and over...karma always makes it way back around!
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If you provided live-in care for your mother for six years with no help from your worthless sisters, you owe them NOTHING! I don't care whether you got free rent or not. They manipulated you into doing all the dirty work while they held the purse strings and they want thanks for that?! I think the best way to thank them is to call adult protective services or the district attorney's office and expose them for the little power hungry money hounds they are. Basically, they're running a B&B out of your mother's house on her dime. It sounds like her facility care is self pay, but if she needs to go into a nursing home and needs to go on Medicaid, they will penalize her for the funds she "gifted," albeit unaware, to your sisters over the last 5 years. I'd turn them in for elder abuse so fast their heads would spin.

After the dust settles, continue your relationship with your mom and the little neighbor girl and leave those two sisters to their "family."
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hockeymom1970 Jun 27, 2019
100% this! You are a SAINT for taking care of your mom for so long...you deserve much better than your sisters.
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I didn't even think to look into Adult Protective Services! You are right. Looks like I may have a way to protect my mom from having her assets stolen and not used for her care.

The only reason I would want to be paid for caring for my mom all those years is if the sisters were going to use the money I saved my mom to benefit themselves. But, if I can stop this, and the money goes to mom, then I will be fine that I didn't get paid. I wanted to help. I just didn't want to be bullied.

My sisters insist I got "free rent" and I owe them because they "allowed" me to stay with mom. I try to counter that we (Mom's money) were paying $25 an hour for the caregiver to cover me while I went to my full time job. Mom couldn't be left alone. If I wasn't there, no one would stay and care for her for "free rent". The job was to demanding. It's just gaslighting on their part.

I so wish I could think of them as dead and gone!
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hockeymom1970 Jun 27, 2019
You are wonderful and I wish you the best!
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Your sister who has POA is supposed to be using mom's assets for her care. She is not doing that.

I would call Adult Protective Services in your area and report sister for financial abuse of a vulnerable elder.

Your sisters are users. If you can expose them as such, all to the good.

I'm not sure about the whole forgiveness thing. I'd at least get a free consult with an eldercare attorney to see if you have a case for suing for payment for your past services. If the lawyer won't take the case on a contingency basis (meaning that s/he gets a portion of the settlement) don't sue. You don't want to put any money into this endeavor upfront.

I'm sorry that you've been abused this way by your sisters. I think that rather than trying to force myself to forgive them, I'd start off by considering them dead and gone. You've learned a tough lesson.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I don't think it's a good idea for you to stop taking your young friend to yoga classes. I'm not qualified to comment on the avoidance issue, but what I do notice is that your friendship with this kid is just about the only good outcome of an unbelievably vile experience.

"Your little hands were made to take
The better things, and leave the worse ones..."

Also, from my own experience, the anger and rumination won't go away just because you don't go past the house any more.

Who told you about all the goings-on at the house? $400 worth of groceries etc. is pretty specific information - where did that come from?
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ptreyesbunny Jun 27, 2019
When the little girl and I returned from yoga last Sunday, I noticed that the curtains were drawn open. This is unusual so I rang the doorbell. My sister, the mother of the niece who usually stays there, answered. She was putting away the groceries and told me she had bought them for our young cousin and his three friends. She was the one who told me that "the family" (which doesn't include me of course) had invited them to stay for the two weeks and she was picking them up at the airport. I saw the receipt for the groceries on the table. I just looked at her because nothing I say matters. Thank you for letting me know that unfortunately in your experience the anger and rumination don't go away just because you don't go past the house. I value your input. And, you are right, the friendship with the little girl was a silver lining to the whole experience.
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