Any neat tricks for 'hovering' or 'shadowing'?

Terrim comments on many different posts and basically says the same thing. It is the old proverbial Honor thy father and thy mother, be grateful what they did for you as a child, you owe them and all that other BS. This person has created a lot of animousity on other peoples posts. I wish she would offer sound advice on her caregiving experience and leave out how much it is an honor in doing caregiving!

Debralee, thanks for that tidbit. Well, I'm not one for drinking her Koolaid nor do I live in Lala land. Some people don't have enough to do so they like stirring the pot. Makes me wonder why they don't use their time showing empathy instead of being a judgmental joke. Takes all kinds...

FUN, I think you and I are twins......we share so many of the same thoughts and attitudes. I loved what you wrote about finding some joy in the day: sometimes just the sound of a bird singing in the backyard is all it takes for me, or the sight of a little chipmunk hovering up any birdseed he can find on the grass below. Oh, you are so right, on SO many levels. Plus, after they are gone, who's going to remember who looked after them? THEY aren't!!
You have put so many of my thoughts into your eloquent phrasing and you seem to be a born writer.
Here's one for you: the day after I broke my leg, my daughter came over and dumped my granddaughter on me so I could babysit her. This week I have an intestinal flu, and guess who expects -- no, feels entitled -- that I should babysit her (now) two children, "because all the other grandmothers do it - you're just cold-hearted". Well her own mother-in-law told her to stop coming over!!
Don't get me wrong: my grands are the jewels and only specks of happiness that life affords me, but I do not need them to be here day in and day out, up to 8 hours at a time, til 10 or so at night. Even when their mother is here I am looking after them!! I do NOT need the extra work of feeding them, cleaning up after them, running after them etc etc etc -- hello, I have my own mother to do that for!!
Oh yes, I can hear the voices in the background "Wow what a doormat! Why doesn't she just say no? You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it", blah blah blah.
Here's how the manipulation (which comes from afore-mentioned entitlement due to spoiling and indulgence from my husband - I was railroad and outnumbered by them) works: calls up, I need to take this back to the store, it's the last day or I won't get my money back, whatever. Shows up here with the one grand, I ask where are you going exactly? Answer: downtown.
Excuse me, where do you believe you are entitled to ask me that on a Sunday when I have my own things to do, you have not been honest about the length of time you wanted me to mind her, and by the way, I am sick??
Once I start complaining about it, then the barrage begins......I (yes I!!!) am selfish, I don't care about them, I am a mean person, and then the ultimate, running to my husband with "Dad, she's kicking us out again" (never mind that they were here all day yesterday, and for meals, which she expects to have prepared for them because "all the other mothers wouldn't dare not have food for their children and grandchildren".
No means nothing to this one. The only way around this that I can see is to not answer the phone, and to be out all the time. This part is hard due to the fact that my leg is still healing.
By the way, ignore the comments above - "darling Mom" - you and I never had the luxury of having a "darling Mom", that's for sure. Let Terrim experience a "Mom" who would knock you across a room for making a face the wrong way, or pushing you down the stairs if you made a comment that she didn't like; then "Terrim" can talk.
And if they wanted someone to look after them in their golden years, they should have thought about that when they were mistreating everyone around them earlier on!
And, hope this makes you feel a little better - my husband is one of 12 children in the family......but guess who had to run to his mother's rescue when she had a stroke 15 yrs ago?? Guess who goes to visit his mother EVERY SINGLE DAY, whether it's your birthday or not, and when I said one day, do you have any idea of how much time I spend alone? says to me (ready??) YOU'RE not in a wheelchair - SHE IS.
Some people's children!!!

This is so scary. I actually feel worse about things since I've been chatting on this site. Because I've only been a caregiver for a year I was hoping things were going to get better but I guess not. I'm on my own.

This is actually good news for you. Instead of living in denial and hope, you can take positive steps to protect yourself and you won't waste time like we all did grappling with guilt until your own health is destroyed. We are telling the truth, not sugar-coating things. Caregiving is scary. You need to remember to take care of yourself. Good luck. ((((((((( U ))))))))))

Yes, get over the guilt once and for all, here and now, don't carry their shaming techiques anymore and refuse to be a guilt catcher, no more,enough is enough, you aren't bad, you can reprogram all that garbage that they sunk into you to get you to do what they wanted you to do. Free yourself.

Try rolling her around in a wheelchair and keeping her in the room you are working in as much as possible. She is frightened and feels vulnerable, much like a small child.

Much of bad behavior comes from boredom. They are depressed by getting old so they don't want to do anything; then they are bored. They want you to make them happy but they want you to make all the decisions so then they can suffer from Lead Singer's Disease (never happy with anything). Whatever you do will be wrong. This gives them something to complain about (displaced anger over their own aging). Negative attention becomes better than no attention. Take a away that shovel you hand them so they can dig a bigger hole of guilt for you to fall into. If my Mother-in-law would allow me to take her out for a haircut or to a senior massage, she might be a lot less bitchy but NOOOOO! She's rather sit at the dinner table and crap on about how miserable she is. Meanwhile, innocent children are blown up at marathon's and her biggest problem is how she is going to shit up our day.

FedUpNow -
When I first read your posts I was a little shocked, but now that I have an idea of your history, I can see why you say what you do. My best friend's mother was like yours. She remained sane by coming to hate her mother.

Some parents HAVE earned the right to our care, and taking care of them, while difficult, can be quite gratifying. I know that's not your experience, and I have seen others in similar situations. I don't condemn you at all and wish you the best. But you can be scary to listen to!

Keep on doing what you need to in order to survive.

MY MOM IS 96, AND BASICALLY DOES THE SAME, ONLY SHE DON'T KNOW WHO ANY OF US ARE ANYMORE. SO WHEN SHE CALLS MY NAME AND I COME TO HER, SHE DON'T THINK IT'S ME. 1SHE'S BEEN LIVING WITH ME FOR 6YRS. THOUGH IT'S PAINFULL THAT SHE DON'T KNOW ME, I PUSH ON. TO KEEP HER BUSY, I GIVE HER OLD SOCKS AND TELL HER TO HELP ME PUT THEM INTO MATCHES. WHEN I SEE SHE'S BUSY MATEING THE SOCKS, I DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO. I BOUGHT HER A DOLL BABY, SINCE SHE RAISED 10 KIDS OF HER OWN, AND 30 THAT WERE'NT. MAKES HER FEEL MOTHERLY. I HOPE ALL GOES WELL FOR YOU. I JUST JOINED THIS SITE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. I'M GLAD I DID, GETTING A LOT OF IDEAS. THIS IS TRUELY A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM.

Hard to say why each of our aged member react like they do. Mine doesn't want to get her hair done by someone else other than me. I have given up and do it. But I see how happy it makes her when I do. It is like she doesn't trust anyone else to do anything for her. I've noticed she is calling me mom lately. L ots of funny stories with that. I took her with me to get my license renewed today and we sat there 3 hours and she didn't complain at all. I got her a Zaxby's sandwich on the way home. She ate it and drank a Boost and went to bed at 4. I haven't seen her since. She sleeps all night and gets up between 7:30 and 8:30. Getting her tired is okay with her as long as she gets to go out.

My husband has begun to do this, not a lot yet. But it is a bit annoying to me, as he comes into my study and sits down, and this is where I often go to try to get a break. He doesn't want to talk really or engage with me, so I can usually go on doing stuff on the computer. But I can see this might become quite difficult.