Any neat tricks for 'hovering' or 'shadowing'?

I have this same problem with my 93 year old Mom. If I am working outside in the yard, she has to know where I am. If I go shopping, and am not home within a half hour, she calls me! I don't know what to tell you. I think that at this point in life, they feel they have to know that you are right there if they need you. It's all part of the caretaking process. I wish you luck!

My mom doesn't have a vision problem and doesn't have dementia but she does the same to me. I don't get any alone time. She is either asking me where I am or where was I? Can't even use the bathroom without hearing "Where are you?" "Are you ok?" I think it is just age. I feel bad but sometimes I just have to ignore her and go about my business. One thing about being a caregiver is you constantly feel guilty about them, your family, and yourself. It's not easy hang in there!

I wish I had an answer for you. I have the same problem here, with my mother who has dementia and alot of other medical issues. The only thing I can figure out is that they feel very vulnerable and have a constant need to know they are safe and not alone. One thing you can try is writing down on paper where you are and what you are doing and sign it "love, ----", leaving it right where she will have it in front of her. I cannot leave my mother alone for any reason, beyond 10 minutes, because she could fall. My heart goes out to you.

Oh boy do I relate. Talk about "togetherness." My mother has to be able to see me or know I am there. It used to get me totally annoyed like I had no privacy, no life, and especially since I am a private person and have lived on my own for a very long time before I came to care for her it, it irked me to no end.. If I sit in the same room with my laptop this makes her happy, but for cripes sakes it is bad enough I can't come and go as I please, now if I go to another room to read a book, that is an issue. I understand she wants to feel secure, but it does make me feel smothered. Thankfully with the Adult Day Ctr, I have a few hours to myself. I find that if I tell my mom I am going in the backyard to mow the grass would you like to come out with me, she is okay, she can peep through and see me there. She is also okay to come and check where I am in the house, I guess I am okay with it now that I realize it is because she is scared, and if I let her check on me she is okay. I have had to make many mental adjustments and feel that this experience has pushed me to really grow up in many ways. I think I am where I am supposed to be in order to grow spiritually and be a better, more understanding, emphathetic person. Least this is what I tell me self, tomorrow I will probably be ranting, but it really is only one day at a time.

I know how frustrating this must be to you and I know that it will probably not get better, but here is my best attempt to help out. I think back with my children were small and the same thing happened to me--once I left the room and they were playing on the floor they needed to see me more than hear me. I read sometime ago when I was in graduate school about separation anxiety with small children. I am wondering if the same thing happens as we age and we feel ost when we can't see that familiar face. Going on that premise, I would suggest that if you have to change rooms for some great period of time, then I would bring your mom along. As I recall, I did the same with my sons were little--we moved from room to room when I had new tasks. So when it came time for dinner we all moved to the kitchen and of course, I wanted to make sure that I saw them for a safety reason. But I planned my moves based on the time I was spending doing each project so I tried to stay in one place completing each task. Bathing was always a trick for me so I took bathes only when they were sleeping Iit did take some planning on my part, but it did work out for me. Of course, as the boys got older, they knew that I was going to be there and their anxieties grew smaller. However, that is not the same situation with your mom because of the dementia she will become more dependent upon you. Just one more idea is play music in the background as that seems to be very soothing for all generations and that might take her mind off of you when not right in the room with her. Do let me know if you try this as I would like to see the results.

Yep. Same here. Every 5 to 10 minutes, "Hellooooo? Where are you?" I leave great big signs on bulletin boards propped up in visible places to let her know I'm TAKING A BATH, OUTSIDE FOR A FEW MINUTES, BE BACK IN 20 MINUTES, etc. She strolls right around the signs and starts calling for me. Then I call out for her to READ MY SIGNS. She can read, but is so intent on locating me that she won't take the time to read the signs. It's one of the more exasperating aspects of this caregiving, because as patient as I try to be, it tends to drive me crazy. :-/ It's gotten worse over time. She used to be able to go an hour. Then half hour. Now it's 10 minutes. I guess I'll get used to it, and keep on responding with patience, "I'll be there in a minute. Go back to your apt. and watch TV till I get there." I say it nicely, and she usually says, "OK." Then 5 minutes later it's the repeat scenario. HELP!!!

Simply stop responding to attention getting behaviors. You don't slam your hand in a car door because it hurts--it doesn't pay off. It will take time but gradually, without response and constant reassurance (which will NEVER be enough), this behavior, once ignored, will taper off. Don't keep playing the game.

My mom did the same thing. She didn't want me to leave her alone. I would try to explain to her that I had some other things to do, but she still wanted me to be with her anyway. As long as I was in her sight, she was fine. I would just tell her that I had some things to do and I would be right back, And I would just go and do them. I would see the sadness in her face when I left. I was with her as much as I could.
My mom was 96 and she passed away on Feb. 1st of this year. I wasn't there when she passed and it kills me inside that I wasn't. Somehow I think my mom knew she was dying and wanted me to be with her when it happened. I just wished that I was. I had so much to say to her.
I know how demanding it is to be a caregiver. You need time for yourself too. But go that extra mile and be patient with them. They do it out of need for you and they feel secure knowing that you are there also they fear that something happened to you. Just let them know you are around cause if they pass away and you aren't there, you will feel really bad, like I do. And don't forget to tell them you love them everyday.

It's very sad but you are right. My mom tells me all the time that she feels bad how hard I work (I work two jobs, married and have 5 kids to worry about and now my mom) but as soon as I come home she wants my total attention. She wants me to sit with her so she can tell me about her day at the senior center, what pills she needs, when is her doctors appointments, etc. If I go to my room to change she follows, if I go out to get the mail she follows. She gets more attention now then when my dad was alive so I think she is using me a little and I'm getting to where I can't take it. I have a sister (doesn't work) and two brothers but they are no help.

Tell me about it Daughter1!! Same deal....except that I am never told how bad she feels about how hard I work ("it's your own fault, you never learned to say no") I would love to say no to HER!! You hit the nail on the head with the word "attention" -- that's what it is, of course.
Mine has a little trick when she hears me coming up the hall past her room, She will be watching something on tv (often it is the news, so it is not even appropriate to laugh at it) she gives this little laugh hoping you will stop and ask her what's so funny.....one day when we lived in our house and she was in her apartment upstairs and not supposed to come down stairs alone, I had gone outside to talk on the phone, turned around, and there she was, with a big smile on her face, because she had "outed" my location and discovered where she was........
I just had to stop this message because she came out to the kitchen to put her lunch dishes in the sink -- and guess what? here she was standing here in front of the computer, READING EVERY SINGLE THING ON THIS PAGE!!
I have to close out my windows every time or she will stand here and read everything - messages to others, my messages, pages and websites I look at etc.
She also has no compunction about looking at personal letters, greeting cards or especially bills and income tax papers that are NOT hers -- if you cross her on it she gets all defensive and turns it around on you -- "you always have to make a big deal out of everything".........EXCUSE me??
You know what this is? From what I have read on here, it is sense of entitlement -- she's always been a nosy busybody and not well-liked in our town. Obviously nothing has changed even now she is older!! It disgusts me. There is no privacy even in my OWN home.
FedupNow, you are so right about everything. Thanks for validating.

OOps that should have been discovered where I was. sorry

A general suggestion, as we have some of the issues noted here with my mother whose 92 and recently broke her ankle. She has been much more demanding of my father's and my attention (beyond the additional care needed because of the ankle!) she is also legally blind and hard of hearing. We had great success with audio books on CD. She has learned how to operate an older simple CD player. Each CD runs for at least an hour and a book may include 8-15 CDs! Our local library stocks lots of light fiction. Great way to occupy/distract her mind from where & what we're doing!

Oh my, lol, this has made me feel not so alone. Prior to this, I though I was the only one who had a hovering parent! I live with my mom on and off, and I hate when I have to be there because my mom is absolutely suffocating. I'm afforded almost no privacy at all unless I lock myself into the bathroom. I cannot talk on a phone without my mom walking in wanting to know who I am talking to and what I am talking about. I can't make a sandwich without her coming into the kitchen wanting to see what I'm doing. (She then goes about cleaning the "mess" she claims I have left in her kitchen, and for at least 15 minutes she is busy dusting bread crumbs that do not exist off of the counter and into the trash. I can't bring anything at all into the house without it going through "inspection."
I don't think anything my mom does irritates me as much as this hovering thing she does. Particularly bad is when I am working and I turn around to find her standing there behind me. Talk about "stealth", lol. It happens so much that I think she's behind me even when she isn't.
I know I'm kind of making light of my situation in this post, but it truly us aggravating beyond measure and a problem I am trying my best to ignore.

My Mother listens to my phone calls! So weird but I can hear her breathing on the other line. When my brother calls she has to hear every word. I don't really care anymore because I know it is not going to change. When we have children we know that they will become more independent with time - not so with our elderly. They will become MORE dependent so I have to figure out how I am going to cope and truthfully I have developed a lot thicker skin - otherwise I would just be walking around with my feelings hurt all the time because my Mother has no more filters or boundaries with the things she says or her behaviors. I have to leave the house for any privacy and that is what I do. I am pretty lucky because my Mother can be left alone for a few hours but I know that will probably change too. Caregiving is not for the faint of heart or for wimps. Hang in there, nothing is forever.

We all need something to look forward to. If my family took her 1 weekend a month she would have something and I would have something to look forward to so I think it would make life a lot easier. I can really take a lot but everything is getting to me and I don't want to say something that is going to hurt someone. Maybe I need help on how to get my family to help me more. Why am I the one in charge of everything just because she lives with me. I'm the youngest!!!

I am also the youngest in our family and am now suddenly "the wise one" because I am my Mothers caretaker. In reality they just do not want to do it. In the 2 years that I have lived here my Mother has gone to stay overnight with my sister (she lives 45 minutes away) 2 times. So generous of my sis to give me an overnight break one time a year. My family will agree to everything that I say and then still do not follow thru. I feel so smothered and they are just happy that it is not them with the job. I know that this is not forever but it truly feels like that at times.

My 93 year old mom does this. She has dementia and I know she feels vulnerable. She also knows I am the one who cooks for her. I f I do have to leave for a few minutes, she runs back to her bed and goes to sleep. She has said she doesn't remember who she is anymore. I always just tell her she lives with us and we love her. She always hugs and kisses me then.

Elderly parents don't like their lives and they look to us as their personal pull-toy. They think it's our job to amuse them and make them happy. Newsflash! It ISN'T!

This reminds me of the way things were when my children were toddlers: they were always saying "Mommy, I NEED you", banging on the bathroom door when I went in for a moment, etc. In addition to her dementia, your mother is also visually impaired which must increase her feelings of anxiety and insecurity. It was frustrating to feel that I couldn't have a moment to myself when my children were young but at least then I knew that things would improve as they matured. Unfortunately, with an older person with a degenerative condition, you can only expect the opposite. Will your mother get up and try to find you if you don't respond to her calls by appearing and reassuring her? If she is likely to be safe where she is, you just might have to try to ignore her calls for your attention sometimes, hard as that may be, so that you can get basic things done like cooking, cleaning, showering, going to the bathroom, etc.

Hello to everyone that has this issue, I call it an issue and not a problem, because ther will come a time when you will wish that they would call you. When parents go through they are feeling abanded if they do not see you or hear you. You are there link to life, so as long as they either see are hear you, then they can feel safe. I f something happens to you, what will they do, so this is why they feel this way. Just go with it, it will not last forever, and when it is over, you will remember this time and wish, you can get it back. Charish them while you can, and love them unconditionally. I hope this helped.

My husband has dementia not too bad yet. We do live one moment at a time. He to wants to know where I am. He doesn't read but can. Seems he can't follow thoughts. We went to a movie and he said I've seen this before as he does w/tv. OK! Better not to respond. He sleeps 19 hrs a day but inbetween he'll check to be sure I'm still here. I haven't checked on adult day care but am beginning to feel the need for time out. I know this is something he has no control over, as it's like a loose light bulb. I think of a child lost frightened w/no idea where they are and no secure person there. Hang in there God is with you!

My Mom is a hoverer. Even in a wheelchair she scoots with her feet to position herself right next to me. Even if I am at her house with other family members she tends to want to shadow me- at first it annoyed me to no end! But I do remember that I used to do the same thing to her- I had a lot of anxiety- OCD as a child and I would follow her around-sit on the toilet as she got her make up on to go out, sit with my back against the refrigerator on the floor by her feet as she cooked... When she went on a vacation with dad (Dad was always out of town so he was kind of a non entity in the house) I would hang up pictures of her and just stare at them- (my grandma was watching us). So- I guess it is payback for me. Only thing is she HATED when I followed her around and told me that. She often told me that I had to stop. She would roll her eyes at me when I was anxious. And now - here we are- rolls reversed. Do I sometimes REALLY want to say the things she said to me when I was 5? YES! But I don't because , I don't know - I just can't. The minute I get frustrated with her I feel so guilty. SO I have learned to deal with it. It is OK now because I am a part time caregiver. If I become the full time caregiver- hmmmm--

One thing that helps is my Mom loves dogs! when she is at my house my little westie just sits on her lap for hours. This helps. I think if I became full time caregiver I will use that and say "Mom,I have to go cook now. Lala(our westie) needs to stay out of my way in the kitchen - she is a bad beggar- can you watch her in the family room while I cook? It would be a big help!" Mom also has a huge heart when it comes to her dogs so I could also say "Lala is really scared right now and I have to go take a shower. Can you hold her while I get ready for the day? Just pet her and tell her that it is OK that her Mama will be right back?" I am hoping this will help sooth herself as well.

Good luck! And maybe get a lap dog?

I have lost both my parents. My mother died after a year-long struggle with breast cancer during which I took care of her until the moment she died. She NEVER pulled any of the shenanigans that these people torture their caregivers with even though she was dying in agony. My father died at 91 and he, too, died painfully of prostate cancer and I was him at his moment of death. AT NO TIME have I missed any of these horrible moments you describe. I miss the people they were when they were healthy but in NO WAY will I ever wish them back in their diseased states and I WILL NEVER miss my selfish Mother-in-law who is crapping on at age 97 and hates everybody. These platitudes are given by people who are not taking care of their elderly parents. They have usually stuck a sibling with this onerous task. Or, in a few more weeks or years when they are fully burned out, nay incinerated, they will start telling the truth like me.

While I understand most of the comments made here about the elderly, such as they are afraid, they feel alone, they need to feel safe, etc., it is hard for me to digest them because in my case, this is not how my mother behaves. She has to police and monitor everything, especially what I do, 24/7. There is no privacy for me in my own house.
She will ask about conversations (private ones) I have had with my husband or children. She has a huge sense of entitlement which seems to make her feel that she should be privy to everything that goes on in this house. (NOT!!) It seems as if she is afraid to miss something, or to feel left out. I might add that she is very childish and immature, jealous of others, hypercritical, judgmental, bigoted,.......shall I go on?
The comments from those of you who truly love your parents are completely different from those of us who have suffered, especially in childhood, from parents who are controlling, overreactive, and overbearing, not to mention overly strict and without empathy. I doubt if any of you who have NOT had parents like that can even begin to comprehend what it is like to care for an elderly parent who feels that they own you, and that you owe them -- believe me, it's a whole different scenario.
Why, this afternoon, she came out to the kitchen with her lunch dishes, which was rare because she rarely lifts a finger, she'd rather be waited on (suffers from a "queen" complex). I caught her unabashedly staring at the computer screen - not the first time either.
As soon as you get after them for doing something they know they shouldn't be doing, they go on the attack: "You're making a mountain out of a molehill! You're too sensitive! Why is everything a big deal to you!" Excuse me, you just violated my privacy...........but I guess that's ok, because no one would DARE do that to you because they would be severely reprimanded for it.
I laughed when I read the comment about the mother who suddenly "appeared" behind the poster - I get this all the time. I call it the "Houdini effect". Mine has quite a few tricks up her sleeve. (she has always been this way, it hasn't just suddenly happened because she is old now, and she does not have dementia).
Mine will take her lunch to her room to eat, but the minute you get out in the kitchen to get yours, you turn around to get something out of the fridge and - hello!! There she is.....watching everything that you make, or take to eat for yourself. Of course, if you do that to her, you are "nosy" or if you come up behind her, you get "oh you just love to do that to me, don't you? sneaking up on me all the time".
There is no where in this house in which I can have a quiet conversation with anyone, if someone comes to the door she "appears" to see who it is, because she feels she has the right to know. She will also volunteer to go downstairs to get the mail, that way she can have control and see what you are getting. But you are not allowed to look at her mail. That is not acceptable!
One night my husband and I had a meeting with the landscapers...I thought I saw a shadow up on the second floor and there she was, hanging over the balcony to see what all the action was!
I also took note of the post that mentioned a parent listening in on the phone. I am accused of doing this all the time. I never do that but she will pick the phone up to listen in and see who I am talking to!!
I guess what I am trying to point out is that this "do as I say, not as I do" attitude of hers, which she has installed in us since we were small, is the heighth of hypocrisy to me. I could give you so many more examples of her detrimental behaviour. But most of you, I'm sure, are interested in this kind of behaviour connected to dementia, whereas my parent has exhibited it all her life and I have busted my head trying to figure out what caused it, to no avail.
FedUpNow, you are very brave. You have done a good job. You are able now to let it go. I am happy to hear you say that after their death, you can have some peace. I am patiently waiting for mine.

Dear Seven13, Your description of your mother describes exactly my mother-in-law who is 97 and lives with us. On her 96th birthday she blew out my knee with her walker, hitting me deliberately. I took pictures and reported her to her doctor. My husband was outraged. He is an only child. Her social worker who dealt with her for six years before she came to live with us said, "She lies, she steals, and she is adept at getting attention." My hell isn't over yet. A day with her is a day without sunshine. When we were first married, she had to know everything, opens our mail, and hangs up the phone when I call to speak to my husband. He has not set the boundaries he should have. Once she dies, he can go live in her condo. He will be going alone. Good riddance.

I hear you, FUN. Isn't it sad that these people thrive on being miserable for their whole lives -- and making those of others if they are allowed to -- instead of enjoying life the way it is meant to?
Yes, they lie, they steal, they manipulate, they belittle, berate, and throw their weight around,. It's called bullying and this is the only way they have learned how to get what they want. Others of course are horrified at me, because I'm her only daughter (there is one useless sibling) and how could I possibly characterize her in this way? There must be something wrong with me, right??
I have a feeling you and I could compare a lot of notes on here......I am sorry about what happened to you with the walker incident - but if your husband was outraged, what did he do about it? Did he call her on it? Doubt if it would have done any good anyway. I have tried my level best to set boundaries with this one, telling her over and over again, the same things she should not do, only to find her continuing to do them, because she feels she has to know everything and who are you to get after her about it anyways?
I really had my eyes opened when I went on the narcissist thread on here. Sounds exactly like your MIL although I would also hazard a guess that your husband was the "golden boy" for whom no woman would be good enough in her eyes. There is no way to win with these people so it's best to just distance yourself and control the contact (or lack of) with them. TOXIC!!

Seven13- that sounds horrid! Does she have to live with you? A person should not have to deal with that from someone that is capable of acting otherwise. And, I believe, that if a parent was abusive in any way than the adult children should not help in their caregiving. That is just too much to ask, IMO. My mom made mistakes-she made some pretty big ones in fact and she won't ever own them unfortunately, , but she loved/s me and tried her best. My Dad also made a lot of mistakes-mostly being absent and distant but I know he loves me. It is different than a truly abusive parent -mentally or physically. I just don't know if I could take care of a parent that hurt me so much. It must be sooooo hard. :(

Dear Seven13,
You are the only one who made the connection of the name I chose: FedUpNow (i.e. FUN). You truly do get it! Takes one to know one. Yes, I married the only son, the golden boy, named after the 12th king of Lithuania blah blah blah. I refer to them as the newlyweds. Of course he didn't set boundaries. He lets her get away with this stuff. He has always been tested by his mother who insists she is more important than his wife. And she is. I gave up a long time ago. FYI, when I got truly fed up, I booked a three week trip to India and left without telling my husband where I was going. Best time in my life--traveling with three other women. He was furious. How dare I leave without telling him. How dare he inflict his mother on me.
Payback is a bitch, and sometimes, it can even be FUN! ;)

OH! I am so glad to know I am not the only one with this. If I am sitting in the room, fine, but as soon as I leave for any reason I hear Are You There? Are you there? She walks through the house calling out, calling out. Sometimes I hide around the corner hoping she will give up or distract herself with something but eventually, I give up and ask her what do you need. Nothing. And away she walks. Right now she is sitting across the room from me, I am using my laptop and all is well, but if I go to the kitchen, we're off to the races again. Like so many other behaviors, I guess this is pretty routine, too.

Thanks to all of you, it is wonderful to find others in the same situation. We share so much in common. I will try the notes, and music in the background to see if it works.

I wish I could get in her mind to see what she is thinking. I think sometimes it's like a fight or flight type situation. It is as if they are trying so hard not forget things that it gets all jumbled up inside somehow. Fixated on something and it gets all out of order in their mind.

I appreciate all of the suggestions and I am going to try them. It's like they say, with Alzheimer's / Dementia, they cannot change, so we have to.