Transition confusion - Need tips

So, I was able to get Dad moved to the ALF that is five minutes from my house. I moved him in the rain, with bronchitis, but it's done.

I naturally expected there to be some confusion, so I stayed with him the first night and let him after he fell asleep last night, but this has been SO tough on him.

I guess all the changes caused an exacerbation of the dementia because he thinks that his oldest daughter from California (the drug addict one who told me she would just let him die) is coming to get him.

He also seems to think we are in our hometown. I think that's because there is a 45 minute drive from his former facility to the new one and he equates the driving to traveling there.

Despite us taking time to put his things away and us "practicing" and going over where things are, how to get to them, etc. He doesn't remember any of it, so he's constantly looking for things.

Between the tears and him thinking he's crazy, it's been a major ordeal for both of us. He has a serious case of the "I want to go homes", and I feel terrible. I feel like it's my fault for putting him through this anguish and now I feel selfish. I moved him here because it was cheaper and more convenient for me.

I know that's codependency talking, so I'm trying not to give into that.

I am also trying to create new patterns here. Yes, I'm five minutes away, but I don't want to come running every time there is an issue. I had planned on staying away today (and recovering - I feel TERRIBLE), but he's confused about the oxygen, and the staff hasn't quite caught on yet. I had to visit to show him where his oxygen machine was. He said he couldn't find it, but it was right in front of him.

Last question... I know I drive the staff nuts with all of my neatly typed instruction sheets, but they seem to need help understanding how to take Dad's portable machine off his neck and plug it in and let him wear his stationary machine while he's in the room (and to never shut it off because he can't see the control panel). Would I look like a meddling helicopter daughter if I put up a little reminder until everyone gets used to Dad's routine?

I really just want to rest.

Make sure necessary instructions are included in his main nursing file, and I mean really necessary.... If you go overboard with minutiae and reams of instructions you will just encourage people to tune you out and it will be much harder to draw attention to legitimate problems.

My dad is doing the exact same thing in his NH. It's heartbreaking. He thinks his late father dropped him off in Kansas and he has no way to get home.

Any kind of a change can exacerbate dementia and moving is a biggie. It sounds like you love your dad very much.

I agree with cwillie regarding the instructions you're providing. Be careful about that because the staff won't take too kindly to that kind of thing and you could end up creating a barrier between you and the staff and the person who will suffer is your dad. Sometimes when staff doesn't like the family that will extend to the patient. It's not right that it's that way but that's the way it is a lot of times.

Pick your battles. Things aren't going to be done the exact same way they were done previously and absolutely no one can take care of our parents the way we can. Don't expect that your dad will get the same care he did when you were caring for him. He may not be shaved but once or twice a week. Is this a battle you want to pick or do you want to hang onto this battle in case something else comes along? Which it will.

With my dad in the nursing home my battles were his hearing aids and his clothes. He was constantly losing his hearing aids and I was regularly discussing this with the staff. They were $3,000. He couldn't afford new ones but without them my dad was not a part of life so I chose the hearing aid battle and devoted my life to making sure those hearing aids did not get lost. And his clothes. Whenever staff did his laundry it would come back minus a few things and a few extra things that weren't his. Eventually I began doing his laundry myself at the facility while I visited. Again, that was a battle I chose because I could not continuously buy new clothes for my dad.

If you think you might be a meddling helicopter daughter err on the side of caution and back off. If you know you're driving the staff nuts, back off. Don't bake them anything, don't bring pizza with you on your next visit. The staff is hip to all of those transparent ploys. Some families think (innocently) that if they suck up to the staff their loved one will be given more attention but they won't. Because what all facilities need is not pizza or homemade chocolate chip cookies, it's more staff.

What would happen if your dad wore his portable machine around his neck while in his room? I suggest that if this is a big deal you talk to the nursing supervisor (not the regular staff on the floor) about the portable and stationary machines. Stay away from making signs. I understand your motivation but signs can be oppressive and not very effective.

As you said, the staff need help understanding. And they do, I agree. But they don't need it from us, the families. Talk to the supervisor (who will probably have an office off the floor somewhere) and let the supervisor speak to the staff about your concerns. When we care for our parents they're our whole world but when they enter a facility they're just one among many.