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We found a very nice apartment in a memory care wing of a complex. I thought great, dad can get care, and his wife of 60 years can be with him and he with her. Of course neurotic mom will not have it. She will not be living in a place in a memory care unit, even though there are several couples in this wing that are doing it even though one spouse needs care. It really doesn't look any different than the plain assisted living floors, with the exception of a lock to prevent residents from leaving the wing alone. My mom could have a code so she could come and go. She could also take part in social activities in the independent living part of complex. She doesn't drive, so stores nearby to walk to. Now I have to drive her all the time to see my dad in a nursing home which I hate and don't want my dad to be in. He seems so alone. I would prefer his last stage of life is spent in a comfortable apartment with his wife. Still, she could leave, even go back to the house for a couple days, just a mile away, to get it ready to sell. She's not stuck in there. She could even take little getaways to visit her grandkids in other states and my dad would be taken care of. I believe she is so selfish for not being willing to do this. I have basically told her if she is not willing, she can forget about me giving her rides all the time. A friend suggested I just move my dad into the apartment, and my mom would visit and eventually get used to idea of staying there. I am so upset with my mom's selfishness over a vanity thing. Her own mom was widowed at age 60 after having been born and lived on the same farm all sixty years. She had to leave that home to move to the city to get a job to survive. That seems scary. My mom is being petty. Any ideas on how to coax her?

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Karsten, this sounds a bit like my parents. I gave them a lovely professional brochure from a retirement village not far from where they lived. They looked over the brochure and Mom said "Maybe in a few years". Say what? My parents were already in their 90's, guess they will wait until they were 100.

My Mom was in denial of her age. Heaven forbid any doctor who said "this is age related". She refused to use a walker. She even didn't want my Dad to use his walker when he was outside but he ignored her because he had enough falls on his driveway without the walker. Forget about caregivers or cleaning crews. Never, nope, nada.

I sometimes believe that one spouse becomes frighten of the future. And if the other is in Memory Care, this wasn't the retirement they had planned. And the at-home spouse will become angry at the ill spouse. Like how dare he do this to me.

What was sad was my Mom passed living her final 3 months in long-term-care due to a serious fall that her house. Dad then decided he wanted to move to Independent Living and was so happy there, said he wished he would have done this years earlier but he knew that my Mom wouldn't budge from their house. He felt she would have still been there with him if she did.
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Karsten, have you tried some ego boosting tactics? Mom, you can go into the activities and meals and common areas to make friends and then you can explain that you have chosen to make the sacrifice to live in memory care because your DH needs that much care and she just couldn't see him alone after 60 years of his love and care she just saw no other way. That kind of sacrifice will make people set up and take notice, I mean who doesn't want friends with that much character and devotion!

On the other side, could she be punishing him because he won't move when she wanted to, so there you go DH, choices and consequences.

Just my thoughts about how I would try to "persuade" mom.
Aka: manipulate😎

Can they personally afford to pay for both places if she refuses to budge? Sometimes I find if he can afford it, he can do it, keeps tons of stress off me and every bit counts.
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and yes, while perhaps petty on my part, I simply CANNOT give her rides from her house to the memory care every day. I would do this a couple days a week, and my other brother in town would maybe once a week, but she does want to see him every day and I am happy she wants that. But she never learned to drive I am trying to get her to sign up for a local senior van service but she has stalled on that, because, yes, she doenst like the idea of having to use a senior van service. She wants me to taxi her around all the time and I simiply cannot do it from both a time and an emotional level, as her personality is so intense she wears me out.
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You all make good points. But here is the ironic thing. For years my mom has been obsessed about moving out of her house and into an independent living on the SAME campus as this memory care thing. Since my dad has been hospitalized, she has told her friends she is scared to death of being in the house alone and has begged me to stay overnight with her, which I don't do. She wanted to move years ago to independent senior living, she hated being in the house, my dad was the one (perhaps a bit selfishly) insisted on stahing as he loved doing landscaping, repairs, all the stuff that comes with home ownership. So up to now she has been begging to get out of house. Even now she does not want to go there but to indepdendent senior living. That would be very expensive to be housing two people on a senior campus in two different place, and I would just think my mom would WANT to be there for my dad. She can still do all the social things at the same independent living facility she has wanted to move to, they are connected. And frankly, this will not be forever. My dad probably doesn't have a lot of time left, and I would think she would want to be there for him in his last stage.
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Even though you seem to have it all planned out, even to point of being firm and saying you will cease being a taxi service, please understand that we “oldsters” can be violently opposed to being uprooted and leaving our homes to live in what we grew up believing was “an old folks home”. Eyerishlass is right on many counts. Nursing homes are very sad, no matter how nice they are and how much they claim to “love” their residents. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.

I agree with everything Eyerishlass has said. She is absolutely right on all counts.
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No one wants to leave their home, least of all elderly people, and they will dig in their heels on this particular issue until the family implodes. It's not vanity or pettiness. She doesn't want to leave her home. And I wouldn't count on her having a change of heart after visiting your dad in the facility for a few months.

Yes, there are couples who live together in facilities because one spouse needs a higher level of care than the other spouse. But there are also couples who live apart. One lives in a facility and the other lives at home and visits the other spouse.

I have witnessed the desire in elderly people to not leave one's home and it is amazingly strong. Elderly people will come up with all kinds of hare-brained schemes to stay in their home. It's a desperate need.

We can't make someone do something they don't want to do. If your mom is competent she can make her own choices. If you don't drive her to the store how will she get there? How will she get what she needs? Is withdrawing your support the best way to make your mom do something she doesn't want to do?

Nursing homes are sad, I understand that. My dad was in one alone and it hurt me to see him there. Instead of spending your energy trying to come up with a plan to get your mom to move why not just accept that this is what she wants to do for now? Don't punish her by not driving her where she needs to go. It's revenge and that is petty.
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Are you in the position to go ahead and move Dad? I like your friends idea. So sad ,you would think after 60 years she would want to be with her husband. Best wishes, will be praying for you.
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