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Anyone have some good tips for procrastinating taking Mom out to dinner?



Mom is in AL. My wife and I took Mom out to dinner just after Mother's Day to celebrate the day. Mom said "Boy, this is great. I could do this once a week, haha." We laughed it off.



Now Mom has already brought up going out again.



Mom is cheerful, nice, and has good table manners--and I know some of you may wish you could take your mom out to dinner. However, even though she is in AL, I still have to manage her healthcare; making doctor appointments and taking her to them, when the RNs at AL have an rx question, they call me to say they are calling the dr or pharmacy, etc. I know it's great they are very communicative, but it's a lot. And I manage Mom's finances, pay the bills, etc. And my wife and I still work.



Now I'm worn out by all of it. I regularly see her a couple of times a week (once after my weekly shopping trip when I drop off Diet Pepsi, pull ups, and whatever for the upcoming week, and another visit during the week--unless there are dr/dentist/whatever appointments I have to take her to as well.) Even though she's pleasant, I don't want to sit there at dinner, spending even more time with her.



Obligation and guilt will get to me soon enough, and we'll end up taking Mom to dinner probably later this month, but I'm looking for tips to stall for time.

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I completely understand where you are coming from, and I don't quite get why people are piling on and telling you to do MORE and to feel MORE guilty when you already do so much (more than many people do) and you already do feel the guilt and pressure. Just because your mom is nice and cheerful doesn't mean it's not hard, and doesn't mean that you have more time and energy than you do. My mom is nice and cheerful too, but that doesn't make it easy to take her places or visit frequently. I do it, yes, but I'm not wishing for even more of that when I have so many people in my life that need bits and pieces of me. My mom isn't the only person who needs me. I'm doing the best I can and also making sure I don't burn out. If we burn out, we're no good to anyone.

I would do like some people suggested and laugh with her and just respond, "Me too, Mom," when she says "I wish we could do this once a week." And when she chips away at you, tell her "Sorry, that's not possible. But we'll do it on the 20th," and repeat as often as needed without a lot of details for her to argue back about. I think the more info you give her about why, the more it fuels her ability and compulsion to come up with reasons to push back. But if you are kindly firm and more vague, she can't do that as easily.

It's a mom's job to chip away at us and make us feel guilty and pressured (even for "nice and cheerful" moms!), but we don't have to take the bait. You are doing PLENTY for your mom and it's okay to stick with just that much and also live your own life as you need to. Your wife needs you. Your family needs you. Your job needs you. That's a lot. You are doing an AMAZING job with your mom already. It's okay to be lovingly firm with her about what you can do. She'll be all right. She's loved and safe and gets out a whole lot already.
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JRwornout Jun 3, 2025
Thank you!
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We just do the best we can do, and we tell are selves this as many times a day as we have to.

You work , you have a life that you deserve to have. FOG -fear-obligation -guilt. All that puts us in a brain fog and makes us not enjoy are life, constant worry, changes are brain chemistry, we can't think clearly with the fog.

You are doing the best you can for mom, you can't let the things you think you should do eat away at you. It will affect you're relationships, you're mental and physical health.

You deserve happiness!!
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JRwornout Jun 2, 2025
"constant worry" is spot on, as is "you can't let the things you think you should do eat away at you."
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JRwornout, your OP and follow up responses are written and shared in a very good way. I could have written these myself as there are so many similarities.

I won’t reinvent the wheel here but a couple things that have worked for me are I remind my mom there’s a reason she’s in AL and she cannot reasonably expect her old way of life to continue. If

Another thing to consider would be to have her at your home for a meal. We have done this for my mom and she loves it. And it’s always simple and just a few people. Plus if she has to use the toilet she can get plenty of help with privacy.

Most moms would be so fortunate to have you as a son. When I read about how much you do, I’d say you do a lot more than most.
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AlvaDeer Jun 4, 2025
I love that idea of home for a meal; you can even bring all the food in or have it delivered these days, and just be comfortable around the table at home.
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JR.
You have such good answers and so many of them I was going to not say a peep. I already talk way too much here. But just this. I agree with way. You are as you say, worn out, and I think she's right that you may be depressed. There's nothing so depressing as knocking yourself out in every aspect of life and having no appreciation.

Let me just say this. YOU aren't responsible for your parent's happiness.
I am 82. Old age isn't a happy time, and no matter what anyone does they can't make it happy for you. So just accept that we often live too long, and like ALL OF LIFE, it is tougher as we age, and that's OUR OWN responsibility, not our kids. They have a right to their own life. You have a right to your own life.
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waytomisery Jun 5, 2025
Yes ,
This elderly woman will never be satisfied .
A marriage is two people to go out on date night , not three .
As I said before , we ended up placing a boundary of lunch out only , so we had evenings to ourselves as a couple, which we greatly needed .
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I think it gives them bragging rights when they are taken out of the facility. So a dinner out gets way more mileage for them than us.

I agree with others that say to make dinner out one of your visits. Two times a week is actually really generous with everything you are handling, maybe, cut out a week a month and only visit once a week the rest of the time?

Mostly I would encourage you to be forthcoming with her and stop her insistence in it tracks. She won't get everything she wants and that's life. You matter too and that leaves the room with aging seniors, they get terribly selfish and it is on us to retain boundaries and shift them as needed.
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JRwornout Jun 3, 2025
Thank you.
Two weeks ago, I took Mom to the podiatrist late morning on Tuesday, so we grabbed a quick lunch afterwards. Then on Thursday, she saw the pulmonologist late afternoon, so we got her a dinner to take back to her apartment at AL.
One day last week she had a noon dentist appointment, so we grabbed a quick lunch afterwards.
This week there are no appointments, but she sees the cardiologist next week one day at 11:30 so she and I will grab a quick lunch after that.
Every week is not like this, but it happens. My point is, she does get meals out with me.

One dinner a month is doable. The problem is if i say we'll go on the 25th, she'll start in on 'Why do we have to wait so long?" And she'll chip away every single time I see her or talk to her, regardless of what I say.
If I say let's go next week, in about 2 weeks she'll start chipping away about how next month is a long time from now so we should just go now.
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It it were me, I would substitute a go out to dinner visit with one (or two, since it probably takes more time) of your other visits. You definitely don't need to do it every week - maybe once a month or so. Why not do the supply drop offs when you're taking her to dinner or the doctor?

You have NOTHING to be guilty for, because you are very attentive to your mom.

And when she says something like "Boy, this is great. I could do this once a week, haha." Laugh it off like you did. Just because she's saying she enjoys this doesn't mean you have to take out your calendar and make a commitment right then and there. Nor does it mean that this is the time for you to explain why you can't do it every week.
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JRwornout Jun 2, 2025
Thank you.
I'm doing my best, which I realize is more than many people would do, and it still feels like there's always more and more.
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Count me among those who dearly wish I could take my mom to dinner. Not here to add to any guilt though. I certainly had my times of doing things for my parents when I was quietly wishing I was elsewhere and feeling weighed down by obligation, even though neither of them aimed for that. I think balance is the key. Combine taking mom to an appointment with a meal out, even if it’s at a quick serve place. When you’re feeling overwhelmed and too stressed say so, your mom certainly has had those times in her life as well. Consider both of your needs, including the fact that you may be in this very position one day yourself and hopefully someone will care to take you to dinner. But also know things done solely out of obligation seldom go well and guarding your health is always wise. I wish you balance and peace
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JRwornout Jun 2, 2025
Mom has quick meals out with me to places she likes, after a trip to the podiatrist, dentist, cardiologist, etc. while we are driving around. What she is asking for additionally, is another trip to a casual dining place she likes.

But I see your point.
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How often do you take your wife out to her favorite restaurant?

Seek balance.

You seem a tad bit depressed to me. Try a bit of therapy, regular walks or antidepressant.

Talk to a therapist about Compassion Fatigue or do some reading on it.
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JRwornout Jun 5, 2025
Oh, I'm past fatigue and into exhaustion.

Thanks for the tips.
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First, you work. Thats always an excuse.

Second, bc you work, you’re expected to be tired when you don’t.

My mil instituted an extra family dinner this year for their anniversary. I didn’t go. But dh spent 4.5 hours getting to her dumb sf restaurant in the mission bc he didn’t feel safe leaving his truck. All so we can listen to what is new with Mrs So and So and the weather. God. I told him I would not go nor am I going to their Father’s Day the week after next. She gets her BIIIRRRTHDAY in between from me.
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JRwornout Jun 2, 2025
LOL.
I admire your boundaries!
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Taking my mother to dinner from AL became an exercise in patience for my husband and I, and when she went into Memory Care next door, it became impossible. I was relieved, to tell you the truth, that The Ordeal was over with. Between the horrible table manners, loud chewing, slurping and belching, and schlepping the wheelchair and her dead weight in and out of the car 4x, I had my teeth ground down to nubs. Sigh. I spent way way way too much time at the AL to begin with w/o dinners thrown in as a bonus!

So we started bringing dinner to her sometimes, from her favorite Italian restaurant, where she could eat with the other residents. Until she started complaining about that, too, so we stopped. Sometimes for a holiday I'd get my 2 grown children on board to bring a meal to mom in the library and we'd celebrate there, or have a "pizza party". I did whatever was easiest. While in AL, we'd buy tickets to eat there in the dining room with her sometimes.

But I think your best bet is to set up a monthly date to go to a restaurant, or every 6 weeks or whatever, and take her out. Let her know that you're too busy to do it any more often with your other obligations and full time job. But once every X weeks you can manage. In the end, it's less stressful to have it pre arranged. Otherwise their expectations become way too much for us.

Best of luck to you.
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JRwornout Jun 2, 2025
Yes, I forgot to mention hoisting the wheelchair into and out of the car!

She certainly talks about the food from her favorite restaurant, but she also says "I know what prisoners must feel like because I like it here but it's nice to get out and see the real world." Sigh....
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