Anyone have some good tips for procrastinating taking Mom out to dinner?
Mom is in AL. My wife and I took Mom out to dinner just after Mother's Day to celebrate the day. Mom said "Boy, this is great. I could do this once a week, haha." We laughed it off.
Now Mom has already brought up going out again.
Mom is cheerful, nice, and has good table manners--and I know some of you may wish you could take your mom out to dinner. However, even though she is in AL, I still have to manage her healthcare; making doctor appointments and taking her to them, when the RNs at AL have an rx question, they call me to say they are calling the dr or pharmacy, etc. I know it's great they are very communicative, but it's a lot. And I manage Mom's finances, pay the bills, etc. And my wife and I still work.
Now I'm worn out by all of it. I regularly see her a couple of times a week (once after my weekly shopping trip when I drop off Diet Pepsi, pull ups, and whatever for the upcoming week, and another visit during the week--unless there are dr/dentist/whatever appointments I have to take her to as well.) Even though she's pleasant, I don't want to sit there at dinner, spending even more time with her.
Obligation and guilt will get to me soon enough, and we'll end up taking Mom to dinner probably later this month, but I'm looking for tips to stall for time.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-gp-gave-me-the-best-advice-ever-in-only-8-words-in-the-end-its-either-you-or-them-493804.htm
I think both threads are about the need for boundaries and that as children of fading parents we need to establish healthy boundaries to maintain our physical and mental health and also to maintain healthy marriages.
We've all been in your shoes. The workload is enormous.
Please prioritize taking care of yourself and your spouse.
Mom is getting meals at her residence.
This is what is making you think you have to please your mother .
But like Alva said , you are not responsible for her happiness. Your mental health should not be sacrificed .
You did not make Mom old , you can’t fix old.
You have such good answers and so many of them I was going to not say a peep. I already talk way too much here. But just this. I agree with way. You are as you say, worn out, and I think she's right that you may be depressed. There's nothing so depressing as knocking yourself out in every aspect of life and having no appreciation.
Let me just say this. YOU aren't responsible for your parent's happiness.
I am 82. Old age isn't a happy time, and no matter what anyone does they can't make it happy for you. So just accept that we often live too long, and like ALL OF LIFE, it is tougher as we age, and that's OUR OWN responsibility, not our kids. They have a right to their own life. You have a right to your own life.
This elderly woman will never be satisfied .
A marriage is two people to go out on date night , not three .
As I said before , we ended up placing a boundary of lunch out only , so we had evenings to ourselves as a couple, which we greatly needed .
I’m sure growing up your mother told you “ No” plenty of times when you WANTED a snack or a different meal .
You do only what works for you . Mom isn’t home alone . She’s in AL . My FIL pulled the same thing . He thought the more he brought it up with a pout face , the more we would take him out.
I see below that Mom gets out for lunch regularly . She’s yanking your chain to go out more . My FIL was snooty and wanted to be wined and dined each week at a fancy restaurant , on top of meals we brought him and lunches out . He felt entitiled to it . Meanwhile the man never took us out the 40 years we are married . We don’t owe them this because they are old and can’t drive .
You deserve your evenings free . Taking Mom out to lunch is enough . Tell her your evenings are yours to be with your spouse . We told my FIL lunch out is what we could do .,When we took him out for lunch then at least we had the rest of the day free on a Saturday or Sunday . We didn’t let him dictate which day either . And some weekends we didn’t take him out .
Seek balance.
You seem a tad bit depressed to me. Try a bit of therapy, regular walks or antidepressant.
Talk to a therapist about Compassion Fatigue or do some reading on it.
Thanks for the tips.
I won’t reinvent the wheel here but a couple things that have worked for me are I remind my mom there’s a reason she’s in AL and she cannot reasonably expect her old way of life to continue. If
Another thing to consider would be to have her at your home for a meal. We have done this for my mom and she loves it. And it’s always simple and just a few people. Plus if she has to use the toilet she can get plenty of help with privacy.
Most moms would be so fortunate to have you as a son. When I read about how much you do, I’d say you do a lot more than most.
Everything is a lot of work--bill pay, meds,, appointments, laundry etc.
If Mom asks tell her you have remote work to do at home for your job or you are on a budget.
I would do like some people suggested and laugh with her and just respond, "Me too, Mom," when she says "I wish we could do this once a week." And when she chips away at you, tell her "Sorry, that's not possible. But we'll do it on the 20th," and repeat as often as needed without a lot of details for her to argue back about. I think the more info you give her about why, the more it fuels her ability and compulsion to come up with reasons to push back. But if you are kindly firm and more vague, she can't do that as easily.
It's a mom's job to chip away at us and make us feel guilty and pressured (even for "nice and cheerful" moms!), but we don't have to take the bait. You are doing PLENTY for your mom and it's okay to stick with just that much and also live your own life as you need to. Your wife needs you. Your family needs you. Your job needs you. That's a lot. You are doing an AMAZING job with your mom already. It's okay to be lovingly firm with her about what you can do. She'll be all right. She's loved and safe and gets out a whole lot already.
I agree with others that say to make dinner out one of your visits. Two times a week is actually really generous with everything you are handling, maybe, cut out a week a month and only visit once a week the rest of the time?
Mostly I would encourage you to be forthcoming with her and stop her insistence in it tracks. She won't get everything she wants and that's life. You matter too and that leaves the room with aging seniors, they get terribly selfish and it is on us to retain boundaries and shift them as needed.
Two weeks ago, I took Mom to the podiatrist late morning on Tuesday, so we grabbed a quick lunch afterwards. Then on Thursday, she saw the pulmonologist late afternoon, so we got her a dinner to take back to her apartment at AL.
One day last week she had a noon dentist appointment, so we grabbed a quick lunch afterwards.
This week there are no appointments, but she sees the cardiologist next week one day at 11:30 so she and I will grab a quick lunch after that.
Every week is not like this, but it happens. My point is, she does get meals out with me.
One dinner a month is doable. The problem is if i say we'll go on the 25th, she'll start in on 'Why do we have to wait so long?" And she'll chip away every single time I see her or talk to her, regardless of what I say.
If I say let's go next week, in about 2 weeks she'll start chipping away about how next month is a long time from now so we should just go now.
We'll end up taking Mom to her favorite restaurant this month; Im just looking to stall for a bit because she gets insistent and waves excuses like work or being busy aside.
Maybe 1 dinner a month you and your wife join mom at the AL. Good idea to see how the meal service is anyway and tell her how good the meals are so that she does not feel like she is missing out.
Then the next month take her out. Make it whatever meal you want a breakfast, lunch.
This way you are taking her out just 6 times a year and you are having 6 meals there a year. Seems like that is not a lot.
I am not going to get into the "guilt game" and say it would be nice if I could go out with my Mom or Dad or my Husband for that matter. You have set your boundaries and we always tell caregivers to set boundaries. So I get it. you do spend time managing mom, you and your wife work and you have things to do at home. (one of the reasons I don't ask my daughter, SIL to help with something that I need done...they have their house, they work and they value their time) I don't know maybe I did get into the "guilt game" a bit but did not mean to.
But I see your point.
Hire a companion to take your mother to her doctor/dentist appointments and to get her shopping list done once a week. The companion will even take her out to eat so you won't have to do anything.
Let me reply to a couple of your questions.
Yes, I am aware of many other's situations, and my heart breaks for them. If that's your situation too, I'm sorry for you. Honestly.
Yes, I feel guilty for not wanting to take Mom out right away, especially given her numerous co-morbidities.
On the other hand, while she is doing reasonably well now, I have spent years being caregiver for her and Dad. Lowlights of that time include nearly 50 ER trips, around 20 hospitalizations, falls, broken ribs, UTIs, meningitis, cancer treatments, hospice, and Dad's death. I am tired.
Finally, yes, we'll take her to her favorite restaurant this month. I'm just looking for tips on how to stall a bit because she is insistent once an idea is in her head.
The other person, who I refuse to call "sister" anymore, lives 5 minutes away from Mom but has not visited in 10 months. She calls Mom once in awhile but Mom tells me all that person does is talk about themself for about 10 minutes, go "well, I gotta go," and then hangs up.
And you make it a day that works for both you and your wife. And if that doesn't work for your mom then she'll have to wait until the next month.
If you do take her out that is her visit for the week . You can skip your regular visit that week . Once a week to take her out is too much for you . Maybe once a month or once every 2 months if you want . It’s up to you . “ No “ is a complete sentence .
I think about 60 percent of it for Mom is getting out and going somewhere, and then the other 40 percent is the food itself.
You have NOTHING to be guilty for, because you are very attentive to your mom.
And when she says something like "Boy, this is great. I could do this once a week, haha." Laugh it off like you did. Just because she's saying she enjoys this doesn't mean you have to take out your calendar and make a commitment right then and there. Nor does it mean that this is the time for you to explain why you can't do it every week.
I'm doing my best, which I realize is more than many people would do, and it still feels like there's always more and more.
So we started bringing dinner to her sometimes, from her favorite Italian restaurant, where she could eat with the other residents. Until she started complaining about that, too, so we stopped. Sometimes for a holiday I'd get my 2 grown children on board to bring a meal to mom in the library and we'd celebrate there, or have a "pizza party". I did whatever was easiest. While in AL, we'd buy tickets to eat there in the dining room with her sometimes.
But I think your best bet is to set up a monthly date to go to a restaurant, or every 6 weeks or whatever, and take her out. Let her know that you're too busy to do it any more often with your other obligations and full time job. But once every X weeks you can manage. In the end, it's less stressful to have it pre arranged. Otherwise their expectations become way too much for us.
Best of luck to you.
She certainly talks about the food from her favorite restaurant, but she also says "I know what prisoners must feel like because I like it here but it's nice to get out and see the real world." Sigh....
You work , you have a life that you deserve to have. FOG -fear-obligation -guilt. All that puts us in a brain fog and makes us not enjoy are life, constant worry, changes are brain chemistry, we can't think clearly with the fog.
You are doing the best you can for mom, you can't let the things you think you should do eat away at you. It will affect you're relationships, you're mental and physical health.
You deserve happiness!!
Second, bc you work, you’re expected to be tired when you don’t.
My mil instituted an extra family dinner this year for their anniversary. I didn’t go. But dh spent 4.5 hours getting to her dumb sf restaurant in the mission bc he didn’t feel safe leaving his truck. All so we can listen to what is new with Mrs So and So and the weather. God. I told him I would not go nor am I going to their Father’s Day the week after next. She gets her BIIIRRRTHDAY in between from me.
I admire your boundaries!