Segoline what are you feeling guilty about? Your mother, I believe, is 93 y/o and failing in health. Her body is wearing out. She has lived her life, good bad or indifferent. You have made the correct (imo) decision in signing her on to Hospice. Are you feeling guilty for this? If so, death is a natural progression for we humans. So I am trying to find out if the guilt you feel is due to signing her onto hospice or something else?
To use your own words from a recent post where you told us all to “get a grip” - in that post you were telling us all to buck up and accept that taking care of an elder parent is their kids responsibility and all of us choosing to place our elderly family members in a facility were being selfish.
Sadness from losing your mother is natural, but any guilt you are feeling has to stem from you & her and past episodes, but that is water under the bridge now.
I signed my mother into hospice at age 89. She had suffered several strokes - the last one caused her to be unresponsive. Knowing my mother very well I knew she would not want to go on like how she became after her last stroke. I knew that from several conversations we had over the years. Did I feel guilty opting for hospice? No. I knew what the final outcome would be.
Noone has a perfect relationship with their parents. If there is any guilt you have about your prior interactions bad or good, you will need to work that out. But for now enjoy the time you have left with her.
Still feel the guilt. Everyone has said I did the most I could do, and there is nothing to feel guilty about.
I think it is the VOID... The thought someone died under my watch and care. Life....
I can't prevent life from happening, and I lost people I love, IT leaves a Void.
Maybe that's what I am still feeling. One died of cancer, one died of early onset dementia; alz, and list goes on....
Losing family and loved ones hurt. It does, and perhaps it was their time, perhaps they were too tired to keep on going... It wasn't our time to let them go, and I don't know if that "time" will ever be to us who are left behind, but it was there time.
Our time will come too.....Jus thope to see a grandchild before that happens ...
I pre-forgave myself many years ago as a very young woman. Since I lost my dad when I was 16 and have no siblings, the pressure from my mother was enormous. I determined that I would do everything I believed I should do when I should do it and sincerely believe that guilt is a wasted emotion. Why? Do what you should when you should and there's no reason to feel guilt, is there? Those who offer you a ticket on the Guilt-trip Express should be told, "No thanks. I went there once and it wasn't very interesting and I choose to not return." And certainly, don't purchase one of those tickets for yourself! Be gentle and forgiving of yourself.
I'm sorry you're having a rough week but please, don't feel guilty. As long as a loved one is safe and is being well cared for, then that's a good thing! Life definitely isn't fair and we just have to make the best decisions that we can and move forward. Also, remember that we have to take care of ourselves first, before we can take care of others. Stay strong!
We all have rough weeks that turn into rough months and years. Dementia claims / takes so many people’s identities, happiness, I think the caregiver suffers just as much in some ways, possibly more than the afflicted
((((((hugs)))))) That's one of the things we are here for!
Remember false guilt is due to not meeting the (often unrealistic) expectations of others, True guilt is felt when you have done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong,
FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are the tools of manipulation that narcissistic people use on their children and others to get their way, regardless of the cost to their children and other people.
You are entitled to a life of your choosing as much as any other person. You are providing your parent with good care That is your job. It is not your job to make anyone else happy. Only they can do that for themself.
Is there anything in particular that has triggered this off?
Do something good for you - treat yourself. You are worth it.
golden23, I just wanted to say that I read your answer, and it was like a balm to me on this guilt filled night. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
You have made the correct (imo) decision in signing her on to Hospice.
Are you feeling guilty for this? If so, death is a natural progression for we humans.
So I am trying to find out if the guilt you feel is due to signing her onto hospice or something else?
To use your own words from a recent post where you told us all to “get a grip” - in that post you were telling us all to buck up and accept that taking care of an elder parent is their kids responsibility and all of us choosing to place our elderly family members in a facility were being selfish.
Sadness from losing your mother is natural, but any guilt you are feeling has to stem from you & her and past episodes, but that is water under the bridge now.
I signed my mother into hospice at age 89. She had suffered several strokes - the last one caused her to be unresponsive. Knowing my mother very well I knew she would not want to go on like how she became after her last stroke. I knew that from several conversations we had over the years. Did I feel guilty opting for hospice? No. I knew what the final outcome would be.
Noone has a perfect relationship with their parents. If there is any guilt you have about your prior interactions bad or good, you will need to work that out.
But for now enjoy the time you have left with her.
I think it is the VOID... The thought someone died under my watch and care. Life....
I can't prevent life from happening, and I lost people I love, IT leaves a Void.
Maybe that's what I am still feeling. One died of cancer, one died of early onset dementia; alz, and list goes on....
Losing family and loved ones hurt. It does, and perhaps it was their time, perhaps they were too tired to keep on going... It wasn't our time to let them go, and I don't know if that "time" will ever be to us who are left behind, but it was there time.
Our time will come too.....Jus thope to see a grandchild before that happens ...
Those who offer you a ticket on the Guilt-trip Express should be told, "No thanks. I went there once and it wasn't very interesting and I choose to not return." And certainly, don't purchase one of those tickets for yourself! Be gentle and forgiving of yourself.
Remember false guilt is due to not meeting the (often unrealistic) expectations of others, True guilt is felt when you have done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong,
FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are the tools of manipulation that narcissistic people use on their children and others to get their way, regardless of the cost to their children and other people.
You are entitled to a life of your choosing as much as any other person. You are providing your parent with good care That is your job. It is not your job to make anyone else happy. Only they can do that for themself.
Is there anything in particular that has triggered this off?
Do something good for you - treat yourself. You are worth it.