My wife of 55+ years began her long journey at least 13 years ago. She has now lost all ADLs and can no longer communicate any thoughts she may have. I have in-home caretakers 8-13 hours per day. I’ve researched and considered MC but am always dissuaded by her caretakers who insist that her life expectancy could be reduced to a few months, which I’m not sure is so bad at this stage.
Is this likely or do they just have a conflict of interest in that they’d lose a good customer. I’m not sure whose benefit such a move would be for, but probably for me.
You matter too Harry. Not only is your wife's life destroyed by Alzheimer's, but so is yours. Its fine to place her, after 13 yrs, and to take back some of your own life in the process! You can visit her anytime, and have some peace back in your home as well.
Best of luck to you.
My parents both had dementia; they were kept at home due to family pressure and died there. It was a miserable long death. My dear husband is in late-stage dementia in a memory care facility now. He's been there for 9 months. He suffers from aphasia. Can't do any ADLs. Very much like your wife. However, the positives of his being in memory care, where he is surrounded by a team of kind and loving caregivers as well as new friends, are many. Sometimes he and his friends hold hands across the table. Sometimes they make silent jokes using funny expressions, and they all laugh whether they know what it's about or not. Often they give a friend treats from their plate at lunch. A Cheeto. A cookie. A green bean. DH is much better off than when he was at home.
DH had begun to develop a sign language before he went there. That was how he tried to communicate with me and staff in a hospital. His friends in MC began to mimic him. Now at least 3 of them communicate with him and the caregivers using signs. The method is fluid and changes with each person, but they all know that someone's trying to express himself and they try to understand. Needless to say, they are all highly intelligent. Even so, because of memory deficits, their signing is very limited to their present needs.
Examples: Friend A saw my DH getting his med in a cup of pudding. Friend A (Lewy body dementia) signed to the CG that he wanted some too. She brought it. When someone wasn't at the table, DH pointed to the empty space and made a rolling motion with his hands (person had left in a wheelchair), and facial expression showed that DH missed Friend B and wondered where he was. Only one of DH's friends was communicating anything at home before MC, and it wasn't much.
This shows that they are curious, understand more than previously thought, and have ability and the will to still be members of a society. It's unusual but has happened elsewhere, according to my research. The CGs at MC are delighted; they don't teach any sign language (they don't have time), but they are eager to respond in kind if confronted with it.
MC would be best for wife and you. She would have more to hold her interest and cause her brain to keep working. You would have your life back.
I think at this time you should give yourself some relief. You have done a heroic job in my humble opinion. I would tell them that you truly don't wish to discuss plans further with them; saying something once is enough. That you appreciate them and all they have done and will give them wonderful references but that it is time now that it is about YOU yourself. My very best to you and your wife.
Do what you need to do . The fact that you say they have to “ dissuade “ you , indicates that you already know what you feel is needed at this time , which is MC .
Right now, you are her caregiver (even though you have carers coming in). Your life and identity are entwined with your wife's - how she is now.
If you and your wife aren't together all the time, you can reclaim your life, including who you were when your wife was herself.
Perhaps you can already remember your wife clearly how she was before this illness robbed her, but if you can't then some distance might help you, so you're not seeing her constantly as a shell of the person she was.
Also, I think that you will find it harder to live and sleep in your home after your wife dies, whereas if she goes to live in memory care you will be able to transition and get used to her not being there without also having to deal with losing her. (Although, we all know about the long, drawn out grief process of losing our loved ones to dementia.)
Whichever decision you make, I wish you comfort and peace.
If you can afford MC, go tour a few. I placed my Mom into LTC. I walked into the facility and knew it was the place for Mom. The staff was so nice and the residents seemed clean and happy.
And there are no wrong answers here, but what is best for the 2 of you.
Regardless of what you decide I would most certainly bring hospice on board, as they will have a nurse come to your home or the facility once a week to start to check on your wife, and aides will come at least twice a week to bathe her. They will also supply any and all needed equipment, supplies and medications all covered 100% under your wife's Medicare. Plus you'll have access to their social worker, chaplain and volunteers.
I wish you the very best as you take this final journey with your wife.
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