Cry because I don’t know how we’ve gotten here. I’ve been my mothers right arm for over 20 years and we’ve been through a few illnesses, things I’m going through with her now are just unbelievable, I’m now treated like an enemy, I’m not trusted, I’m a liar and she tells other family members that I’m mean to her. I love my mother and wouldn’t do anything to hurt her but somedays I just want to walk away.

Family members have their own lives and they chime in at times but still no real help.
Last week with her being diagnosed with cancer for the second time it is hard trying to protect her for surgery prep and the coronavirus.
I just don’t know what to do other then to read as much information I can for a safe outcome but I’m just burnout!!

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I went through this with my father. He was always grumpy and said hurtful things to me, but when he was around anyone else, he was as sweet as could be. I mentioned this to a nurse one day who wanted to go over his lab results and she said it was "because he was comfortable with me." Wow, if that's the case, then aren't we lucky, lol? Seriously, it is because her brain is just not functioning correctly and as hard as it is to bear, we just have to do it. Go ahead and cry; I'm sure we all have at times during the course of caregiving. I know my pillow has had more than its share of tears.
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Reply to MsBelmont3
Alee123 Apr 9, 2020
Your first 2 sentences describes my mother exactly. It seems that there is something wrong with everything I do. And, she loves her caregiver. Except with the corona virus, she isn't coming. I try so hard to keep my mouth shut. Plus, my husband is in early Alzheimer's. At night when I let the dog out, I sit on my glider and cry and pray. My daughter-in-law who is a nurse, keeps telling me how important it is to take care of myself, but it's so hard with 2 people in the house to care for. Hang in there.
Hi, I am so sorry. I was you. Had the same situation, except replace cancer with Parkinson’s disease.

I burned out too. My heart breaks for you. My mom is now with my brother and sister in law. I did more than my share.

I know these are unusual times now. We all have our own unique circumstances as well.

I hope that you find relief soon. You are welcome to private message me anytime to vent. I walked in your shoes and understand.

Take care. Best wishes to you and your mom.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Jillinjo, I was just on briefly, and saw your post, but wanted to make sure to post something quickly to reach out to you.  I'm so sorry this is happening for you.  Cry; it's a great release.  We're here for you.  lil
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Reply to lilhelp
Jeffgeorge Apr 9, 2020
So sorry you are going through this pain and sorrow. The pandemic just makes things worse. I thank this forum for all the support and advice people give to caregivers. My heart goes out to all who are suffering while taking care of loved ones. I had no idea how widespread this problem was until I got into it myself. Thanks again for giving me the strength to stand up to this situation and deal with the tremendous guilt and sadness.
If this is new, Mom may have a UTI. If no UTI she could be in early stages of Dementia. Or, is she upset that she will need to go thru chemo again. Are you hovering. Trying to make her do things she doesn't want to do.
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Reply to JoAnn29

It’s very difficult when they turn on you like what’s happening to you now.
My mom was the same. In her last 2 years she went from sweet to downright nasty toward both my brother and I.
It’s because her brain is broken, my dear. It’s not the mother you are used to.
You may need to walk away for a while and try to understand it’s not personal.
I cried buckets of tears. Go ahead. You’ll feel better.
It’s hard but take it like a grain of salt. It’s just old age and a brain battered by living so long. It’s so very sad.
The things that came out of my mother’s mouth sometimes were absolute stingers.
Limit your visits during these times. Sometimes just being there upsets mom’s apple cart. And realistically she probably can’t remember what she said anyway.
Stay calm but steel yourself. It’s not going to change and you are going to have to deal with it or stop going to see her.
I hope you find a way to accept it and move forward. She doesn’t mean to hurt you (in the big picture) she just can’t help herself.
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Reply to Shane1124
JoAnn29 Apr 6, 2020
OP mentions nothing about Dementia and Mom lives with her.
This may sound crazy and thoughtless--but just b/c you have cancer (again) you do NOT have to treat it.

I went through NHL last year and it was hell. Had I known how lonely and sick I would be--still even almost a year since I was dxed--I may very likely have not opted to do chemo.

I will NOT do it again. I told my doc I was a 'one and done' so while I did finally accept the follow up TX that was recommended, I will not do chemo again. My family did not handle it well, my DH went into a deep, dark funk and was completely unable and unwillingly to do anything to help me.

NOBODY got burned out over my illness. Just me. I had a few good friends who rode it out with me and I thank heaven for them.

If your mother has dementia--why put her through the hell that is chemo? Just b/c you CAN doesn't mean you should.
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Reply to Midkid58

My dear I feel your pain! I understand completely what you are going through as I experienced the same with my mother. She also had cancer three times & chemo brain which really began to appear when she became home bound. She began falsely accusing me of all kinds of things as well as outside people who worked for her. There was nothing I could do or say to convince her otherwise. It was just as she said it was. She was very often angry with me for no reason other than what she wanted to blame me for & I was her scapegoat. I didn’t even know who she was anymore. I realized that she was hallucinating, had high anxiety & was delirious ( diagnosed by her Hospice nurse). It truly is a hell for the caregiver.

I would suggest that you keep in touch with friends & close relatives for your sanity because your situation can drive you crazy and really negatively affect your own health. Personally, I can say that it is my faith in God that really saved me and trusting in the Lord knowing that “this too shall pass.”

I must admit that a big glass of wine every night helped relieve my stress and was truly necessary & medicinal for me.

I will pray for you, but you must take care of yourself, too which is not so simple since there is not much time left in a day once you put your parent to bed. It is true that an adult child who becomes her parent’s caregiver suddenly becomes the parent in this situation. It’s tough love for the parent & sometimes the parent is ungrateful and behaves viciously towards the adult child/caregiver. As I said earlier, it really is hell for the caregiver.

May God bless you and give you His strength to endure this trial.
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Reply to EldestdaughterM

It sounds like your mother is either desperate OR she has a dementia. I see this all the time. I am seeing it now with another one of my patients. I am in home health. How about getting some much needed diagnosis from her doctor? Dementia... ah.... this is horrible. She is only going to get much worse. If you are NOT her legal cannot be forced to take care of her. When dementia patients get to a certain point, they will NOT listen to anything anyone says. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO REASON WITH THEM. They can no longer understand pretty much of what is going on. Their decision making abilities have pretty much "flown the coop". They say they have done this or that when they have not and vice versa. They say something happened yesterday/today but it may have happened, (if it happened at all) last week or last year or never. They get angry if you correct them so do NOT try. In their mind, whatever they say.. IT IS TRUE and you will not convince them otherwise. Some "see things". Some "hear things". They will think their animals are being starved so they will sometimes feed them all the time and accuse others of starving their pets. They will accuse others of stealing their money or NOT depositing their checks in the bank even when, with someone "in their right mind" would see that this is NOT true. I have had one hit me, Others tried to run into me with their wheel chairs and motorized chairs. Some can seem to stay, "continually angry". They yell.. accuse..Best to get them into a facility where they can take care of them... and NO ONE PERSON SHOULD BE LEFT ALONE WITH A DEMENTIA PATIENT. To me, there should always be at least 2 people together taking care of them when they get to this point. Dementia patients can be dangerous. They can cause great injury to their caretakers so best to have at least 2 people at all times with them. GOD bless. hugs.
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Reply to DonnaF777

Certainly you probably should find time "to walk away." Right now so many are ill prepared for this coronavirus. It is a disruption to all. When we work out in the world, it is usually a 40 hour week, paid benefits, days off, and vacations. Your other family members should be introduced to this site. Find a way to get relief either from them personally or financially to hire the help.

You must take care of yourself so you can be there for your loved ones too. I have read that they have good senior "day camps" throughout the country of USA. After this virus passes.....plan for a vacation. Thank you for helping her as much as you do. I know it has been a sacrifice for you. Even if you are a salary person or own your own business you still have a life outside of being a caregiver.

Take a nice private bubble bath with good music and a book. Relax and Enjoy
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Reply to LNReason

You must understand something. As people age, their brains don't work as they once did and their behavior is horrible - I personally could never handle that phase. What you once had and did with her is no more - it is yesterday and this is now. She is not who sh was. So you have to do what you need to do to place her and allow you to continue to love her but under the care of someone who is there and who can handle it. Please get moving. It is not YOUR problem - it is HER PROBLEM.
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Reply to Lockett2166

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