Almost a year ago my father had a heart attack and ongoing cardiac issues, my mom diagnosed with Dementia and in a SNF has moved into the mother in law suite at my house. He literally has made me choose between caring for him and my relationship as he is not realistic about the work my boyfriend should be doing around my house so I asked my boyfriend to move out just so I didn't have to be in the middle. I am getting depressed and lonely at 40 and think I have made a HUGE mistake with this move.

My question: was Dad always like this or is this something new since the heart attack? If new, call his Cardiologist and tell him whats going on. 69 in still young. In hindsight might have been better telling Dad he needed to leave because it wasn't working. Especially if boyfriend was there first. What would u have done if BF was ur husband?

Maybe a drs. visit warranted. Write a note telling the doctor how Dad is. Also, mention that him living with u in not working. What does he suggest an independent living or Assisted living.

I am not saying this because I think u should still have Dad living with you, just a little insight. Dads world has been turned upside down. The person he relied on is now in an NH and may have no idea who he is. He found out he is mortal. That heart attack could have killed him. It takes a while to bounce back. All he has familiar is you.

If ur going to continue this living arrangement, then u need to set boundries. First of all your not his wife. Second, he is living in your home so your rules. You refuse to be his entertainment. He has to have a life of his own and you do too. Call your Office of Aging to find out what is available in ur area. Maybe an adult care or a Senior center. Maybe Church, they have things going on other than Sunday.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Yup, you have made a huge mistake in allowing your Dad to run your life.

So now you need to undo the mistake. Whether or not you can rekindle your relationship with your fellow is questionable. He is not likely to trust that you will not dump him at a moment’s notice again.

Dad needs to live elsewhere. IL, AL whatever can meet his medical and social needs.

You need to get some therapy and work through why you threw your relationship under the bus.

Good luck.
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Reply to Tothill

Put him in a home. ASAP. He's only 69.
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Reply to HelloImMinsu

Your dad should never have put you in this position, it was selfish and far too demanding of him. Now that you’re realizing your mistake please change the situation. Before you worry about the boyfriend, make arrangements for your dad to live elsewhere. You can still be involved and his caregiver, but it will be on much healthier terms for you both. Don’t argue or spend time explaining yourself, you’re an adult and capable of making sound decisions. It won’t be easy to make the change but it will be best. Look forward to reading your update and you feeling better about life
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Reply to Daughterof1930

Is there any way to get BF (boyfriend) back? Unfortunately, you did make a huge mistake.

So, time for a bit of tough love here:

You chose this yourself... out of what's known as FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. He has likely been pulling things like this, expecting his way or no way, for a long time. No loving dad would put you through this. Deep down inside you is the little girl who wants to make Daddy happy and be loved. I can assure you this will not happen. It's hard to let go of the hope and it's even harder to accept.

It's not about the boyfriend not doing what father thought he should at home. Dad simply wants to be #1 and wanted BF out of his way. He didn't give a damn if you were happy with the BF. Doesn't care about your future. Doesn't care if you're miserable. Why would you choose this over someone who cared about you?!

As for telling him to back off, there is no point. He is not going to change or realize what he's done. You'll never be able to convince him.

The "but it's my dad" notion is no longer valid when he doesn't act like a dad.
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Reply to LoopyLoo

Sounds like you did make a mistake with moving your father in AND in asking your b/f to move out!!! Your father is 69 years old and can easily live another 2+ decades!! See about getting dad placed elsewhere, such as Assisted Living or Independent Living, depending upon his needs, and then see about getting your b/f to move back in. A parent should never put their child in a position to choose between them and a love interest, nor should they force their opinions down your throat. It is a privilege for your father to be living in your home and he seems to be treating it as an entitlement and something you owe him. And like he's king of YOUR castle!

Best of luck taking your life back!
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Reply to lealonnie1

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