Ten phone calls and angry messages from Dad. How does anyone deal with this behavior from a parent?

This is the first time I have seen ur post and its 3 days old.

Seems your doing the right thing. Tell him you are not his slave. That you have a life with a husband and a home, both need your attention. You refuse to be abused and will not answer his calls until he shows you some respect. If he can't do that, don't call.

My mthr was narcissistic, and I took a few timeouts from her. However, it was not until my hubby and I said that she needed to treat me with the respect she shows other people - that is, being nice to their faces - or she did not need to interact with me at all. She chose to leave the relationship because I would hang up or leave immediately when she started anything negative. She left, not me. That gave me freedom from guilt.

My answer to people who asked how mthr was doing was, "it's so hard to deal with undiagnosed (or untreated) mental illness." That tends to shut people up as they don't want the details.

I see it from the other side.
Your statement;
"He and mom are both 80 and dad is the "exhausted" caregiver to mom with early dementia."
I italicized the word exhausted. That is why he calls so often. Maybe he won't admit defeat but, I'll bet he's 'hit the wall'. 
80 is often too old for a senior to take care of a demented partner. He'd do well just to care for himself.

IMO, give your dad some respite by taking care of your mom occasionally, hiring professionals or have her do a stay in a board and care home for a week. During this time, you can be looking for assisted living or memory care facilities to care for your mom.

Think about how tired we get, now double that. That's what your father has to deal with along with a demented wife. If you remove the "cause" of his anger and frustration, I'll bet he'll hardly call at all.

Maybe this is his way of asking for help. Cut him a break and discuss placing your mom in a facility with him. I'm sure a great weight will be lifted off his shoulders. Even people half his age aren't able to cope with this disease.

You need to get mom placed. Saw this problem with neighbors - fact was that dad was not able to care for mom as her dementia progressed. Finally daughter insisted that mom be placed . She was better taken care of and dad no longer had to pretend he was coping. It will reach that point so why not get it done now?

JoAnn,
I have noticed that other "NEW" posts listed on pages 3, 4, or 5; without any comments and they had been posted 6-10 hours or even 1 -2 days earlier.

GingerMay, we apologize for not responding sooner.

surprise: "my hubby and I said that she needed to treat me with the respect she shows other people - that is, being nice to their faces - or she did not need to interact with me at all. She chose to leave the relationship because I would hang up or leave immediately when she started anything negative. She left, not me. That gave me freedom from guilt."

I'm going to remember this for if (when?) I get to this point with my mother. In my case, it's going to also have to do with the micromanagement/obsessive control part of her personality. This is why I refuse to be her nursemaid for illnesses. I did it once (for 8 days and nights), and will not do it again. She will get very nasty when she finds out that she can not order me around when she's sick.

One of my brothers is now retired, and HE can come down and be her slave. Or take turns with the other two (who will have to take time off from work). I wonder if she would be as unappreciative with them as she is towards me? Or my mother can hire an agency.

I cared for my 71 year old husband with dementia. I refused to admit it was too much for me! I didn't get enough sleep since I was on twenty four hour duty. It came to a head when Frank got so mad he attacked our son! dementia makes people very angery when you try tell them they are wrong! Frank is now in a nursing home and he loves it. I get him every so often, and bring him home for a visit. He can't wait to go back after about two hours. It mite be time to look for other care. Your father is over whimmed. For a 80 year old to have to handle his wife's care by himself is too much. I know I'm 66. No sleep, no rest,trying to explain that they are confused takes a toll. Worse, watching some slip away and you can't do a thing is horrowble, I know. He's gripping at you because it is a constant battle with his beloved wife he no longer knows!

Thanks everyone. Your insight really does help. Funny how I feel I get more support and understanding from all of you than I do from anyone else. I am grateful for this site.
I do believe Dad's tantrum is "somewhat" triggered by his exhaustion and mom's inability to judge what is appropriate. However, they have both gone on a bender like this before with me clearly in their crosshairs even when he and mom were healthy. My repeat offense? I don't immediately return their call. I've read where people will not change during such illness, but become more of what they already are... nice remains nice, etc. You aren't nice then change into a controlling, angry individual. I wonder if this reveals more of their true nature that I always assumed as a kid.  
I have a care plan for them in mind that starts with in home care that will graduate to an ALF. They aren't willing to accept my suggestions right now. Also, my older sister is POA, executor, and trustee successor.

Does your POA sister agree with your plan for their care? Who has medical POA? POA has authority to manage their funds. Will she use their funds for some in-house care?

I don't think it is always true that we become more like ourselves as we age, but I have seen it often enough to respect that observation. My sweetheart mother stayed kind and considerate even through her confusion. My pleasant-mannered husband stayed pleasant and intellectually curious although his thinking was impaired. So, GingerMay, I doubt you can "teach" your Dad. He is who he is. You can decide not to accept his disrespect. You control your own behavior and expectations. But you cannot change him into a respectful person.

I agree that his caregiving role is probably too much for him. I do feel sorry for him. I hope that getting some relief on that front (which POA should be seeing to) will calm him down some. Meanwhile, you may not need to go no-contact, but calmly refusing his rudeness would be helpful to you, I think.

I had a neurologist tell me about Dementia, if they were nice before, they will be nice; if they were mean before, they will be mean; if they were nice before and mean after; they were mean to begin with and were able to cover it up. TG we never had to care for my MIL. Everyone thought she was a sweet lady, but if she didn't get her way, she was a nasty lady. She was passive agressive too.

GingerMay, did Mom spoil Dad? My Mom waited hand and foot on my Dad. He was the bread winner. She carried for him when his heart problems progressed. My Dad went on SSD in his early 50s. Mom said to him, during one of his "get me this" moods, "you have been retired 25 yrs, when can I retire?" Dad said "never". If the tables had been turned my Dad would never had been able to care for Mom. I also would have gotten angry calls all day long. There was a couple in Church that she started having health problems in her 80s. She had no Dementia, just mobility problems. His daughter lived next door but he was able to keep his wife in their home until she passed. She was just short of 90 and he was over 90. Is now 98 and still going.

JoAnn that is a lovely story about the couple from your church. Happy that the husband is 98 and still going even years after his wife's passing. I wonder if some couples learn to cover eachother's shortcomings, but at some point can no longer uphold the facade.

Ginger, it sounds as though your dad suffers from an anxiety disorder. Has he ever been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for a thorough workup of his mental health? Could you facilitate that?

I ran across this post when searching as to why my dad is so angry all the time. He has zero to no patience with anything. I read the notes from the caregivers. He gets angry with them and he has outbursts in the store with them if the lines aren't moving fast enough and they apologize to people for his outbursts. When he unloads on me, I let him have it right back although that might not be the correct thing to do. He is 92 with dementia. He is treated with memantine and seroquel by a geriatric psychiatrist.

So, if your mom is a narcissist, your dad is about at the end of his rope putting up with the chronic, non-stop BS he's been putting up with for the past god-knows-how-many-years. And, now that she's going down the dementia road, her once-ugly traits are becoming SO unbearably ugly that he's probably feeling panic-stricken, and taking his fear out on you. How do I know such things? Because my mother is a narcissist, and my poor sainted father put up with (enabled) her for 68 years before he blessedly passed away. In the last year of his life, he finally started standing up to her and they fought constantly because, of course, narcissists are NEVER wrong, under any CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER. I have no earthly idea WHY dad enabled my mother to behave in the despicable way she did for so long, I suspect he may have been afraid of her. And she had the ability to make him feel like the biggest failure/loser on earth, so maybe he felt indebted to her for staying married to him, who knows? The moral of the story is this: take care of YOU! Set down some rules and boundaries and then stick to them. Just erase the nasty voice messages from dad, and tell him you did so, because you don't deserve that sort of treatment from him, regardless of HOW frustrated he may be feeling. You are not the enemy and are not obligated to stand in his line of fire anymore. Period.

Wishing you lots of luck & Godspeed, my friend. This is a tough road to navigate, that's for sure. Just stay in charge and try not to let the tirades get to you, or to take them personally. Easier said than done, huh? :)