We are stuck in a terrible situation that just gets worse. I live with my mom and my grandmother who has moderate dementia that is steadily getting worse. She requires constant supervision and care, and has incontinence problems that cause huge messes several times a day. My mother is completely overwhelmed, to the point where she is unable to make rational decisions. She tries her best, but she is not fit to care for my grandma, and neither am I. I help out as much as I can but there just isn't much I can do. Grandma refuses to go to a home. We can't afford the level of in-home care we need. My mom has a brother, but he is refusing to give any help and is controlling and manipulating mom so she won't stand up to him and demand help. Mom yells at Grandma all the time, and Grandma tries to hit us and says we hate her. She has fallen several times, even cracking her head open. It is clear that living here is not safe for her, but she refuses to go anywhere else. My mother keeps saying she is going to just "go away" and she "wishes she was never born". I am already losing my Grandma, but I'm terrified I'm going to lose my mom too. No one is willing to help us. We live in a terrible situation but it isn't anything considered illegal, so we can't even get help that way. I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like something really terrible is going to happen if something doesn't change soon. It absolutely kills me watching my mom go through this, I have never seen her this bad before. What can we do??? How do we get out of this awful situation??? Please help.
Please call her doctor regarding her behavior. Maybe meds will help calm her down. Also, call 911 at the very first sign of violence. You don’t deserve to b treated this way.
Vent all you want. We care. Keep us posted on your situation.
You can contact APS and they can review the situation.
or
Next time grandma falls call 911. Typically I would say ask for a "lift assist" they would come in, lift the person off the floor, place them in a chair or bed and leave. Usually there is no charge for a lift assist.
In this case I would say you need to ask them to transport her to the hospital. Once at the hospital tell a Nurse or whoever you talk to that you need to talk to the Social Worker. You tell the Nurse and the Social Worker and the Doctor that she can not be discharged to go home. Home is unsafe for her. And that she is hitting you, your mom and that you are afraid that she will hurt you and that you feel unsafe with her at home.
Even if grandma does not fall. If she start hitting you call 911 tell the dispatcher that you are being hit, abused or that your mom is being hit and abused. Explain that the person that is hitting is an elderly person with dementia but you are afraid for your safety. Ask that she be transported.
If there are any weapons in the house LOCK them up or get them out of the house. If asked by the dispatcher if there are any weapons you can say they are locked up or that you have removed them from the house. (lock up knives as well)
I can feel so hopeless when in the bottom of the pit. Don't lose hope - keep looking for the way out.
Friends, family & neighbours can only do so much, if they get involved at all & home care aides will not work for free of course.
I don't doubt you need help but it will be up to you & your Mother to find it. To actively decide to look for it.
Change is required to make changes here.
What advice does your local Doctor give?
Do you and your mother live with your grandmother? Is it her house or apartment? Or does she live with your mother and you?
If your uncle is "controlling," does that mean he has POA? Or does no one? As Margaret also said, if no one has POA, then Grandma only get to control what happens to her. She doesn't get to control your mom or you.
Please let us know more. You are going to have to be very strong for your mother and yourself to change this situation. You can do it!
Probably the only way to get to that point is via a hospital admission following which you refuse to take her back, on the basis that it is not a safe place for her and your mother cannot provide adequate care. If grandma falls (particularly if she ‘cracks her head open’), call 911 and an ambulance will take her to the hospital for a check. You then immediately see the Social Worker and explain the situation. They will press you to take her back, offer help etc etc etc, but you should just refuse.
Now this will require mother to stand up to her brother who is “controlling and manipulating mom so she won't stand up to him and demand help”. A bit more information would help us to find some ideas about how to deal with that. It would also help if you could say how old you are, and the same for mother and grandmother. Sometimes it takes ‘tough love’, like leaving, to make the situation so bad that it falls over. While your mother is still coping (just), that won't happen. Leaving home would be the last straw for her.
It would be a good idea to call APS, get them to come out and have a look at the situation, and give you some advice about what to do. I hope that other people on the forum can help more. I’m not in the US, so I don’t know the details of who can help (and it would help other people if you can say the state, as it can vary).
You have my sympathy and best wishes. You need lots of strength to deal with this, and I hope that writing to us is a useful first step! Yours, Margaret