my mother was my father's primary caregiver (with our help, me and another sibling), he has parkinsons and alzheimers, she's much younger than him and suffered a traumatic brain injury after falling in the hospital, after a long and painful road, she was able to come home with extensive needs but had a setback (seizure) and has been in the hospital/another surgery/subacute since then, throughout this ordeal i gave birth to twins, every morning i wake up hoping it's just a nightmare and feel sick when i realize this is the reality of things, we (me and 5 siblings/lots of drama by the way) are leaning towards placing them both in the same long term facility (skilled nursing), he asks for her everyday/looks for her, at one point he knew she was in the hospital but luckily he forgets, i guess that's a good thing, when his health started declining several years ago she was adamant about keeping him home at all costs, and now she's in worst condition than him, it's really sickening, so i'm struggling with the plan of placing him not only because of her wishes but also because i always heard that alzheimers/older patients don't do well with change.....although they'll be together, she is not alert enough to interact with him but i hope they will realize that they are together, just really struggling with all of this, i have seen his steady decline over the years so it's been easier to accept but hers was sudden and tragic at a time of my life where i was supposed to be so happy with the blessing of 2 babies, as i mentioned before there's significant drama amongst the siblings as you can imagine, this has made things much more difficult, any input/guidance would be wonderful....

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Hi UsaPositive,
My heart goes out to you about both of your parents. The whole situation is tragic beyond belief.

My dad suffered "instant dementia" after a brain surgery, so I do know the horror of such a sudden change in an otherwise healthy parent. The fact that your mother is now unable to enjoy your twins and help you is beyond sad, making your whole situation so much worse.

Please realize that no one could have known that this would happen. I believe that your parents would be best off together in a long-term care facility. They will be safe and cared for and you can visit when you can.

As a mother myself, and a caregiver to multiple elders, I can assure you that your mother would never have wanted you to have to cope with this. The fact that she can't help you is crushing enough. She would not want to add to your struggle. Even if sometimes elders get clingy when they are ill, most actually would not choose to take over their adult children's lives. Believe me, she and your dad, in their hearts, would want you to find joy in your babies and not be completely tied to them through their illnesses.

It's very sad that your siblings are keeping things in "high drama" rather than helping you and your shared parents. Since that is the case, you'll have to try to detach from their behavior and do what is right.

Please look into long-term care for your parents. You can keep tabs on them, but your children need you now.

Keep checking back with us when you can. There is a lot of combined wisdom in this community. Our hearts are with you.
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Carol gave you great advice. I think deep down, your mom will be grateful for a long term care facility where they can live out their life together and have the help they need without the worry and burden of what might happen next.

You are caring and loving and also deserve a life raising and enjoying your children. Now you can be a great mom AND a great daughter able to spend quality time with mom and dad without the stress of day to day caregiving and worry over their managing.

Congrats on the twins. Bring twins to visit mom and dad when you can and take lots of pictures of them with their grandparents so they'll have some memories.
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I have never experienced such a dilemma. It does sound to me like they will both be better off with professional care, What a sad situation for everyone.

God bless you all.
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thanks everyone, when i went to visit her in rehab during the summer (was still pregnant running around all over the place), i remember her telling me not to come because it was too much for me & to think about myself and the twins, it just breaks my heart remembering that moment and another time when plans were being made for her to come home, i remember her saying that she was supposed to be the one helping me, i told her that we'll help each other, very touching moments that stay with me always, unfortunately her health has worsened drastically in the last few months, God Bless you all
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Usa, I am extremely sorry for the situation you are contending with. I believe it's in the best interest of your parents that you place them in a care facility. You can be at peace with this decision because it's not of your doing at all. As a mom myself I would never want my daughter to feel the agony that you are shouldering at this time. You must concentrate on your children, and your parents would have wanted it that way. This life brings us so many problems. I don't know your beliefs, but I will share some things that have helped me cope with my depression and anxiety over the past couple of years dealing with my parents health issues. I am a Christian, and we are told that God is Love. It's very hard to look at conditions in the world, like with your parents illnesses, and make sense of how a loving God can allow such things to continue to occur. Jesus Christ however taught us to pray for "Gods Kingdom to come rule the earth as it does in heaven." This is because when God;s Kingdom does rule this earth, which will be soon, it will bring to an end all the suffering, war, sickness, death, poverty, disasters, everything bad will be gone forever. Revelation 21:3-4 says in part "God will wipe every tear from their eyes and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore." You can draw strength from the Bible, which is God's spirit inspired word. A lamp that can guide us through all that comes upon us. I don't think I would be alive without the benefit I have received from reading and studying the Bible. I especially like Philippians 4:6-7 which says "Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of
Christ Jesus." By praying to God about our situations and asking for his help by his holy spirit, he will help us to be able to be stronger than we ever thought possible in our current situations.
Take care of yourself and those babies. One day at a time, and sometimes, it's one minute at a time. There is no shame in it.
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