My mother is such a hard person for me to be around long term. I feel like I spend all week trying to build my self-confidence back up, only for her to knock me down each & every time I see her. Yesterday she took me out for my bday dinner. She caught me off guard when I walked in & started blaming me about a window left open on her computer. This was all my fault. Doesn’t matter that I didn’t do it. Doesn’t matter that it’s her computer & I’m not responsible for what’s on her desktop. Silly & insane, right? Let it just roll off your back everyone says. But it doesn’t happen like that. She catches me off guard. I don’t want to be there to begin with. The entire dinner I pretended it was a bad blind date & all I had to do was get through it and then I could go home. Oy vey
Cut her out of your life entirely, or limit your interaction with her. Bring someone else with you when you have to see her. I do not visit my mother on my own unless it is when one of her aides is there. She keeps her nastiness in check when someone else is there. If she starts up in any way, I leave or a phone call ends. You should try this.
For you, the basic issue is that your mother isn't nice to you, BUT you don't get to the part where you don't have to be around someone who isn't nice to you. Instead, you bounce over to the conviction that bowing out isn't an option. This shows me that you're stuck with your conviction, and you're just venting, but right over the fence that you've built, you see and yearn for the greener grass of "I don't have to be around someone who isn't nice to me."
Why? How much more would she have to do to get you over that fence and into the greener pasture of not having to be around her?
She's horrible, but she must carry a very big stick indeed in order to keep you where she wants you - on her (abusive) side of the fence. Everyone doesn't say to let it roll off your back! I don't! I think that's bad advice and harmful to you.
You could do something else, but you won't.
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Why isn't bowing out an option? Why waste not only the time spent with her, but also time during the week working your self-confidence back up, on someone like this? Your life and time are your own, and you don't need to spend them with someone who treats you this way.
I applied it to my MIL (before she had cognitive issues) when she would incessantly talk about her health issues yet do nothing to better herself. It worked like a charm, and didn't take very long.
My own Mom is 95 and lives next door to me with moderat dementia. Even before dementia she had a blunt, negative, skeptical, cynical communication style. I now have taught myself to change the topic seamlessly or just pretend I got a phone call and run out of her house when she starts in.
If your Mother has dementia then you will need to pick your boundaries. I personally believe continuously "informing" someone with dementia of boundaries is pointless and exhausting. They can't learn, they can't see them, they no longer have the basic "tools" to make themselves see and remember or care about them. You are now the only person who can change. The boundaries are for you, not her.
I'm sorry it is becoming so difficult to be with her. You may want to consider talking to her doctor about meds for her depression and anxiety. They helped my Mom a lot. You have permission to do as much self-care as you need.
Also, why is "bowing out" not an option? There are often other options but you may need to bring yourself around to accepting them as such. More information would be helpful.
Did changing the subject, redirecting the conversation, and not having any reaction to your MIL's verbal abuse towards you stop her?
No, I'm sure it did not. Never normalize any kind of abusive behavior, even when someone has dementia. No one has to rage at a person but verbal abuse should never just be accepted because hat normalizes it.
Your birthday is your day. You could have enjoyed the day with a friend or by yourself for that matter. I'm no stranger to taking in a movie and a dinner alone.
You do not have to accept disrespect from someone dementia or not. If your mother doesn't have dementia, she sounds like a mean spirited person.
Spending your week having to rebuild your self-esteem and then having it kicked from underneath you? The definition of insanity is doing the same old things and expecting different results.
Sometimes setting a boundary is getting the heck from under someone's thumb; in this case, from someone shaking an accusatory index finger at you for some imagined nonsense.
You need to read about boundaries and how to enforce them. Time to take steps to let her know that you will not allow her to treat you that way.
Really don't understand why you cannot bow out, has she brain washed you that you are obligated to deal with her nastiness?
Some therapy might help you and consider reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty.
If Mommy Dearest wants your help, she will have to be nice to you. I bet she expects total respect from you! But she sure as hell doesn’t give you the same.
Stop wasting time. She doesn’t love you and never will. The “but it’s your mother” does not apply here. She’s not a mother to you. It makes no sense to take these vocal beatings from her. Tell her you will see her when her attitude is better. If she starts in on you again, leave. Can say “Mom, I see you’re in a bad mood today. I’ll come back when you’re feeling better.” and GO.
But from the tone of your post, I fear you will just keep taking the verbal abuse.
You say bowing out is not an option. Why not?
do you have children or a good friend... If they came to you and asked for your advice about another friend, coworker that was bullying them or treating them poorly what would you tell them? Would you advise them to endure it or change the way they deal with the abuse. (and it is abuse)
Have you told your mother how you feel?, If you have and she still continues why do you put up with it.
If you have not told her, why not?
Next time she starts in tell her to stop. If she doesn't get up and leave. So this technically is not bowing out but it is setting your boundaries. And your mother needs to accept YOUR boundaries.
You have taught her that she can get away with this behavior now you have to "retrain" her.
Reading your comment here really resonated with me. It could be my life story with my mother. I tried for a long time with my mother and she never did a damn thing for me. I too believe that she is hardwired to be critical of me and even abusive. I know the reason though. One word.
Jealousy.
My mother has been jealous of me my entire life. Jealous of my looks, my fierce independence, my bold and fearless nature, but I think most of all my marriages.
Your mother is probably jealous of you and thats why she treats you so badly and with so much resentment.