Parent used all her life to set up not permitting her kids (rely just me) to be involved in anything. Now, the parent could use 'help' following a UTI but her attorney has orders to fight everything for a child to help and her investor is the same. This same attorney is the POA and the second is a person who has garnished a tremendous about of money, really more than most people make. You would think an attorney would help, but 'no'. Think dictator. Parent is difficult as ever, probably has always been mentally unstable and was always so abusive that it has caused needed treatments of caregivers and the death of a sibling who just could not take it. This aged person is also well educated so every turn causes so much grief. This person can still outsmart people. So it does seem she intentionally does not want to care for their self. It is a sickness this person has always had but the affluence still gives this person a ton of authority. It is a situation where the picture and story do not match. Sibs will not help, and frankly, I do not like this person. But now police are looking for a scapegoat because this aged person also has a just as crazy sibling and she is using my name negatively in public. I want to say the cops know the truth, but they have this jerk rhetoric that makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. I spoke to the director of the Area on Aging and in her words "I know your mother and we do not work miracles". At the same time I have been investigated twice now just because of the craziness of my parent and parent's sib. Mentaly ill in my opinion. I want out. Really, other than people knowing I am related, I should have no involvement. The cops that are jerking me over with the do this and do that - these are the same cops that when I cared for my other parent who I did love would come and run me out from the simple remarks of this abusive and crazy parent. When I plead to cops or my sibs they are deaf to it, and in truth, many are connected to this person's money where I never have been. Basically, I was the most abused kid because I was a caring person and easy mark - this same parent abused the parent that I loved and it kills me to be treated like a servant, and I even get that term, knowing that it is now the same game Igrew up with. I get told by my sibs just never go back, but then I get dragged back in by cops who just do not want to go near this situation because of the notoriety this parent possesses. This seems sort of unique to me. Any advice? A POA will not work. A 302 will not work. My just giving up is the advise I get from my sibs, but then they are not getting the calls because they moved. I get, let everything go bad so that then we can get a foothold. But that is also unsettling. Getting my own attorney will just get my parent to fight the act in the court at my expense - and really, wanting to stay in her urine for attention in a home of such wealth is so crazy it should raise so many flags but either you know this parent and you stay silent out of legal or societal fear, or you force it on someone because no one wants this problem. Or, you are so clueless and think all mothers love their kids. This one, and many, just does not - but many do not get it. So, ideas, and mostly I just want to walk away. Medical caregivers are slightly involved as well right now, but they just cannot wrap their mind around it and their managers are not taking notes for whatever reason - but they would not tell me anyway as orders are that 'I' am not to get info I think. So simple, walk away. can I? But if I do and this parent goes downhill, then what? Honestly, this parent is so crazy that I would not place it past her to be doing this because of the pain it causes.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Amen and amen....
Helpful Answer (1)

Why are you contacting your mom every day when she says she doesn't want your help? You are setting yourself up for heartbreak. Walk away and don't look back. Quit contacting her. Let her live her life as everyone else has said. Get out of the fire and take care of your wife and children. {{{Hugs}}}
Helpful Answer (2)


Remove yourself from this toxic situation.

If you aren't strong enough to do it for yourself, think of it as doing it for your kids. I'll bet that gives you strength.
Helpful Answer (1)

I want to thank everyone. I will do my best to incorporate and follow this advice. It is so odd and I am sure I am not the only one, but when all this got more intense I began to have nightmares. I only seem to have them when I have to deal with this parent, and it does seem pretty incredible to consider the powerful forces that are acting on me.

I am trying: just by holding myself to this simple measure of "I am here to help, but if you do not help me help you or if you don't just help yourself, I will leave to simply come back to ask you again tomorrow". That seems working but boy is it pissing my mother off and that is scary to any age person. At least I am more spry.

You folks are special to me for the help you give. My sibs, considering the abuse we grew up with, each developed a better you than me. I did not, but wow, if a black cat has 9 lives - I must have 10 but used up 9.5 already. I feel really bad for my wife and kids, because they know dad is a good guy and they can and have see/n a lot more than I write.
Strip this all down and there is an additional ruse. Older sib says I am getting us guardianship and will address this, but not one things has been done in the last few months. "Hold in there" - while Atlas even needed help. The POA says he does not want to be POA, and the second is the person who has taken around over a quarter million USD. That guy used to beat us as kids also at the direction of the parent who needs care.

I know it is odd for a grown man to have all this turn him into 6 year old , but it is happening; and I am each a PhD, NHA, and FBT. So I get how I have learned this same lesson many times, and also never learned from it. I also know that a person who never gave love will not develop and give any love now. Why do I just not stay away, it is the game I am in and I am always - cannot we just be normal.

The pleas 'you have to help me', the lies of needs, and then of course knowing that this person is so freaking powerful that I have never once been able to win, protect myself, even at times survive normally. The most I have truly thrived in my life was after my dad died and I realized her control over me is over. I had to go through her to get to my dad, even when my dad was well. Frankly she had my dad as a beaten servant too. All of us. I just could never understand it. If we were a poor family when I was a kid all the kids would have been removed. My dad, even with all the love I had for him, should have helped us but I always thought it was his generation. I was born when he was 50.

It does seem a shame to just let her handlers and my abusers just get her wealth, and 100% not what it is about. But my kids have had it harder becasue of this same parent. I did stop taking my mother in public because my mother would always tells others, and she says it this way about me 'I trust this one, do you know why?' Why the person asks. She says, 'because he is my only poor child.' Honestly, that hurts but does not faze me considering. Just a head shake. What she would mean if she was a good person is that, I do not know, 'He cannot be controlled by the almighty dollar" and 'he does not give up'.

But I did finally call her attorney and said in a message 'I get she took me out of my dad's will (not wanting the money piece but I am really only family in last name it seems) and I know you are not to talk to me, but I need to get out and she will need someone to pay. "I" am paying right now. He never called back and heard from my brother who said we cannot be calling attorneys. I know he played a game I did not, so he does not want to mess anything up for himself. Sister is the same way. Here and there I see things that tell me they are not being honest.

I called my mother's investor, again not for money but one would think he would care but also told him that for my health I need to find someone else. His answer, and he was involved in getting me out of my dad's will (and my dad loved me for this one reason, a quote, 'you are my favorite because you turn the other cheek'). But he said, 'you are in the fire but you cannot give up, good bye'. Just now as I write about the 'cheeks', it sounds like I should have never took such pride in that compliment but I applied it to all aspects of my life.

I am such a nice guy and I want to punch a few folks but I will not - so I will punch myself. I do greatly appreciate reading your advice because I know turning the check and staying slapped has never given me anything other than a face bruised on both sides. Sure it is toxic, but I have been drinking that junk all my life. I just need to see I do not have to.

As I write I wish sleep would come to me, because I have begun to want to punch the demons in my dreams in my face. Sure it sounds dumb, but I am also not going to get in trouble for it. I fear trouble because that was a big controlling feature. I even felt bad saying the cops are being jerks as obviously there are good cops, but here in a small town, they are more like my mother's personal police. They have and will do anything my mother tells them to do. I also know, sounds unbelievable.

But if I do cite experience, unless I totally disappear or move out of state they will call me and say something that will make me think I am 6 and they are here because I did not clean the house well enough - and this has happened and happened while my mother used to always have maids and maids were defacto mothers until they too disappeared because of this same person's abuse.

Hope this long post does not make me sound too odd, but it is my form of therapeutic writing and your help is golden to me.

Thank you!
Helpful Answer (0)

It's time to live your own life. Your parent has an attorney and money. she will be OK.
Helpful Answer (5)

I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish I had words of wisdom, but as you mentioned on the thread I started; we are kind of in the same boat. I just wanted to reach out and say I understand.
There are so many wise people on here and it is very helpful to hear the voices of experience and kindness.
Helpful Answer (1)

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It does not sound like it's a healthy environment to be in.

What would you tell me to do if I were in your situation?

Your mother sounds like she's negativly manipulating your life. She also sounds like she feels powerful because of her money and social position. If you are feeling bad by what she does or says to you, it's time to get out of her life.

Would you tolerate this behavior from a friend? Probably not. Then you don't need to tolerate it from her either.

Maybe you feel guilty for leaving your mom's life. But we shouldn't stay in unhealthy relationships. That only get you sick. 
You mention the police get involved. That further complicates the situation. You don't need accusations that aren't true.

Do what your siblings tell you-get away. She is toxic. Your mother will be well cared for by her POA and the fact that she has ample assets will mean she will be comfortable.

You can't change who she is, you can only change your responses and actions to her by leaving.

It's hard to walk away. I left a relationship with my controlling alcoholic father for 10 years. It was on the advise of a therapist I was seeing. Best thing I ever did. He never quit drinking but I wasn't in an unhealthy relationship anymore.

I would go talk to a therapist for some counseling if you can. They help you see what a distructive mental grip these kind of manipulating parents have on us.

Good luck. Go live YOUR life. Mom will be OK.
Helpful Answer (6)

Dear Domenic,

I am sorry to hear about everything you are going through. I know you are trying to do the right thing. If the situation is too toxic, then you have to do what is right for your own peace of mind. I know it will be hard. If you can try talking with a social worker and see if there are other options.
Helpful Answer (4)

leave and let your parent sleep in the bed she has made just as your siblings have left

If she goes downhill, she does have a POA person to deal with it. Wash your hands of this. 
Helpful Answer (9)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter