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I posted about confronting my dad about his hidden plans to move, now he is really making arrangements, ie uhaul, place to stay, what he is taking, get boxes, etc. I have decided that if he is really as miserable as he claims then who am I to stop him. I want to be able to choose and have made the arrangements to be able to have my choices. He on the other hand expects everyone and anyone that he ever bought anything for or helped in any way, to now start paying back for what he did for them in the form of letting him move in to their home. If he is told that is not an option he goes on the attack. He asked my husband and myself if we would help him move to our city as he was getting a divorce and wanted to start over, okay, we will help. Brief history or maybe not: 20 years ago he got involved with a young woman, two kids, husband and decided that he would pursue a relationship there. She left her husband and he hooked her up as his mistress, house, cars, boats, horses, fancy vacations and and and...He eventually was found out and wife said choose. Yep, you guessed it the 30 years younger thing. He then alienated all of his friends and family, she was a master manipulator, could not take all if his money with others buzzing warnings. He willing went down that path, told me to never f****ng call him again. Fast forward, he is a 73 year old obese, unhealthy, incontinent, broke old man who has an aversion to a toothbrush. Awful. So of course she finds another victim and he is left with nothing. I could not but agree to help, I was an unwanted child and both of my parents made it a point to instill this knowledge in me as far back as I can remember, so I have a hard time saying no when someone is all alone, I think of the times when I so wished I had someone to help me, I by the way am a well adjusted, happily married woman and feel that I am strong because of what I faced, however the soft spot, stupid spot, whatever you want to call it about helping anyone who asks, with boundaries. So, unknown by us, he had planned to come live with us at our expense and pay the ex-wifes bills. I had made it very clear that we would help him in anyway possible as long as no money was going to help her in any way shape or form. She is younger than me and has her own children, I watched as she drained him of everything he ever had, so she gets nothing more from us. Over the years we have had to pay rent, buy him glasses and other things.
So, current day, we pick him up, move him to our city and 4 days later (He was sick and living in squalor) he ends up in the hospital and SNF for 60 days. During this time is when we found out about him paying her bills, stopped that. Because of his condition and the past relationship, AL was the obvious solution, I found one that has young people running it, he is still 18 in his head, he could self pay, they let him have his dog and all of his NEEDS would be met. Now he is leaving, going back to his previous town and saying We forced him to come here then abandoned him. OMG, I can not wrap my mind around the venomous hate directed at my husband and myself. Is this because of the dementia or just his personality or both? He is looking to me to haul him around, take him to lunch all the while telling everyone that will listen what a no good, lying F****ng b***h I am. His caregivers are telling me I have to take him back because he doesn't have the stamina or eyesight to get there safely and since I forced him to come it's only right. Not happening, he will die back there, no one to care or help, I can't help him commit suicide. Why do I feel crazy about this and is it wrong to want him to just leave me alone. He constantly tells me he is going to do what he wants, when he wants and how he wants. Okay?!?!? All I see are narcissistic behaviour and bad choices but, these are nothing new. I do love him, i just don't want to be treated poorly by anyone, much less by someone who obviously could care less about anyone but himself. Do i intervene or just wish him luck, he has made me feel unhinged with all of his nonsense. Any advise?

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How is he going to move if you do not help? Can he pack and drive a UHaul? If not, I would just let him make his plans and let him deal with the consequences.

Stop taking him out for lunch, if you visit him leave as soon as he makes a nasty comment. His caregivers are wrong, you do not have to take him anywhere. You arranged for a safe place for him to live. If he does not want to live there that is his problem not yours.
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It's not him that needs to change. It's you.

You need to decide whose life you are living your life for...him? or you? You are not his parent, even though he thinks he is 18 years old. You are not his parent. Its not your job, and he is not going to change.

But, you are causing harm to your family and to yourself, and you have to stop doing that.

When his wife found out he was seeing someone else, she demanded he make a choice.
Now YOU chose.

The problem with guilt and how you feel trapped, is that he is using the guilt you have acquired (for not taking care of yourself in the first place) against you.

This is the trap that you need to crawl out of, otherwise, he will pull you down with him.
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real - you have false guilt due to not meeting the (often unrealistic) expectations of others, not due to you having done anything wrong. If anything is wrong it is that you are still trying to fix your dad. You can't and you are right he is playing you as a violin. He is using FOG - fear, guilt and obligation to manipulate you. Definitely detach and emotionally distance yourself from him, and grieve what never was, and that he is nearing the end of his life. Make sure your own life is good and not stress filled because of him. He will try to suck you back in, but stay detached. 
Good luck!
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Your dad has made his choices, Let him live with the consequences. I know firsthand the hurt *family* can cause, and we still walk into the fray and try to make it all be ok.

You can't.

Let him go. I wouldn't lift a finger to help him. (B/c I get why you are what you are, I'm the same way, a "fixer" and most things can't BE fixed or the person with the problem doesn't WANT it fixed.)

Try to wrap your head around the fact that he can do as he pleases. Continuing to let him bash you, verbally, is just tacit acceptance of what he is--an abuser. You sit there and take it, and feel guilty b/c he's mad and unhappy. It's very convoluted, I have a similar situation with a brother. BUT, when he gets angry and out of control, I leave.

Does he have dementia or is he really just a Ba$$ta6d? Could just be his personality.

Anyway--let him go. Don't interact with him more than you have to and let him live his life the way he wants, healthy or no. Some people, they prefer to be trainwrecks, they really do. It's sick and wrong, but they still choose it.

And you'd be surprised how long people living in hoarded filth can live.
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SafetySarah, I have thought of that as well. He sits in his room or on the back patio almost all the time. Complains about other residents, the food they feed him even how they spend their paycheck.

MidKid58, I know all of those things and yet here i am. I am having a hard time not trying to help him. My husband told me that "I understand that you want him to have some peace and happiness in his last days but, maybe he is happiest when making others miserable and you need to move back from his reach."
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Isthisrealyreal, I am so glad you are feeling more confident about doing what is right for you and your husband.

I don't know your exact situation, of course, but many times adults who grew up in a dysfunctional family or a "broken" home want desperately to earn the approval and love of a parent they didn't get that from growing up. They persist even if it is clear that parent is not capable of providing that love or approval. Nothing gets fixed and the adult child is exploited and even more unhappy.

I'm glad you went to the heart doctor. Check those things out! But the kind of professional help that would do you the most good right now is a psychotherapist. You deserve support and help healing from the bruises of your upbringing.

Detach from Dad. See him less often. Detach a little more. Turn his finances totally back to him, and if he wants to pay the exwife, it is none of your business. Stop paying for things for him. His decisions, his money -- but not yours! Detach. This is not your problem to fix. You've done amazingly well to have a successful marriage yourself. You are obviously a strong, resilient person! Use that to your advantage.

Detach from Dad. Be grateful for the support and understanding you get from your husband.
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Do not enable him in his foolishness or abuse. His current caregivers may be working on your guilt because they would like to be free of him, too.
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Right on! I agree with your husband! :-)
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Heyyy BarbBrooklyn, my lifesaver!!!!
Hope you don't mind me saying this, I LOVE YOU!!! 😘
Yes, you got it all right except it wasn't APS... when he went to ER after he went back home, I asked for a social worker, pleaded and begged for help saying  I cannot be in charge of my dad anymore.   I did make it clear I wanted him to be safe, warm, and well fed but I was just not the one to do it anymore.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done... being so ran down and fed up with his bad choices while loving him in the craziness.    As I stood there talking with the social worker, I could feel all of you  invisibly standing with me supporting  as I was spitting out my words.  The FOG  was coming after me but I kicked it in the you know what!! The home health nurses got set up coming to check on him throughout the week...he didn't like it and eventually asked to go back to assisted living! Hallelujah, it was unbelievable!

I believe IsThisForReal is becoming stronger because of all you sweet, caring and knowledgeable people here. I am forever grateful, AND I am still learning and get strength here every day!! The sting in my heart doesn't hurt as much.

I keep re-reading all the replys here, I love them all 💗 and all of you!!
Going to see if I'm smart enough to copy all these!
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Isthis, Bella reminds me of a very important point. FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I think the most important service that gets provided here is that we  make it clear that is functional families, we consider our parents' needs AND our needs.

We have needs going forward (taking care of kids, ourselves, our retirement). Our parents are responsible for THEIR OWN NEEDS. WE are not responsible to pay their way, nor are we responsible to make up for their bad life choices.
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