I suspect my mom has always been suffering from depression/anxiety and is possibly bipolar. She is an alcoholic. She has been on Benzodiazepines for decades just to make it through life. I believe my dad helped keep her under control over the years. Well, dad ended up with dementia and I had to place him in a memory care home 2 years ago. Mom refused to take care of him and spent her days mostly drunk and passed out, so he started wandering, etc. and had to be moved out for safety's sake.
So, she lives down the street from me in their home, alone. BTW she's only 76 so not super-aged. We've been on a roller coaster of drinking, Benzo abuse and withdrawl, falls, multiple hospitalizations, 2 stays in a mental health center, etc. Right now she is hospitalized for the fourth time in 10 months because of falls & injuries from either drinking and/or prescription drug mis-management. Also, there have been regular suicide threats for years.
I am 51, work more than full time and am responsible for managing my dad's care because she refuses. I am also an only child. I suspect due to mom's basic physical health she will be in my life for at least another decade, possibly more.
For so many reasons, I cannot take her into my home, it would ruin my life. But I am stuck with her living 4 houses away from me. I don't know what on earth I am supposed to do with her in the upcoming years. She does not have dementia, she has money, she has a house & 2 cars, and persistently says she will commit suicide before considering assisted living or anything like that. She says she will "die in that house".
It's ruining my life. I can't properly live my life and I feel like my future is on hold indefinitely. If she lives as long as her mother did, I will be 70 when she dies. I can't handle this for the rest of my middle-aged years.
I guess I'm mostly venting, but if anyone else is dealing with a kook, rather than dementia, etc., I would love to know what & how you are doing.
My mother seems very similar to yours--the abuse of drugs, the suicide threats, the "look at me, give me, do for me" thing---daddy DID keep a big old bandaid on this for a long time.
Since he has passed, she is ours to deal with. Lives with younger brother, but begs me relentlessly to have her move in with me. NO WAY.
Add in that Narcissitic personality--ugh, you have someone you can barely stand to be with. Mother is kind of obsessed with all the men at the Sr Center "wanting her". It's kind of icky.
You can't change her, you can only set tight boundaries and stick with them. And roll your eyes a LOT.
And learn that "no" is a complete sentence.
How did our lives march up to this point? I have worked diligently all my life and kept my nose clean and my business to myself. I never ever brought drama to my parents since I've reached adulthood. I had life plans, but they are on hold. I am sure that is the case for many of us on this forum!
I was running myself ragged driving her and my head-injured brother to stores and doctors after she lost her license. They do say thank you but my mother has manipulated the whole family into her personal cult. My mother hides within this circle of yes-people who use and flatter her at their convenience but don't help.
After a couple of months of running them around I realized that I had given up myself--I had no medical or dental insurance, wasn't exercising or socializing and had no life plan. So I backed off before I ruin myself.
My deceased father was also a piece of work. Both have personality disorders and were terrible parents. Everything was about them and their dramas.
You could do some things for your mom but not answer every call. If she wants something she'll find a way to get it. If she wants to kill herself rather than go into assisted living, it wouldn't be the end of the world. It might be the beginning for you.
Self help books and you tube videos by Jerry Wise, Scott Bassett and Abdul Saad have helped me more than counseling, and they're free and can be done 24/7.
Many psychiatrists and counselors say that mean, crazy people often live long, long lives. Your mom could live well past 90. Mine is frail but will likely exceed 100.
Good point! I think they can do this because they are literally sucking out their enablers life force. Their primary scapegoats/servants *ahem* care givers are the ones that are losing their lives.
What so many dont' understand, and I too was like this for many years. is that your demanding, chaos loving, selfish, childish parents can likely live a very very long time off your efforts. They actually enjoy crisis as they are the center of attention. We adult children rush in to help thinking only of the crisis at hand and don't realize until it's too late that there will be a crisis every week, sometimes every day or few days for years on end.
And that a great deal of the crisis are easily avoidable or just plain spoiled
demands. But when these types of demands come on the heels of a real health crisis or even during, it's easy to lose sight of the distinction and you start trying to do it all.
Toxic people thrive on crisis, actually need crisis to feel alive, to feel excitement and to be the center of attention. Normal life is boring to them
too drab, too normal and not dramatic enough. Since they're too damned lazy to make this happen for themselves in a healthy way such as an interesting hobby, getting involved with some kind of volunteer work, creating a dynamic social circle, they settle for toxic drama instead.
If they can they will cut your life short with their demands to "enjoy" a long life filled with toxic drama.
This is not the way I grew up. I think my mom was probably always a mess but my dad kept it under wraps enough. I didn't detect trouble until I was about 20 when mom started being hospitalized for "panic attacks". That eventually led to an inability to basically deal with much of anything. That was in 1987. - I guess the year the "kook" was born, LOL. I probably sound heartless but my parents moved down the street from me in 2004 and have brought nothing but drama and misery to my life for the past 10 years. I can't continue to grind-down my life indefinitely for these two. They are NOT the people who raised my in the 60s and 70s. They are two kooks from outer space.
She wont TAKE anti anxiety meds her MD wants her to take as she is too vain to think she needs them. Some people here have suggested she is narcissist, but I always associated that with very "look at me", loud, aggressive people but she is very shy almost, etc. but people say there are overt narcissists and covert ones. She saves her aggressive said for being demanding and unappreciative of me.
Not much advice to add. You are right to not take her in, as I refused to do. With my mom I have also set up boundaries, in my case I will give her one day a week for me to do for her what she wants, and up to one more day a week for special situations. (she doesn't drive, so Dr. appts., social events she wants to attend). Sounds bad to have to put boundaries on a parent who did a lot for you growing up, but if you don't, they take full advantage of you. Some of her friends think I am mean for doing this, as they don't know the whole story, but others of her friends know how difficult she is and have expressed their sympathy for me in having to deal with her. She still calls me multiple times a day to dump all her anxieties out on me.
In addition to the boundaries, I just flat leave town for a week every couple of months (I do travel for work too, so get out now and then) but just need to be away so that she is forced to ask my brother who lives in town for help.
My longer term goal is to get her in senior living so the burden is off me, to a larger degree.
Anyway, we can only try to mitigate the hassle, there is no avoiding it so I very much feel for you.
Live your life.
She will only ruin your life if you let her. There are others (paid, through govt services, etc) that can take on some of this burden. Look for them. If your mom has money -she can pay for them.
Otherwise - you are right. You will be sucked in deeper and deeper.