Follow
Share

My birthday is tomorrow and my sister said she wanted to take me out to eat so I was really excited. I said yes and told her how nice it would be get away from our mom (who I care for and lives with me) as we haven't been getting along well lately. My sister than says 'oh I was thinking of taking her and her daughter (my niece) with but we can leave them home'. I said I needed some time away from our mom so we planned to leave them home. Today I messaged her to make sure we were still on and she asks if she can bring daughter with 'as she really wants to go out to eat'. I said if she comes we might as well bring mom with. So she's waiting for me tell her if they can come or not. My decision, of course. If I say no, I'm the a**hole, and if I say yes, it's basically going to be a chore to go. My niece is 11, talks constantly and needs to be the center of attention wherever she is, my mom takes ten minutes to walk fifty steps, will probably be in pain and I can't exactly vent about her when she's sitting right next to me.


I don't even want to go anymore, I'd rather the three of them went and brought me home the leftovers. I want to be around an adult I can talk to, my life is work, going to the grocery store, taking my dog for a walk, and being around my mom. I just feel like the wind is being knocked out of my sails, she already knew I didn't want them to come, she just wants me to say yes so she can knock out two birds with one stone. If the three of us go and leave my mom home, that will hurt her feelings. If I say I don't want to go, my sister will call me 'dramatic'. I'm hurt, sad, angry and alone.

I would get mom in sisters car and say I'll be home around 7, 8pm or whatever, hope you all enjoy your time together, I am going too.

It's your birthday you can cry if you want to, you can send mom with her other daughter and energizer granddaughter and go do something for you.

When you can't please everyone, please yourself on your birthday. I am completely selfish on my birthday and I tell everyone if they don't like it, tell someone who cares. That is the only day of the year that is mine and I am not going to let anyone ruin it for me. Do the same and don't put up with any bs about it.

🎊🎉🎂🎂🎉🎊HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, IF YOU HAVE TOO, HIT THEM WITH A SHOE🎉🎉🎊🎊🎉
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

I would find someone else to be your support. What your sister did falls under the category of being indifferent or worse manipulative. The question that comes to my mind is why are you so burnt out when your sister should be available to help your Mom as well?

Either way you need someone you can count on to be there to support you and help celebrate your life. As of right now your sister does not appear to be that
person.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to bettina
Report
bettina Jan 19, 2019
Forgot to add .... Happy Birthday!!! Hope you get to do something fun for
yourself tomorrow, even if it's just on your own. :)
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Happy Birthday!
When disappointed about the day, rename it your birthday month.
Go anywhere, get your own presents, spend time with good people.

Get yourself some chocolate.

Call in sick for the chaotic toxic non-birthday birthday party. (At the last minute).
You can rise above it.

Or, ask sister and neice to bring the entire party to you at home. Where Mom can be there. Then, excuse yourself early, go out and leave them to watch Mom.
(However, you can be a gracious receiver instead of a brat). I prefer the brat method. But it feels good to contemplate being bratty to let off steam, to know you have choices, but I never actually do it.

Go out any day of your birthday month.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report

Today is only one day out of 31 days of your birthday month.

So Happy Birthday!

From me and so many caregivers understanding just how it is, and wanting to acknowledge your feelings about your birthday.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report

It sounds like you have caregiver burnout. I agree that whatever you end up doing tomorrow, it's going to piss off somebody. You know, it's your birthday. Why don't you choose the option that makes you happiest?

Sounds like you could use a few more supportive adults in your life. Maybe you could look into a caregiver support group? People on this site will have good suggestions.

Happy Birthday!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to anonymous594015
Report
EmotionallyNumb Jan 20, 2019
It just makes me look like an ass now if I don't go but if I do, it'll be awkward. I need to make some decisions in my life.
(2)
Report
Happy Birthday!!!!!
I don’t really have any advice other than to say it sounds like you need & a deserve a break! On your birthday You should get to do what you want with whoever you want. I’ve got an 11 year old too so know I what you mean there. I leave her at home whenever possible because 11 is a difficult age.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to worriedinCali
Report

Your ideal way to spend your birthday simply really doesn't exist because of how your sister is behaving and her lack of concern for your needs. Perhaps you could fake illness and at some point celebrate yourself even if its by yourself because right now you are your own best friend. Being with someone else just for the sake of it when that is a person who does not have genuine feelings for your concerns is not really having quality time. I hope in time you find in life someone who will really be there for you. I hope you can celebrate yourself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Riverdale
Report

I guess you just can't be honest with your sister and tell her you just wanted a meal out with her and her alone so you can have an adult conversation. Maybe have cake afterwards with mom and niece.

While I am not my father's hands on caregiver I totally get what you are saying about how much work it is to include your mom in ANYTHING. We might make plans for a family dinner out and one of my kids suggest we take Grandpa. Except I am the one who has to go get him and bring him home. I am the one who has to take him to the bathroom and I am the one paying for his meal. Now that they are adults I have learned to speak up and ask for help. Having Grandpa over for a holiday...well then someone has to help bring him one way.

This birthday is a bust but afterwards have a heart to heart with your sister and tell her you need one on one time with just her to vent and recharge. I am sure she just doesn't get how hard it is.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lkdrymom
Report
EmotionallyNumb Jan 21, 2019
I did tell her that I was excited because it would just be her and I, without kids, husbands or my mom. But she already knew I wanted it to be just us then she asks again about bringing the kiddo. I suggested she take mom and the kiddo and leave me home, she didn't want to do that.
(0)
Report
Just want to say Happy Birthday. Hire a babysitter and do something for yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
EmotionallyNumb Jan 20, 2019
Thank you.
(0)
Report
If I didn't want to go, I just wouldn't.  Period. Why would you care whether anyone thought ill of you?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to rovana
Report

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter