Both late 70’s and didn’t know about senior homes till after they retired. Should we bother since it takes forever? I'm thinking of just getting a two bed apt and have them live with me. Yes they drive me crazy.

Do not
Do no

Have them move in. If they already drive you crazy it will be a DISASTER guaranteed!
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Reply to ZippyZee

Please research all the options available where you live: adult day care programs, assisted living, memory care facilities, senior housing, and home health agencies. Also talk with family, friends, members of your faith community... to see who is willing to help throughout the week. The goal is to help your loved ones get their needs met - and yours too.
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Reply to Taarna

Kimyashi: Your profile states that your mother, Young lives with you.
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Reply to Llamalover47

Very sweet of you to want to continue caring for them. You have received some great suggestion and thoughts here so this may be a bit of a re cap for you with perhaps some additional ideas thrown in.

It would NOT (yes, shouting) be a good idea to move them in with you. They will drive you crazy faster and their medical and physical needs will increase. You will be a tired burnt out caregiver, not a loving child. Trust me on that one.

Not sure where they are living now, what their finances are or what you define as a "senior home". If you mean 55+ communities, most do not have any type of medical assistance so it would seem they are already beyond that. If you are thinking of independent living (subsidized housing, section 8 etc for seniors) these have wait lists of 3-5 years and they may already be beyond that also but you can always get on the list - it may move faster than you think and you can always decline an offer. If the parents have cognitive issues, they may need assisted living (AL) or memory care (MC). If your father is in ICU now ( he may survive but may need continuing care for any cardiac related issues), the hospital will most likely want to discharge him to short term rehab/ skilled nursing. Grab it. They will give you a list of nearby facilities but not a lot of time to research so start looking at the facilities on your own now. Ideally, a facility should offer short term rehab ( for which Medicare (traditional) will pay for 20 days fully, provided the patient is willing to participate and is making progress; if there is a continuing need for rehab after that Medicare will only pay 80% for the next 80 days, as needed; your parents or their secondary insurance will have to pick up the balance) as well as Memory care and Long term care (Medicare will not pay for either of thes and you will need to apply for Medicaid). While you are looking at facilities for your Dad, also establish a relationship with your Local Office on Aging to get more resources on senior living options.

Most ALs and MCs do not accept Medicaid. If you find one that will....... get it in your written contract and make sure the Medicaid bed is quaranteed for a resident when it is needed.

Medicaid pays for 80% of the LTC and MC in the country but it is administered by each state slightly differently. Basically, they all take a 5 year look back to make sure that funds have not been given away to qualify for Medicaid; most have a $2000 limit to qualify for Medicaid. Be prepared to present up to 5 years worth of bank statements, mortgage/rent receipts, utility bills, birth certificates, marriage licenses, divorce papers..... you get the idea. Sometimes Birth certificates of our elders get misplaced or destroyed (records kept in the former country known as Yugoslavia disappeared when the country broke up) so that is why I am suggesting you start on this now as you may have to send for the records. When you find these documents make copies.... facilities and agencies can see the originals but they only get to keep copies and scan them into a private but accessbile site on the internet (you may want to scan your own important documents also); I have clients who learned that lesson from being marooned in Italy when the Costa Concordia sank with their passports in 40 feet of water.

Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRC) are the ultimate for convenience because they have all types of living options ( indedpendent, assisted living, memory care and long term care) on the same campus but......they generally require a pricey entry fee upfront and there is still the monthly rent fee for whatever accommodation in which you reside.

In all cases you want to check out the financial background of the facility you choose as well as their care standards. You can check out rehab facility ratings on

I wish you strength and peace on this journey. Please keep us updated.
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Reply to geddyupgo

Too bad you don't live in the area I am in, there is frequently openings in the senior living near me. The frequent conversation is who has died.
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Reply to Cover99

Get on the waitlist for a couple of senior living apartments; maybe by the time they really need it one will become available. In the meantime, consider getting them an apartment near you with handicapped accouterments (single level on ground level or with an elevator, wide doorways and halls, etc.) so it's easy for you to check on them and/or go over daily if needed.
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Reply to TNtechie

If they already drive you crazy from a distance, you do NOT want them to move in with you.

Do they need Assistance yet? Just b/c they are retired does not mean they have to move to a senior residential facility. What is wrong with where they live now? If they are asking for a lot of assistance, you can help them arrange hired help for their immediate needs. If an AL or a NH is going to be needed, begin researching options.

The wait won't get any shorter by procrastinating.

But, just to be clear, moving them in with definitely does NOT sound like a good idea!!!!
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Reply to RedVanAnnie

If they drive you crazy not living with them, how do you think it would be living together. I so believe that once you leave the nest, there is no going back. You have now had your own life experiences. You have your own way of looking at things, doing things. My DH once mentioned his Mom living with us. I told him then, two women cannot live together. Especially if one if them owns the home.

If you are talking about Assisted living be aware they and Memory care are private pay. ALs just what it says, the person needs some kind of assistance. Memory care they need to be monitored 24/7. There is independent living. Some have services but you pay extra for that.

If there is mental decline because of Dementia, then I would place them in an AL if they can afford it. Your profile says they live in ur home but your posts sounds like they live on their own. I would apply to the ALs now. People pass away, move to MC or to skilled nursing. In the meantime, if you think they would be safer in an apt then move them. If u want, see if you can move next to them. Then you can check in on them, but have your own space. Or just move them closer to you. If my Mom had moved to an apt, I was just up the road. And I wish I had talked her into moving to an apt.
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Reply to JoAnn29
Kimyashi Sep 26, 2021
Thank you… i will look into that. You all are so sweet for even responding.
I'm not quite sure what you mean by "snr homes." In the U.S. there is subsidized housing for low income seniors, and in some places there is an option for additional assistance when that becomes needed, i.e. start in independent living and then transition to assisted. It's worth getting on wait lists, because it's pretty common for people ahead of you on the list end up not taking the place because they need NH care, have found other options, etc. Do your parents already need assistance? Are they currently able to safely live independently, perhaps with a little extra help (e.g., housekeeper once a week, rides to dr., grocery delivery)? Does at least one parent still drive? DO NOT TAKE THIS ON YOURSELF BY HAVING YOUR PARENTS LIVE WITH YOU! Both you and they will be better off in the long run by having them remain in a separate household.
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Reply to newbiewife
Kimyashi Sep 26, 2021
Thank you… i will start looking tomorrow…
I agree with Cwillie -- taking care of 2 people with no break will almost certainly lead to burnout. Put them on waiting lists at several places. Will they be able to do private pay for AL? "Openings" come up all the time in NHs so the lists may move faster than you think. In the interim can they pay for hired in-home aids? Please do not attempt to do all the care yourself. This is a good time to assess if they have all their legal ducks in a row: assigned you as their DPoA, created an Advance Healthcare Directive, assigned you as their Medical Representative on their HIPAA forms (ask at their doctor's clinic); etc. They need to take you to their bank to be added as a joint account holder so you can more easily help them pay their bills and keep an eye out for inappropriate spending or even scams.

Everyone will require a legal advocate in order to have their medical and financial care managed. They may at some point require Medicaid -- I would take them to consult with a Medicaid Planner. But they should definitely see an estate planner and/or elder law attorney to get this all in place. It will be money well spent. If they refuse to do any of this, then they will need to accept the fact that the county will eventually become their guardian and the county will call all the shots -- shots that you and they will have no control over.
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Reply to Geaton777
Kimyashi Sep 26, 2021
I figure they wont live long and i dont want regrets but you’re right i need to keep my life… so sad
What kind of care do they need? Many people that age (actually mostly everyone I know) live independently well into their 80's and beyond.
If they both "drive you crazy" now then sharing a home should not be an option that even crosses your mind - you do realize that they could conceivably live for decades, right?
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to cwillie
bundleofjoy Sep 26, 2021
hugs cwillie!!

kimyashi, it’s very sweet of you to want them to live with you, help them.

you must not sacrifice your life. you must live a full life. be happy.

many people who do live with their elderly parents, warn how hard it is.

i don’t live with my LOs.

i visit…and even when i visit/help with millions of things, it’s verrrrry hard.

unfortunately i don’t have 2 sweet LOs.

i have a LO who treats me terribly. this increases the stress by 1,000,000,000%.

it’s very nice you want to help, kimyashi. just be careful. think of you, too.

we must live our lives. loving parents want that for us. they don’t want servants/slaves. they don’t want you to drown.
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