I am a woman that is married to another woman.
Father-in-law (87) is/has been in at home hospice since February this year. FIL has Vascular Dementia + Alzheimer's, he is bed-bound and incontinent etc. He must be turned every 2 hours (from 7 a.m. to 7p.m.) to prevent bedsores. MIL is his full time 24/7 caregiver. MIL’s helpers are Aunt D, my wife and myself, and 9 hours a week free help from the VA. I am so tired of doing this. MIL is not a nice person, but I have been able to tolerate her for all these years because I didn’t spend much time with her. In the last few years since all this began, I have found out just how mean she really is. I have also found out just how enabling the whole family is towards her. No one will tell her no. No one stands up to her. Everyone is doubly terrified of her now because she talks about how she wants to die, to die before her husband dies because she can’t take this! And now the 'enablers' all fear that if they/we insist on getting more outside help, as in paid help, she will drop dead of a heart attack and it'll be our fault for pushing her over the edge. Almost every time one of us goes over there to help MIL turn him, it turns into changing diapers, fixing the tv, fixing the phone, etc etc.... I told my wife I am not going over there 3 and 4 times a day anymore. I can't do this. I didn't put up with this behavior from my own Mother. Much anger and arguing ensued. I feel bad. So now it is just my wife and Aunt D. helping. I need advice, support, anything. I am at my wits' end.
Thank you all in advance.