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Requesting stories on how people chose themselves over their spouse when being involved with in-law care.

How did you stay true to you and your needs to protect your mental health when faced with a declining in law who needs your help but has been toxic the entire time you’ve been with your spouse?

This question is for people who have had little to no involvement in helping with their toxic in-laws or had involvement and have taken a step back.

Just curious to see if anyone else had mommy dearest ( no wire hangers!!!!) as a MIL!

Thinking about going no contact again because she continues to prove she is user and always has been

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Friends of mine found the phone starting to ring all hours, more & more demands. New decline.
Lack of insight.
Lack of problem soving.
Refusal to accept offers to help set up home help. Refusal to accept non-family help.

They moved interstate.

They could not provide on-call 24/7 service. The help they could provide was refused. No guilt.
Helpful Answer (1)

Why do so many people feel guilt over this or that with their parents? Is it a lack of self-esteem due to the way their parents brought them up? Did the parents always use guilt to control their kids? We aren’t born with guilt, but it’s amazing how so many go to the grave with guilt, especially those who have become caregivers for mom and dad.
Helpful Answer (0)

The answer with guilt is always to recognize your own physical and mental well being and limitations.
To understand that it is a kind of hubris to think you are god-like and have all the answers to another's aging process and needs. You didn't cause this and you can't fix this.
It is to recognize that you are not a felon being cruel for the fun of it; they never feel guilt at all.
It is to change out your wording because wording truly DOES matter. Instead of GUILT use the word GRIEF. Grief that you DON'T have the answers. Grief that you have limitations. Grief that others have expectations you cannot fulfill. Pure and simple grief.
My opinion only. I wish you the very best. Your stepping in will continue to lead others to the continued expectation that you DO choose to step in. It enables their stepping out.
Helpful Answer (4)

I simply refused to do anything shortlyafter being conscripted to spend nights with mil, with him in what used to be his childhood bedroom. It became nonnegotiable when mil chose to bring her super hyper allergenic cat back.

I said if he wanted to make his career living with her, that he might as well move his stuff to hers.

He got a job that was all plumbing commission. Lots of flex due to downtime. His parents caught on and began asking him to babysit them, meaning toileting them, among other things. That said, SO got so sick of the lack of income he finally quit.

He had job interviews within days. He ended up working at a real high end senior facility.

The mil requests have stopped, at least for now.
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