Respite for the first time- How do I do this so that she is not so upset?

Is there any way that you can let her stay in the house and YOU leave for 2 weeks to go somewhere, that way the change in environment won't be as upsetting? I know i am late in reading all of these, but it would seem easier for you to leave than to put her through the anxiety of new surroundings, etc. wishing you luck.

Imho, say nothing the day before the respite as there is no sense in causing premature anxiety. Best of luck.

GDAUGHTER BELOW SAID AND WORTH EMPHASIZING:
" . . . and you aren't going to be able to have a second of good time if you are worried and anxious....but you might just have to bite that bullet and go."

* During the pick-up process: I recommend that you smile a lot while (trying to / ) think about where you are going and what 'fun' / relaxation you will have. Thinking of the 'good' and necessary 'time out' for you while packing her up and smiling will be positive energy in the air. I believe, like dogs and cats, (and I'd say all or most animals), they pick up on feelings and intentions. And, YOUR intentions are for her benefit as well as for you to continue to be available to care for her.

* I would not explain anything as that is a red flag. And, she won't understand anyway. "Less is more." Smile, touch her (if she likes to be touched).

* Could you help her in the car, i.e., be there as if you are going with her? While she may freak out due to being moved regardless of why and where, stay as calm as you can. You are doing this for HER and YOU so YOU can keep providing the care SHE needs.

* As many have said, pat yourself on the back and 110% acknowledge the good you are doing for you - to keep going. So many here run on empty and wonder why or how they can continue to function.

* I would certainly give her meds (relaxation) during this transition.

* Would she listen to soothing music (head set?) or just in the room . . . perhaps a CD that could be played in her room and then played in the car - she may think she's in the same place w/the same music on - ? Or the radio.

Have a good time. Be present on your trip. If you start to fall into the guilt or worry pattern, quickly visualize your mom being well cared for - either bathed with soothing warm water or being given a gentle head or hand massage (anything that would be welcomed by her) . . . FOOD ?

*** Perhaps even a visit of a pet. Pets are excellent therapy. Actually, a cute little dog might be a good idea to have 'handy' (borrow a pet ?) to divert her attention during the moving process.

Gena / Touch Matters

Her mentality will never accept or have her understand anything you say - don't even try and do NOT feel guilty. You did NOTHING WRONG. Just be pleasant and distract the conversation and let her talk - you can't stop her mind from misfiring so just ignore it. Try to steer her into a different conversation or doing something. What else can you do? And YOU must put YOU first. She is gone and you are still here. Do NOT let her behaviors destroy YOU. You do NOT deserve that.

This reminds me of the first time we leave a baby with a sitter. We are anxious but know that it is only at the moment of separation that the fussing begins and when we are gone we get reports that they have settled down. If you know your mom will be well cared for and that you are doing the right thing for yourself AND FOR HER you should dispense with guilt. Again, analogous to leaving a child with a sitter, you are both so much happier at reunion and have so much more strength for caretaking which is why it is good for both of you.

The most important thing here is YOUR sanity. You are NOT doing anything wrong. If you feel you must explain this to Mom then do so. She has Alzheimer's and won't remember anyway. The home/facility you are using for this respite is well away of what her reactions most likely will be. So rely on them for all the assistance they offer. You are not alone, they do understand what is happening.

You seem to understand that this is a necessity for you and your husband. Then do this respite with the knowledge that you both will come back to taking care of Mom with a much better "heart". We love them beyond belief, that does not mean that we "like" their behavior or attitudes. Learning that all her ways are a reality to her, but do not seem so to you.

This is not easy, nor is it what you most likely would like things to be. Take care of you too. God Bless and Good Luck

Our own anxiety translates to theirs very very easily. The more anxious you are, the more anxious she will be; the same is true of our animals. So for you, deep breathes in to the count of 5 and expel the air through your mouth to the count of six.
Now on you your elder. You explain it whether she can absorb it or not. If she truly now can understand nothing at all, then tell her you have something to attend to and will be back for her, insinuating that it won't be long. However, if she has ANY memory at all, don't fib.
Don't expect this to be without grief or pain. Some things don't have a fix it. She may indeed react negatively. You already expect that. So let it happen and move on with you plan. You will be back stronger. I wish you the very best of luck, but you already know, in these circumstances most things don't have perfect "fix it" solutions.

If she doesn't understand anything, why say anything at all? It sounds like the problems that may present themselves will be the business of the people at the respite site. The hard part will be dropping her off when you know she doesn't get what's going on, but since you can't explain it to her ahead of time, you will have to trust that they will take care of her and go on your getaway with a clean conscience.

Maybe this is a stupid question. Is there a family member or someone else that you can trust to care of Mom at home while you get a respite vacation? It would probably less stressful for her and maybe more peace of mind for you.

Realize the severity of her illness. She doesn't understand what you say, so words are pointless. She will understand your caring manner every day.

Unfortunately, expect a meltdown when you take her to respite. She may feel you are abandoning her. Tell her that this is a vacation for both of you. OR, tell her you have to have a procedure and these folks will care for her while you recover. Talk with her doctor beforehand and get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. The medication will help her to relax with all the new changes.

Oh gosh...be so proud of yourself for getting this far...not only in taking care of HER, but now YOU. GOOD FOR YOU! Literally. As I see it, the only alternative is someone coming in and staying with her, and then there's a whole other set of problems to be concerned about. Are there any friends you might be able to arrange to say that so and so will stop by on a particular day, leave a calendar to show when you will be back so that she can X off each day until your celebrated return? I feel your pain....and you aren't going to be able to have a second of good time if you are worried and anxious....but you might just have to bite that bullet and go. Can you set up a camera or two to keep an eye on things....or keep in touch at a specific time via technology. I know when I abandoned ship a couple years back the place I went to was within 45 minutes...just a nice hotel in a park like are. It doesn't take much for us to get some respite sometimes....take care and good luck!

This is so difficult, but you need a break and recovery time. I liked the “fiblet” of telling her you have to go out of town and she is going to hotel with caregivers. My heart goes out to you.

Moves are very disturbing for people with dementia, so be prepared for difficulties and emotion. With my mother, who has advanced dementia and also cannot understand what is happening to her I found that it was best not to try to prepare her for something unpleasant in advance. Just do it as calmly as you can, and the morning that you will be taking her there, as you get her ready, tell her that she needs to go to a place where she will be safe and cared for while you have to go away for a short time. Ask the facility to contact you in case of emergency, and don't call her while you are taking your break. Try not to feel guilty. You also need to take care of yourself and your family.

Dad stayed in the VA facility a number of times for respite. We thought he would enjoy a break from us (Mom and I) too, a bunch of women fussing and hovering. The first time we discussed how he would get to spend time with other men instead of women and talk about their service. Because he had issues with speech that was not how it turned out. He didn't enjoy the experience as er had hoped but he wasn't unhappy.

For subsequent visits I told it like it was. I told him my husband was a great guy, supporting me while I cared for Dad, and I needed to take a little time with him. Dad actually seemed to get it and felt like he was doing something good.

Dad was in a wheelchair with dementia and each visit he was less "there" so he worried less.

The real struggle is managing your own mind. You have to be able to trust the respite facility and trust them to do their jobs. No one will care for your LO like you will. As long as they're safe and fed for the two weeks, you are doing the best you can for all concerned.

YOU are doing the RIGHT THING for YOUR WELFARE, but the price you will need to be ready to pay is knowing that no matter what you attempt to do, NOTHING will make the separation “easier”, and THAT’S OK.

You will have to tell her anyway and try to call her every day to tell her again or give her a week count down so she knows it's not forever.

Probably would have been better to hired help for two weeks at your own home so she could stay in a familiar place and ya'll go on vacation for 2 weeks.

I think you have to adjust your expectations, every change is upsetting for those with dementia and it is unrealistic to want this to be any different. Settling in to a facility is difficult for everyone involved because nobody knows each other and that includes the staff, so be completely upfront about any quirks and problems that may come up (and they likely will). The hardest part will be allowing yourself to step away from caregiver mode so you aren't micromanaging from afar, it's unlikely that anything life altering will happen in the space of two weeks.

Despite the anxious moments beforehand, nothing could dissuade me from locking in respite. "You need a break from me for a few weeks" is all I offered - no discussion - and it wasn't telling untruths as I was beginning to climb the walls!
For the first stay, I did yield a little by dropping by once a week for a brief walk and talk for his benefit and also to make sure he actually was coping/being well cared for - it put my mind at ease and also reassured my dad that he wasn't being abandoned.
Of course he was looked after perfectly well and seemed content with all the pampering.

Blame the Doctor? 🙃

Doctor says we all need a holiday. That's all. Only IF she asks where she will go, tell her a hotel.

On the day of the transfer, let's get in the car. Going somewhere new today. I'm sure the people will be nice..

Here is the hotel. Show her her room. Be upbeat. Hug goodbye with a Have a lovely time!

IF she asks, tell her you will be in a different hotel & will see her afterwards. If your face shows worry, she may pick it up & get confused or fearful (or worse). Look positive.

(You can cry in your car on your own later 😞). The 1st time will be the hardest.

Avoid any discussion prior to the day she will go there. That will only give her time to work up anxiety and make life miserable for all of you!

As for the reason why she will go there, whatever fib works best. You know your mom best, so go with something she would "buy", whether it is one of the suggestions posted or something else that might work for her.

My mother refused to let aides into her place so we had to move her. She refused to consider moving anywhere, but especially not AL, although that had been in her own plans prior to dementia. I had suggested brother mess with the thermostat he installed (NEST), which he could monitor and adjust via WiFi. It was winter, so make it colder, then too hot, etc and tell her the heating system was failing* and she'd have to stay elsewhere while it was fixed. Instead, he went with a medical excuse. She managed to bruise her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. He wrote a phony letter from 'Elder Services' at the hospital that treated her. In it, "they" said she either moves to a place we chose or they would place her. She was madder than a wet hen, but reluctantly went with my brothers (I did everything else, but stayed out of the actual move.)

So, if you can think of something that she might believe, go with that. Try not to over-stress yourself worrying about what might happen when you take her there. There's no way to really know or make it better. Those at the respite center do this and will know how to handle it. You might ask her doctor if she could take a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds, which might help (I would start them before the move, to see how it goes.) After you drop her, try to focus on your "time off." The benefit you get from the break won't happen if you just worry the whole time! She'll be in good hands. ENJOY THAT TIME OFF!!!

(*funny thing is the heating system actually DID die, several months later. thankful that it wasn't winter anymore, so it wouldn't cause problems.)

Lucille..good for you that you’re taking time for you and hubby! Just tell her you and hubby going on vacation…Is there a day to have lunch at the place with her & she can get familiar? Make it like it’s a vacation for her too…even though you’re going on a separate one. I agree with other comment not to tell her too much in advance…Enjoy your respite! Hugs 🤗

i also feel your concern. I have been taking care of my mom who has Alzheimer’s for 4 years now. She lives with me my husband and out 2 kids (12-14) She is in a similar stage as your mom. I desperately need a break and want to really spend time with my family without having one eye on mom as I do now 24/7. My worry is what will happen when we get back from 2 weeks trip? Does anyone have stories of how your loved one adapts after respite break? Do they take a step down? Or can they get back into routine at home.

Can you take her to visit the facility and have tea with a couple of residents a few times, so that when you take her for her period of respite the place and people are not strangers?
wouldn't try and explain how long you will be gone - depending on the stage of her dementia - as long as she knows you will be coming back then having tea and saying they will look after her you will be back soon MAY be a way to go. Unfortunately it may well be a bit trial and error. Good luck - make sure you get your break.

Leave telling her as late as you can, to reduce the time for complaints and arguments. Perhaps say that ‘There will be a surprise on Friday, and I hope it will turn out to be a nice surprise’. Then the morning of the move, just do it. The emergency repairs sound good - 'I'd hate for you to have to cope when all of that is going on. This will be much nicer for you'.

You can't reason with someone with Alzheimer's or dementia, so don't try. The best thing to do is to come up with a story that deflects the blame from you, so don't get into any discussions about your sanity or your marriage. Instead, tell her the house needs to be tented for termites, the pipes have to be replaced, or any other excuse that would indicate you both have to be out of the house for a period of time. It's out of your hands, it's emergency work that needs to be done -- say whatever you want to say, but don't make yourself the target for the blame.

I am also looking for a respite facility. I called 2 of the that ore on the hills/mountains nearby where they do rehab therapies as well. So I told mum I am thinking to take her there so she can do gym every day to improve her muscles after her fall so that she will be able to be more independent again.
Mum has no dementia but is starting to be confused and forget more and more often.

I don't have any great answers since I am also looking into respite care for my mom to get me a break.

One piece of advice I often see on these forums is to tell white lies if it saves your sanity and your marriage. So can you tell your mom that you need to visit a friend who is sick and you don't want mom to be sick ? Or something else your mom can understand. How about plumbing is broken in your house and needs to be fixed and everyone has to clear out?

Good luck.