Respite for the first time- How do I do this so that she is not so upset?

I don't have any great answers since I am also looking into respite care for my mom to get me a break.

One piece of advice I often see on these forums is to tell white lies if it saves your sanity and your marriage. So can you tell your mom that you need to visit a friend who is sick and you don't want mom to be sick ? Or something else your mom can understand. How about plumbing is broken in your house and needs to be fixed and everyone has to clear out?

Good luck.

You can't reason with someone with Alzheimer's or dementia, so don't try. The best thing to do is to come up with a story that deflects the blame from you, so don't get into any discussions about your sanity or your marriage. Instead, tell her the house needs to be tented for termites, the pipes have to be replaced, or any other excuse that would indicate you both have to be out of the house for a period of time. It's out of your hands, it's emergency work that needs to be done -- say whatever you want to say, but don't make yourself the target for the blame.

I am also looking for a respite facility. I called 2 of the that ore on the hills/mountains nearby where they do rehab therapies as well. So I told mum I am thinking to take her there so she can do gym every day to improve her muscles after her fall so that she will be able to be more independent again.
Mum has no dementia but is starting to be confused and forget more and more often.

Blame the Doctor? 🙃

Doctor says we all need a holiday. That's all. Only IF she asks where she will go, tell her a hotel.

On the day of the transfer, let's get in the car. Going somewhere new today. I'm sure the people will be nice..

Here is the hotel. Show her her room. Be upbeat. Hug goodbye with a Have a lovely time!

IF she asks, tell her you will be in a different hotel & will see her afterwards. If your face shows worry, she may pick it up & get confused or fearful (or worse). Look positive.

(You can cry in your car on your own later 😞). The 1st time will be the hardest.

i also feel your concern. I have been taking care of my mom who has Alzheimer’s for 4 years now. She lives with me my husband and out 2 kids (12-14) She is in a similar stage as your mom. I desperately need a break and want to really spend time with my family without having one eye on mom as I do now 24/7. My worry is what will happen when we get back from 2 weeks trip? Does anyone have stories of how your loved one adapts after respite break? Do they take a step down? Or can they get back into routine at home.

Avoid any discussion prior to the day she will go there. That will only give her time to work up anxiety and make life miserable for all of you!

As for the reason why she will go there, whatever fib works best. You know your mom best, so go with something she would "buy", whether it is one of the suggestions posted or something else that might work for her.

My mother refused to let aides into her place so we had to move her. She refused to consider moving anywhere, but especially not AL, although that had been in her own plans prior to dementia. I had suggested brother mess with the thermostat he installed (NEST), which he could monitor and adjust via WiFi. It was winter, so make it colder, then too hot, etc and tell her the heating system was failing* and she'd have to stay elsewhere while it was fixed. Instead, he went with a medical excuse. She managed to bruise her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. He wrote a phony letter from 'Elder Services' at the hospital that treated her. In it, "they" said she either moves to a place we chose or they would place her. She was madder than a wet hen, but reluctantly went with my brothers (I did everything else, but stayed out of the actual move.)

So, if you can think of something that she might believe, go with that. Try not to over-stress yourself worrying about what might happen when you take her there. There's no way to really know or make it better. Those at the respite center do this and will know how to handle it. You might ask her doctor if she could take a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds, which might help (I would start them before the move, to see how it goes.) After you drop her, try to focus on your "time off." The benefit you get from the break won't happen if you just worry the whole time! She'll be in good hands. ENJOY THAT TIME OFF!!!

(*funny thing is the heating system actually DID die, several months later. thankful that it wasn't winter anymore, so it wouldn't cause problems.)

Dad stayed in the VA facility a number of times for respite. We thought he would enjoy a break from us (Mom and I) too, a bunch of women fussing and hovering. The first time we discussed how he would get to spend time with other men instead of women and talk about their service. Because he had issues with speech that was not how it turned out. He didn't enjoy the experience as er had hoped but he wasn't unhappy.

For subsequent visits I told it like it was. I told him my husband was a great guy, supporting me while I cared for Dad, and I needed to take a little time with him. Dad actually seemed to get it and felt like he was doing something good.

Dad was in a wheelchair with dementia and each visit he was less "there" so he worried less.

The real struggle is managing your own mind. You have to be able to trust the respite facility and trust them to do their jobs. No one will care for your LO like you will. As long as they're safe and fed for the two weeks, you are doing the best you can for all concerned.

Despite the anxious moments beforehand, nothing could dissuade me from locking in respite. "You need a break from me for a few weeks" is all I offered - no discussion - and it wasn't telling untruths as I was beginning to climb the walls!
For the first stay, I did yield a little by dropping by once a week for a brief walk and talk for his benefit and also to make sure he actually was coping/being well cared for - it put my mind at ease and also reassured my dad that he wasn't being abandoned.
Of course he was looked after perfectly well and seemed content with all the pampering.

I think you have to adjust your expectations, every change is upsetting for those with dementia and it is unrealistic to want this to be any different. Settling in to a facility is difficult for everyone involved because nobody knows each other and that includes the staff, so be completely upfront about any quirks and problems that may come up (and they likely will). The hardest part will be allowing yourself to step away from caregiver mode so you aren't micromanaging from afar, it's unlikely that anything life altering will happen in the space of two weeks.

Moves are very disturbing for people with dementia, so be prepared for difficulties and emotion. With my mother, who has advanced dementia and also cannot understand what is happening to her I found that it was best not to try to prepare her for something unpleasant in advance. Just do it as calmly as you can, and the morning that you will be taking her there, as you get her ready, tell her that she needs to go to a place where she will be safe and cared for while you have to go away for a short time. Ask the facility to contact you in case of emergency, and don't call her while you are taking your break. Try not to feel guilty. You also need to take care of yourself and your family.