How do I regain control of my own life, while trying to care for and protect my Mom from my siblings? - AgingCare.com

How do I regain control of my own life, while trying to care for and protect my Mom from my siblings?

Follow
Share

I'm the youngest child of my parents by 9 and 7 years of 3 siblings. Our mother was physically abusive throughout our childhood. My siblings took her physical abuse and carried the damages into their adulthood. I fought back as soon as I was old enough - not always coming out on top, but she knew I was there and have sought therapy to deal with the abuse and be certain it did not carry on in my children's lives.. Now, my siblings are not only jealous of "the baby," but also the fact that I don't carry the garbage from my childhood as they do (and have handed down to their own children). Now Mom is 90 and has dementia. After caring for her and my Dad for the past several years with little assistance from either sibling, they have ingratiated themselves in her life now, knowing these are the final years of her life.. All of us have borrowed money from her, but I'm the only one that repaid the loan in full and have documentation to prove this. Now that Mom can no longer remember the money they owe her, they have no intention of paying her back. I was POA and Guardian for both parents until Dad passed in 2009 and Mom felt it more "fair" to name my sister and I Co-POA and Co-Guardian (our brother lives out of state). Every decision I make regarding Mom's care is challenged and each week I find something else they've done behind my back. Instead of taking the best care of Mom, their jealousy of me results in them making choices to sabotage the care I arrange for her. I've worked 24 years in the medical profession and know many physicians and can, therefore, arrange for Mom to have the best medical care. My siblings are not appreciative of this perk and are more determined to find a physician that I do not know, regardless of their lack of credentials. It feels as though they spend the weekend thinking up the next wave of drama they can insert into our lives. On top of Mom's progressing dementia, she feels guilty about her abuse during our childhood. They have been distant for many years until her dementia and they found out we will receive a nice inheritance when she passes. She is so happy to have them in her life now and, with the dementia as well, can be talked into almost anything they want. I don't know how to protect her from their selfishness and bring back some sanity in my own life. On Sunday evenings I begin dreading the week ahead and the drama they have planned for the next week. I need to honor the promise I made my Dad to care for Mom regardless of how hard or painful it became, but I now look forward to the time when I can remove these two from my life. When my Mom passes I will be burying my entire family and not just my Mom. In the meantime, how do I regain control of MY life and sanity? I feel like I'm whining, but until I found this site, there was no where to vent and share my story.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
3

Answers

Show:
im happy you sought help when you did and have now got on with life..it seems the others cant move on, part of it being they never went for help, part of it being jealous of you for having one.youre mum is happy with all the family around her, because of her age and illness,and of course the guilt she carries with her due to her being abusive. forget the others just focus on youre mum. you can walk with youre head up, money is nothing, it wont buy the others a happy life.you already have one..so glad you can forgive youre mum, its a pity the others cant.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you really want to pixelate your siblings, spend every last dime on getting her the best facility in the world, let her live like a Princess. I would.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Co-POA's is rarely a good idea as there are frequently competing interests however you are the hands-on caregiver and while it's unproductive to fight with someone over the care of someone else you are responsible for making the best decisions you can for your mom. Your sister being co-POA has nothing to do with Dr.'s and healthcare. It just means that she can attain information about your mom and sign papers on behalf of your mom if necessary.

This is about your mom and her care. Not about who borrowed how much or who hasn't paid it back. If your mom is happy having her children around despite the abuse of your childhood just let it go. If your siblings are circling like vultures what can you do about it? Let it go.

If they were exploiting your mom or financially abusing her you would have to call the authorities but if it's just family drama, let it go and don't get involved. Stay focused on what's best for your mom. If you have an appointment to see an eminent neurologist and your sister wants to see Joe Schmo, M.D. remember that you are the full-time caregiver. If your sister would like to take over the full-time caregiving duties maybe you two can discuss that but until then you are the caregiver.

As for the weekly drama, pick out what you need to deal with as it concerns your mom and leave the rest alone. You can actually make a decision to not engage in family drama. You've been in therapy, you have the tools to do this. As you stated, your siblings have carried that garbage into their adult lives but don't allow them to dump it on you.

I'm glad you found this site too. You'll get lots of support and encouragement.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions