I am 28 and my brother is 23. We both live with my mom, who is 57 and has stage 4 breast cancer. She is doing relatively well for right now, still works and drives. I plan on leaving next year to live with my boyfriend.
My mother favors my brother and we get along well when he's not home. When he is home, she is abusive towards me emotionally and calls me names. My brother has never helped in my mothers care. She almost died in the ICU twice and he was not there. She had emergency surgery and he left to go to Detroit-my boyfriend had to go sit in the hospital until I was able to leave work to be there. I go to her often 7 hour appointments. His girlfriend calls my mother the c... With cancer and calls me "fat Voldemort". He has a supplemental teaching position (gets paid a small amount of money at the end of the contract) but otherwise does not pay his own bills. My mom pays for his cellphone and car insurance and clothes/living expenses.
When I was working in a bank, I saw that my moms account (at the time my brother and I were on it) was having funds taken out by my brother that my mom didn't know about or authorize. She took his name off and left mine on but always threatens to remove it because "I hate my brother so much". Last week, I caught my brother trying to take money out of her purse when she was asleep twice. I took her purse and locked it in my room. When my mom found out she accused ME of stealing and said brother could never do that, even though I have proven he has before. I don't need to steal-I'm a teacher and my boyfriend has a phD.
Can someone please tell me what to do. My mothers health will decline and I know my brother will continue to take from her purse and maybe do worse. My uncle is my moms POA and I am her health POA and on her bank account. I know some may say not to leave but I will lose my sanity if I don't.

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This situation is very similar to mine. I wrote to AgingCare about 2 months ago and received similar advice. I too have brothers.. I am one among 3 brothers... AND I have a BF!!! I followed their advice and now I am WITH my BF in the Philippines 2 months later!!! Happy and free!
I suffered with my mother's indifference and her favoritism toward my pampered spoiled younger brother for 4 years! Don't make THAT same mistake I made. She will not change! "Favorites" are "favorites" and they can never do wrong even when your mother "sees it", she will deny it. Everyone has told you the truth here... get out and save all that anguish and disappointment... NOW! I am so glad I returned to my lover here.. I done everything I could to help her. My conscience is clear. There are none so blind as those who WILL NOT SEE!
Helpful Answer (14)

Your uncle has poa? Inform him what you've observed AND MOVE OUT.
Helpful Answer (12)

I too think you should go and start your life with your boyfriend.

You've tried to give your mom a heads-up when it comes to your brother. I assume you've been totally forthcoming with her about everything. She refuses to believe it. You've done all you can do. Before you move out try to sit down with her and have one more discussion, for your sake mainly, but then leave it at that.

Some might suggest calling the police but the police won't do anything, it'll be a he said/she said situation. And since your brother isn't your mom's caregiver and she's able to work and drive herself around calling Elder Abuse hotline isn't really appropriate either.

If someone told me that someone was stealing from me I'd make darn sure it was true. I'd check my accounts, keep track of my cash, etc. Apparently your mom trusts that your brother isn't doing anything wrong and you can't make her believe it if she doesn't want to. Unfortunately, her inability to believe it probably emboldens your brother more. She may learn the truth one day or she may not. You've done your responsibility by telling her. What she does with that information is now up to her.
Helpful Answer (11)

Move out.. Your mother is enabling your brother by choice.. Your brothers behavior is your mother's problem...

Take it from someone who lived with this situation... She has and will continue this money giving to her son until the day she dies..

This is an educated statement: your brother has some type of addiction. He needs to make his own decision about getting help... Your Mom knows about it but choices to enable him..This is why he is stealing from your Mom..

Move on and take care of yourself.. Build a life with your boyfriend...
Helpful Answer (9)

It seems you can't trust your mother..

I'm sorry this is happening but your mother is and can make her own choices... You need to make your own too. Which is put yourself first...
Helpful Answer (5)

Unfortunately, this situation doesn't seem to be unique. Since I joined the forum, I've seen a lot of posts similar to yours - parent favors one sibling over another and is verbally abusive to the sibling out of favor.

Out-of-favor sibling is reluctant to or doesn't have the mental strength to leave. That's not a criticism, just a fact. I suppose some in a psychiatric field would infer that the out-of-favor sibling still wants mom or dad's approval and can't leave.

Your mother won't change; your brother won't change. You can only control your behavior, and that's to take the advice of others and get out.

You will definitely be conflicted about leaving your mother, but remember that she's made her choices. And why would you even want to stay and tolerate the abuse? You can't change the situation; get out and make your own life.

Sit down and make a list of things that need to be done; enlist your BF's assistance and get it done and go.
Helpful Answer (5)

My Dad has been gone almost 3 years. I have taken care of my Mom 24/7. My 2 half brother's have taken money right and left. My own son, who is a drug addict, stole $20,000. My Mom had let him move in. I have my own home and pay all my bills. I have caught my 2 half brother's stealing and taking advantage of Mom in every way possible.(sickening). She seems to listen to the males, who are all troubled. I have had my son removed. She is 77. I finally put her in assisted living but one half brother continues. I have POA and have been physically harmed by my half brother, he has a serious temper, I have decided to move on. I am moving to Virginia , and told Mom if she wants to go fine otherwise she can stay. I have had enough dysfunction . I feel better making this decision. I would agree with the other's who say go on with your life....
Helpful Answer (5)

You have a few things going on here. I would reconsider leaving home with your mother with stage 4 cancer. Your brother is not a candidate to do the caregiving which is just over the horizon for your mother as stage 4 cancer does not improve sadly. The road your mother is traveling is downhill, all you don't know is how long and how fast.

Your brother needs to be the one exiting the home. I would see if your Uncle can reason with your mother to put him out. She will resent it if it comes from you, she may be more accepting from your Uncle. Stealing from mom's bank account or purse when his name was on the account would be difficult to prosecute but I agree it is the moves of a lowlife. Have the Uncle keep her funds safe as she will need home health aides, medical equipment for her use in the house if she wants to remain there.
I would not leave to be with the boyfriend. If he is marriageable and this is Mr. Right perhaps but you will be the caregiver for Mom even if you move out . Boyfriends (even husbands) want to be the center of your attention and you will not be giving enough attention etc. You really don't need another stressful situation at this point. You will find a mate after mom is sadly gone. I would date the man for now unless it is serious enough to marry him. Even with marriage, you will end up juggling a job, a husband and a mother sick with stage 4 cancer. You may end up losing your mother and getting a failed marriage under such stressful conditions. Try not to set yourself up for failure. You are still quite young, I know all your friends are marrying at 28 but many will be divorced by 35 so it goes in today's society.
Helpful Answer (5)

Clearly your brother is your mother's favorite & nothing is going to change that. Obsessing on your brother's behavior does nothing for you---if your mother cannot figure out that he is stealing money, not pulling his own weight, etc., it's her problem & not yours. It's her house & how she pays for it is her business, not yours. It's her money & how she spends it is her business, not yours. Take the money for the 1/3 house payment & get your own place, remove yourself from the daily madness. You cannot control what your mother does with her money---she must have known that your brother took money from her bank account because she gets the statements. If she doesn't know how much money she has in her wallet & your brother is taking cash, that's her problem. This has nothing to do with her cancer--this has to do with your brother's behavior & being enabled by your mother. Just make sure your mother has a health care proxy & a will with stage 4 breast cancer. Why is your uncle is POA & not one of her children? Your boyfriend didn't "have to" go sit in the hospital with her until you were able to get off work. You don't have to go to her 7 hour doctor appointments. You are choosing to do this. Stop trying to control the situation because you never will. Move out, pay for your own housing costs, utilities, food, car expenses, etc. & stop being jealous that your mother is paying for all of your brother's expenses. If she doesn't care that he is stealing from her & that she is paying for him to live, why should you? If she's left penniless & destitute, that's her problem, not yours. This is a control issue----YOUR control issue. If you can't deal with being exposed to this stuff all the time & it drives you crazy to see your brother being supported by your mother, remove yourself from the situation so you don't see it all the time. Focus your attention on other things in your own life instead of fixating on your brother & mother.
Helpful Answer (5)

Talk to your uncle. Apprise him of the situation, As her POA the next step will be his acting as your Mum's legal agent.

So sorry for this.
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