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This is kind of a 'when you keep on doing what you're always doing, you keep on getting what you're always getting'.

It's time to sit down with your husband (and get his son involved if willing to help point out the history) and tell him everything you said here. If he tries to argue or throw up roadblocks, just reply with 'that maybe, however'...and continue with your conversation. No arguing and don't engage with his roadblock comments...simply 'that may be, however'.

Give him your expectations that he needs to begin physical therapy and start getting out of the chair, you are no longer going to just watch him wither away if there is something he can do to be stronger. Explain that you will no longer stop what you are doing for a soda - it will need to be an emergency or some type of urgent issue for you to return to the room. Talk to his dr in advance and ask if physical therapy can be ordered as in-home care or possibly a rehab facility to get him up and moving again - this way you can offer this during the conversation of something to help him get up and exercising. Even if dr won't order it, it would be worth the $ to ask for a private pay physical therapist to come in and get him going on exercises he can do and come back periodically to increase the activities. Lay it all out of the table for him and let him know the decision is his to do more for himself or you will help him find a facility appropriate for his care because you cannot physically take care of his every whim when there are certain things he can do for himself.

Maybe a little forced motivation will help him.
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So your husband was left alone for 2 weeks and survived. He is using you and you are the only one that can say no.

If you step and fetch, if you drop what you are doing at his call then you are the only one that can stop this. Make him wait for his coke.

I would also encourage you to ask his doctor for some antidepressants. Heart procedures can cause depression and it needs to be treated. Maybe getting him in a position to feel better will get him to want to participate in life.

Good luck, this is a tough situation to get out of after so much time.

Get ear plugs, maybe use them during the day when you are busy and don't want to be pulled off what you are doing, then you could honestly say you didn't hear him, no need to say because you had ear plugs in.
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Kickingranny Dec 2019
Thank you ;)) I do have ear plugs & he’s been on antidepressants for a few years. I just ignore him these last couple of months. It’s working out!! : )
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My story is way too long to go into but I will say I took care of my mom who passed from dementia and my sweet dad who just passed away in May for almost 10 years. Sister passed away 6 years ago but had health issues of her own and could not help. Our grown divorced son lives with us and our grandsons are here 3 1/2 days a week. I am a huge believer and my faith has kept me going however that doesn’t keep you from being Angry or having Resentment. When I was younger I had a wonderful fantasy of what retirement would look like. Yeah...not so much for me. Although my husband helped as much as he could while traveling and working long hours, after he retired a few years ago he thinks retirement is heaven on earth playing golf almost everyday. He did help with dad whenever I just couldn’t (or wouldn’t)for that day. All this being said, however as sweet as my dad was, it was so hard the older and weaker he got to do things for him. It was constant and I didn’t even live with him (but I did for 6 mos after his heart attack and surgery). I was always snapping and mad at my husband because HE got to do fun things and got the easy part of just taking my dad to breakfast or lunch. If your husband has been like this for 50 years that means he’s been enabled by whoever and he will keep doing it as long as YOU keep on helping him. My health when downhill from 10 years of stress and anxiety. Hope most it comes back. Getting ready to turn 68 next week. It’s been 3 mos. since dad passed. I still jump when the phone rings. Please know that this is a great place to gripe, complain and get great advice from. Don’t know what I would have done without this site. Be strong and stand up to his demands. He either gets his own coke or goes without. NO ONE should be used like that. But it will keep on and get worse if not stopped. Good Luck and may God continue to watch over you. PS.....Get up and go to church on Sunday. I can guarantee there are people there that have gone through or going through the same thing and need YOU.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
👏 bravo...pargirl
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Hi KickingGranny,

I'm a Christian and occasionally (weekly!!), I say or do things that are really mean and spiteful to my ill husband. He diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in 2013. I am lucky he is still here with me, in that he is physically still here, but mentally, verbally and physically he's been in a steady decline. It's so hard to watch and sometimes I feel guilty for being angry with his lack of interest in anything, but his diagnosis was death within weeks in 2013. What a great example I am to my sons (NOT), and yet, honoring our spouse is the REAL example we're setting and I think it means alot. Cry out to God about your feelings, your pain and with His help, create some healthy boundaries that make you less of a doormat.

{{HUGS}}
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
Amen2that! Kimberlyn
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My heavens, I am so sorry what you are going through. You ARE a Christian and YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. How on earth would you not be angry and bitter and frustrated what life has given you. You are perfectly normal and justified in being upset. If anyone tells you they are not of that state of mind, they are either lying or stupid. You have every right to feel as you do. I will tell you this honestly and I pray you listen to what I am telling you. When someone that you are trying to help and who needs your caretaking does things that are abusive, manipulative, selfish, or otherwise harm you in living your own personal life, then you must immediately stop yourself from being there for them. These people do NOT deserve your help and will never appreciate it. Eventually their actions will destroy you and you do not deserve that. Immediately put a stop to what he is doing and how he is behaving. I doubt you can but give it one last try. If not, you must, must, must find ways to place him away from you so that you can live your life and not suffer because of him. You do not deserve this from him and your body and soul can't handle it. Put an end to it. No one can help you but YOU.
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Eh, you feel what you feel; there are no “shoulds” about it. You’re understandably frustrated by your husband’s behavior, I think.

If church was a good social experience for you, go one day this week. It doesn’t sound as if he’s in any danger being left alone for a couple of hours. It might do you good, and online support is a poor substitute for being in the same room with your fellow human beings.
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
Great advice! DizzyB:)
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You absolutely need time for yourself. get up early and read your Bible, go back to church. You need to set limits with your husband. Take some time, pick an hour during the day for you. Tell him you will not be available for that hour. You will be surprised how much better you will feel with a little time to yourself. You do not have to jump whenever your husband wants something. Be kind to yourself and ask God for help. I am sure you know how powerful prayer is. Check and see if your church has a volunteer service to sit with your husband for an hour or two. I hope and pray you take some time for yourself. Wishing you special blessings. Hugs to you!
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Boundaries honey! There is nothing wrong with saying "I'll get you that Coke in 10 minutes when I'm done with what I'm doing", there's nothing unchristian about that!
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Dear lady, you need respite badly and you need it now, else you'll be good to no one.
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Make time for yourself . Step outside, even if he yells, just do it. Read a book, your bible, something , and go back to church . ASAP. Look into respite care, a CNA, someone that help you with your husband. You can't do it all on your own . Talk to his doctor, a social worker, about your situation as soon as possible . He will burn you out, if you don't get a break. Seek out help NOW .
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Agree that telling the story to our family is sometimes useless.
So sorry Kickingranny, for your suffering & frustration.
Please devise a plan 4 urself, make a few small changes at first, (to get out of this rut)!
Dont discuss ur ideas with hubby cuz that will discourage you.
Just go shopping or for a walk in a park, or maybe to a movie.
Husb can tolerate u being gone for 2-3 hrs can't he? Also agree that church wud be a great start! God bless.
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Kickingranny;

There is nothing sadder than someone who plays the sad poor-me card and milks everyone for help.

The two things that stand out to me in your post and comments:

1) "After talking in length to my stepson I found this is not new for my husband. He’s been acting like this for 50 years! Every time he’d get injured or sick he played the “poor me” card & milked it as long as he could!"

2) "...I got back home I found out nobody came to help."

Okay. So, from #1 you found out this is who he is and has been. Accepting that is one thing. Feeding it is another. NOT feeding it wouldn't be unchristian, at least not for me. 

You can still love someone without bowing to their every demand! It might take time to "untrain" yourself, but when he says jump, you should not immediately be asking 'how high.' More like replying 'Say what?' Unless it was a dire emergency, I wouldn't do whatever it is he is asking/demanding unless you happen to be going anywhere near he is sitting like a lump (but ensure it is NOT immediately - make him wait!) Even then I might "forget" to do/bring whatever when I happened to wander over to where he was and just say oops, forgot you asked for that if he asks again.

#2 - The fact that he 'survived' TWO weeks with no one looking after him, it sounds like he is more than capable.

I would go about my own day and let him fend for himself. He is NOT an invalid. Go for a walk every day. Enjoy the world. Find another church that you like and go, maybe even multiple times/week (and wear those jeans and T-shirts, you are not there to get rated!) Volunteer somewhere, join a gym (maybe free if you have a Medicare Advantage plan), or go places where you can meet others/participate in activities.

MAKE a life for yourself and let him learn that you are not his servant OR slave (at this point it sounds more like a slave.) Get yourself OUT of the house so he can't demand anything from you, you won't be tempted to capitulate and he can figure out he will have to either go hungry/thirsty for a while or do for himself. This is more than just enabling!

It isn't easy to undo a lifetime of learning to care for and help others when they need it, but when people take advantage of that help, it is time to put a stop to it. It may sound cruel, but if he managed to get through those two weeks without you or anyone "helping", he can learn to get his ass up and get whatever it is he wants/needs himself. You are not doing him or yourself any favors by 'catering' to his every demand.
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Dear Kickingranny - As a Christian, I can totally relate to you. We are called to be followers of Christ, so let's look at His example for us. John 5:6 tells us that when Jesus was talking to the invalid at the pool of Bethesda, He asked the man, "Do you want to get well?" The man had been laying there for 38 years - and as one Bible teacher said, in 38 years he couldn't roll himself to the edge of the pool?! Sounds like a lump to me! What I've learned is, we are called to help others with what they CANNOT do, not what they WILL NOT do! Also, your feelings are not sinful, it's what we do with them. God in His mercy knows we are human - not robots! 1 John 3:20 says "If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything". I pray you will get back to church, your Bible and prayer time. Your husband might get mad at first, but he'll get over it - he's not your god. Also, check your state's Family Caregiver Support program. There are no income restrictions for that where I live. God's blessings!
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There are people that would give anything to have one more day.  From what you have said, he is choosing to spend what time he has on this earth sitting in that chair.  I would flat out tell him..."I am sorry that this is what you have chosen to do with your life, but it's not my choice.  I am going to make the most of this life God gave me and I hope you find the strength and fortitude to join me...otherwise, I will see you when I get back from Church or the store or my friends house or my walk or whatever".  He will get the message that you're over it and his "free ride" of you waiting on him hand and foot is over.
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Kickingranny......please keep us updated. We care!
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Just read a lot of posts including one of yours that says he's abusive. He's a large man and you are petite. Also that God doesn't like divorce. No.....he doesn't if a couple is just going to give up because they want to. Yes, for better or for worse. In sickness and in health. NOT in self centeredness and Abusive behavior. God himself does not want you to stay were you are being abused, physically or mentally. This will only escalate as he/you both get older. There isn't one church that is perfect. All have flaws even the Mega Churches. We don't know what happened when people called your husband. Was he ugly on the first call? Did you talk to the pastor to see what happened when you were gone and he only called once? Probably doesn't matter. The fact is your husband survived those 2 weeks. Don't let one church ruin what God can and will do if continued prayers are lifted up. You are 45 min to an hour away from any town on set income. Maybe it's time to consider moving closer where there are more options for help. Even if he fights you on this, it's time to make a move.....literally and physically. Good Luck and God Bless you
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jacobsonbob Sep 2019
"even" the Mega Churches?? :-)
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Have you talked to the pastor to see what happened when you were gone and he only called once? It doesn't sound like you have forgiven the pastor. Whatever the reason you saw that your spouse didn't need the help that he is requiring of you. It's up to you to give yourself freedom. You need courage. May God give you the courage to take back your life and say "NO".
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You should feel this way, it's natural. See if you can get a divorce. Then he can get his own help. He's emotionally abusing you. Get time to yourself. Do an activity by yourself even if it's watching TV alone. Stop feeling guilty for wanting some time away from him. Call your so-called church and ask for 1 or 2 people to visit you and be social with you. Stop expecting yourself to be perfect just because of some religion or other. Emotions are legit, it's what you do with them.
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Choppy Sep 2019
actually that's really bad advice.. Stick to loving your cats... sorry to say.
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I am not a religious person but I do know that Jesus is supposed to have kicked *ss when the moneychangers set up in the Temple. He got angry and He didn't take abuse or nonsense. Neither should you.

Abusers isolate their victims, wear them down and use whatever they can to emotionally blackmail and browbeat them. It can be money, religion or anything. Perhaps your husband is using your beliefs to abuse you. You haven't been to church in 18 months. That's isolation. I suggest you start going to church once a week and leave your husband to fend for himself during that time. Try to build a support network for yourself in the church community (your husband may not want this).

It sounds like he isn't as helpless as he wants you to think he is. Remember God helps those who help themselves - your husband should help himself get up and get around. Also you - help yourself to get back to church and into a community.

Religious belief is supposed to be a support, not a guilt trip trapping you into enduring abusive behaviour. There is a time when you should no longer turn the other cheek. You are not a punchbag or a slave - oh, didn't God lead people OUT of slavery in the bible?
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2019
Sorry elle, scripture says God helps those that can not help themselves.

This man treating his wife poorly has nothing to do with God, it is not scriptural in the least, he needs to MAN up and treat his wife like a queen, that is scriptural.
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I would leave him. If he won’t get up and do anything, let him go to a nursing home. My brother-in-law is 82, has had a quadruple bypass and two brain surgeries and after each one he was up and going after two weeks. They have gone on vacation three weeks last month, driving to different states. He does all the grocery shopping and cooking too. Your husband is a miserable person. Also, when your busy, don’t answer him unless he is dying.
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Seems to me that OP has not posted replies since September.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2019
Posted reply to Elle1970, same day as your post! Sounds like she's made some progress!
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Kickingranny said "He is giving me more room! I still get irritated at him, & I yell (frequently) but things are calming down!" AWESOME!!! Stand your ground. Certainly it is good to help others, but not when they just take advantage of it. He survived the two weeks you were gone, so clearly he CAN do more than he was doing. Do the things you WANT to do for him, and require he get off his duff and do more. If you're getting a drink or snack for yourself, you can offer something to him before he barks orders. If he says no, fine - he can wait until you feel like doing it later OR better yet get it himself. He demands at a different time, you just state I offered it half an hour ago and you didn't want anything, then walk away. Take a good walk outside with your poochies - this will help burn off the rising anger and is good for you and them!

If possible, hold the yelling. I understand the frustration which leads to this, but when you start feeling frustrated, walk away before it degrades into yelling. Just doing that when he demands something will eventually get the point across without raising your BP and anger! I used to vent my frustration with brothers (alone in my own home), and finally realized that NONE of this impacts them, only me. In my case, I spewed everything into emails intended for each one, but never sent them (it would be pointless, as they don't get it!)
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