Parent is burden for only child. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Parent is burden for only child. Any advice?

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I placed my mom in a residential care home 1 year ago. My mom went into the hosp sept 2013 after taking pain pills she found on the Internet for 6 months. Due to the kind of work I do she hid them from me and when I found them they turned out to be muscle relaxers and steroids. She stopped taking them cold turkey and passed out she went down on the couch and has never stood since. She was in the hospital where she manipulated the staff for 3 months and then they kicked her out and I found a care home. It took 6 months in the care home to adjust her behavior with various drugs. She was combative, wouldn't cooperate, spit her meds out, throw her food, slap my face when i got too close.
I was hoping she would learn to walk again w help of home health i hired a physical therapist but she was always so uncooperative she wasted her chance to learn to walk. In the hospital she never got out of bed so now she is 100% inconentent. And now she is suffering from sundowners and dementia. What do I do? I have no siblings, no relatives, I am at a loss. I am still paying all my mothers bills. Keeping her house running a year now as if she will come home. How long do I keep this up. I'm exhausted. I work full time I have taken her dog and I have 3 cats of my own so my house is full. What about her car? What do I do with that? I have power if attorney. Financial, and medical. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm afraid if I sell her house and the care home kicks my mom out I will need somewhere to send her because I don't want her to live with me. I'm sure that sounds bad but long story short my mom sent me away when I was 8 to live with strangers until I was 17 years old and she never once visited or called. I'm doing what I feel I have to cus everyone else in her life has turned their back.

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Make an appointment with an attorney. Now. If you decide to liquidate the home and contents, hire an auctioneer. They will charge a flat rate or a percentage of the sale. They will do all the work. Just stand back and watch. Bring a lawn chair. You can even auction the home. But first, talk to an attorney
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You say, "I'm doing what I feel I have to cus everyone else in her life has turned their back." I understand the feeling of obligation, but in reality, you know, you do not HAVE to anything. Not one thing. You don't have to handle her finances or sell her house or worry what would happen if she gets kicked out. You really DO NOT HAVE to do these things. You know all those other people who turned their backs on her? Well, you can, too.

Now, maybe you want to do some of these things. Maybe they will make you feel good about yourself. Maybe they will help you avoid some feelings of guilt. But keep firmly in mind that you have a CHOICE. If you choose to be noble at least give yourself credit for it! If you have to back away from some or all of these care issues to save your own sanity, know that you have that choice.

Make an appointment with an attorney who specializes in Elder Law. Bring in Mom's financial information. Go in with a list of questions. Ask what will happen if you withdraw as POA. Will the state appoint a guardian? If you decide to do the sale of the home yourself, can you be compensated for all the effort it takes?

Find out exactly what your options are. Then decide how much, if anything, you are willing to be responsible for. Let the rest go with a clear conscience.
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I would echo what 'pamzi' says - save yourself. Do only what you have to do and have the energy for and don't feel bad or guilty for not being able to save her from herself - It is not your job and most likely not something a full time team could do. Now that I've said that, I have to confess - I too am caring (long distance) for my mother who has no other family or friends to step in and I too am on my own in this. Some days she is sweet and small and scared and I feel so bad for her, but most - I am reminded of the horribly selfish person she's been most of her life and the alcoholic 'stay at home' mom who did no one (herself included) any favors.
...My long winded pint being, I know first hand how it feels to consider the idea that I may have to walk away at some point and let the state and/or social workers handle her.
Just keep in mind - you can't live two lives forever. It's simply not sustainable. Do what you can/have to do, but only up to the point that it works so you still have yourself, your life, your health - then turn it over to others. Her life may not be ideal or even comfortable at times, but that will have to be what it is - you can't both drown.
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Just do the next right thing. The next right thing is to give the attorney her bank balance OR find another attorney. He may want to know because he'd advise you differently if he didn't think mom was ever going to be on Medicaid. (She will. So it's immaterial, in my opinion.)

I'd say another reason he isn't giving advice is because you haven't set up an appointment, and he's not about to give free advice. (Just my thought...the only thing an attorney has to sell is his expertise.)

I'm so glad you haven't paid for her care. OMG. And, I can imagine how over-whelmed you are. If he dies, a worry you indicate you have, then, when she runs out of money? Medicaid will take over. Doesn't sound like there's anything to "save," so you'll just be spending it until it gets close to gone . . . then talking to an admissions coordinator at a nursing home that takes Medicaid and figuring out how to get her admitted and into the Medicaid system. (They'll help you with that.)

Clean out her mobile home. Have a massive garage sale. Put the money in the bank for her. Spend $1000 getting it ready for sale . . . replace the carpeting, clean it up . . . list it with a Realtor and let 'er rip. You're not trying to do it the CHEAPEST way, you're trying to do it the easiest way . . . you're entitled to that. You're overwhelmed.

Keep posting here as it goes along. Lots of helpful advice available. I wish you well. I really do think I know how you must feel. It is most certainly scary and overhwhelming.
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Thanks Maggie. A care home is a residential care home. House w 6 bed full of crazy old people. I live in calif and I have NO ONE. My mother has a large enough income to pay the 4 k for her care and I am still paying her space rent and utilities for her mobile home and trying to keep up the yard. I'm exhausted. I have not paid out of my pocket for her care. Everything comes from the ex husband who wants nothing to do with her of course. I am I the middle of a nightmare and I'm so lost. Attorney wants to know her bank balance before giving advice. Why? Everyone's first question is always how much money does she have. Less than 10 k. The only reason I can pay for her care out of her I come is because her ex is paying alamony and she get his pension and soc security. If he dies what do I do with her. She has a triple wide mobile home stuffed with items. What is the best way to liquidate? I will be doing everything alone, it's just the way it is for me. I hate doing all this so much I get paralized.
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Sell her house. Sell the car. Put the money into an account for her future care. She doesnt have to come home to you and she cant live by herself. If she gets kicked out.. let the SW for the county handle her placement. You will pay out of the money you put in her account until it runs out. Then aid should be able to take over. Tough love it is!! Save your sanity
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Wow. What a mess. Hopefully you have some other family who can give you some support. I'm an only. My cousin and I are very close. She's been a Godsend. But we do what we must, right?

I don't know what a "care home" is. Do you live in the United States? I'm thinking maybe you don't, but I'm going to answer as if you do.

Who's paying for the care home right now? If it's you, you've got to get out from under that. She needs to use her own assets to pay for her own care. I'd hook up with the Admissions Coordinator at the nursing home and ask for some guidance.

Here in the states, they could NEVER release (kick out) your mom to live by herself. That won't happen. If you don't step up? They'll figure something else out. From how you've described mom, she needs 24/7 supervision. You're working. You can't do it. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can. You will be in the midst of a horrible nightmare.

Talk to an attorney. It'll cost a few hundred dollars. Find out, with her power of attorney, what you need to do to sell her home and car. And sell them. I hope you've kept careful record of the money you've spent on her home. See if you can reconstruct that in case you want to be paid back from the proceeds. If she runs OUT of her own money in her lifetime, she'll be eligible for Medicaid. Without careful record keeping on expenses for her home, Medicaid will frown on you paying yourself back.

Liquidate. Just liquidate. Put the money in a checking account and use it to pay your mom's expenses. If you feel more comfortable, talk to her doctor for a prognosis. If she's never going to walk again, she's never going to be able to live alone.
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