How do you cope with the pain of separating parents in memory care?

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The time has finally come to where we are having to separate our parents who will be married 66 years in a couple months. They are currently in memory care but my mom hinders my dad from getting the care he needs. From downsizing to living next door to me to rehab and geriatric psych unit to memory care and now having to put my dad in a nursing home and my mom in a memory care facility, this has been a traumatic year for me. I feel so numb and sometimes wonder is something wrong with me because I can’t feel anymore. Now in a month or less I have the responsibility of moving them again, but to separate facilities. Sometimes it’s just overwhelming and so depressing. I can’t even imagine having to leave them alone and separate from each other but we are being told this is what we have to do. How do you cope with this part of the journey?

Answers 1 to 10 of 16
I am bumping ur post. Hopefully someone else is in the same position.
Top Answer
It sounds like you really have been through a lot. I'd take comfort in knowing that if your mom is impeding the care your dad needs, then they can't stay together. Also, I'd take comfort in knowing that you are helping your dad be able to get rest. Being in the company of a person with dementia, can be draining and quite stressful. Dad may not admit that, but, he probably is relieved that he can get needed rest, not matter how did or enduring the love.  And, if your mom were thinking clearly, she would agree. If she did not have dementia, she would not want anything to prevent dad from getting proper care. So, we have to do what is best, even though, it's not what we had planned.

It's good that you are reaching out and getting support. Do you have family members to help you?
I have a brother but he’s out of state. My husband is very supportive but this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I know deep down it’s for the best but it doesn’t help with the guilt of not being able to take care of them myself. We have been told they cannot come back home.
My heart is so heavy for you right now. I presume you've looked into moving Mom with Dad too? I only took care of Dad and went thru various stages and moves with him; I can only imagine how much harder this is for you. I'll def be in prayer for you. I coped thru my journey with Dad bc of my faith and my supportive husband and adult daughters. Even my young grandchildren were a help -- they loved to go see 'Big Papaw' with me, and he loved to see them.
I've wondered about this sort of thing. My parents were in separate rooms in a nursing home until we were able to get them a room together. I wonder about the quality of life aspect--that is, is it more important for a couple to be together even if one spouse is not in the most appropriate place or is their companionship secondary to their "assessed needs"? This may have implications for quality vs quantity of life. Can a couple having different needs be in the same room, or can't the bureaucracy of the eldercare system accommodate that? I'm single, but I've thought if I had a wife I'd rather spend a short life with her than a longer life separated.
If one spouse interferes and prevents the other spouse from getting care, I can't imagine that they would be housed together. Plus, the medical orders matter. If doctor says dad needs nursing home and mother needs Memory Care, I'd consider the reasons for this. Sometimes, these types of facilities are contained on the same campus, but, there may not be one that is available.

If I were a hindrance to my husband's care, I'd hope that my adult children saw to it that he was protected and well cared for.
I feel so sad for you. My father in law that I have cared for in my home for going into my 11th year is a widow and therefore haven't had this experience. My grandfather and my aunts, uncles and father took care of my grandmother at home for 10 yrs with Alzheimer's. Everyone took turns helping which is extremely extremely rare. Anyway grandfather is now 95 and been a widower for 20 years and everyone is taking turns with him and thanks to God never had to be in your shoes and after 66 years of marriage. I am with Jacob. If my grandparents or my father in law were in your situation they would rather be together if possible. My grandmother used to keep my grandfather up all night and it was wearing himbout and making him sick so to modify care they gave my grandmother a sleeping pill every night. My grandfather became a new man with one little pill and grandma didnt notice anything. Maybe a medicine change for ur mom. Like something for anxiety. I have no idea. It is likely u have already tried everything. All I can say is I cant imagine how you feel, but I know with just one person I just wish it would end. I just wish I wouldnt wake up anymore and find little pleasure in nearly anything from just caring for one person. My hat is off to you and if you believe in God or a power greater than you then pray to Him and know he is pleased with you and eat right, go for a walk and make sure you give yourself at least 51% of care. Dont care more for them then for yourself because you will get sick. That is what happened to me. Then you cant help anyone and your body will become you prison. SELF CARE must be 1#. Best wishes to u and your family.
They are currently together but she is guarding the door, having to be put in the hall so they can help him, etc. She gets angry when nurses try to help him so we have no other alternative. It is one of the saddest and hardest things I have ever had to face. God is helping me. If it wasn't for Him I couldn't survive this. It does help to hear others' stories.
Can a psych dr and possibly meds help her so that she doesn't interfere? I'm sure you've exhausted all you know to do, but this is so sad for all of you. We separated Dad & his partner when she went into hospice from rehab (Dad was still at home). But we just couldn't keep them in the home, and neither her family nor ours could take on both of them.
I am assuming that most of the pain will be your own, right? If so, I am so sorry for that and I do understand when both parents are lucky enough to have lived to be an elder, it is extremely difficult. Perhaps prayer and GOD will get them through.

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