Sorry this is long. I am new here. At the end of the summer, my mother in law left my father in law. She did this by getting in their RV that she can barely drive and checking into an RV Park. No one knew where she was for three days. When we finally tracked her down, I drove from Dallas to Tulsa and picked her up and brought her back to our home. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and has a host of other issues. She is 77. She was here for about a month where I struggled to make sure she took her medicine and didn’t fall and didn’t try to drive. Oh yes, I have 4 children and we own a business that keeps my husband out until 8-9pm. My mother in law insisted on going everywhere we went. Baseball practice, gymnastics, swim lessons, etc. It was such a beating. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even go eat with my family because just eating out would take hours. Finally my brother in law came down and took her to Branson for a little vacation. We told him that she was out of medicine and needed to go to the doctor ASAP in Tulsa. We also told him that she couldn’t stay in her house because they are hoarders and it was bad for her. So what happened? He never took her to the doctor and she stayed at the house. Three weeks later she almost had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma. Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of it. I told my husband that she CANNOT come back here to live because it is too much on me. He told me that if this is how I feel, he wants a divorce. Never mind that we have 4 children ranging from 5-18 years old. I am going to stand my ground. I can’t do it. Am I a terrible person? (There’s a lot more drama in there but for time’s sake...)

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It is quite possible that your husband is using ‘divorce’ as a threat without having much idea about what that would entail. I’ve heard men expecting to move out, take the car and the sound system, keep all their wages for themselves, find a new girlfriend, and see their kids when and if they feel like it. I’ve also heard women expecting that their husband will just move out, leave them with the house, and pay over to them half (or more) of the income/ investments.

It might be a good idea to say something like ‘If you’re serious, we should both go to see a lawyer now and see what financial arrangements would need to be made. Don’t forget that you will still need to arrange care for your mother. We both need a clearer picture before we can make a decision on what to do’. This calls the bluff, and you can say it truthfully without getting angry or being 'a terrible person'.
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DILKimba Nov 2019
Best response yet....
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Don't be naive. You have children. You have a life. You matter. I'd take your husband's threat seriously.

Threatening divorce is not a normal response to feeling "overwhelmed" or "terrified". It's extreme. When a man threatens divorce he has probably been thinking it; it doesn't just come out of nowhere. But now he needs you to take care not only of his children but also his mother.

Threatening divorce may be his way to get you to give in and do it all until his kids are out of the house and his mother is dead. And when his dad needs care, guess who your husband thinks is going to do that too or else D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

So, Tracij29, you take $1000 cash out of the bank on Black Friday and get yourself a consultation with the best divorce attorney in town. And you keep your mouth shut about it. If he asks about the money, say it was for Christmas presents. He does not need to know that you spent that money on the best Christmas present you can give yourself and your children: protection from your husband whose a real piece of work.

Sorry to be blunt but I have no respect for men like your husband. What he did was very wrong and unless he sincerely apologizes to you up and down and sideways on Sundays, I urge you to BELIEVE him when he says he will divorce you.

And start socking away cash in case your momma's-boy-husband loses his god@mn mind because he's cracking under pressure. Divorces can get real nasty real fast and you do not want to get caught empty handed with no money. Your husband may drain your bank accounts and then what are you going to do?
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cherokeegrrl54 Nov 2019
You said it plain snd perfect!!! This IS the reality right now!! Hope she listens....
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Hire the best divorce lawyer in the area and let DH know you'll be asking for child support AND alimony. He's choosing his mother over his wife and children and that's very inappropriate, very hurtful, and very expensive.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2019
I would let him find out in the legal papers. He doesn't deserve any courtesy at all.
No - call his bluff. I doubt he could really handle a business - his part of having the children - plus a demented mom. Insist on marriage counseling - the therapist will likely tell him to pull his head out of his a$$ - that he 1) does NOT get to dictate to you what you will do and 2) he has no idea what is involved in elder care of someone with dementia.

Has he pulled this "then I want a divorce" sh$# with you before?

if he won't go to counseling - then maybe you go - get some help sorting issues and communicating your feelings.

I think it is kind of lucky your husband is still walking around uninjured.
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Yes, he is very lucky to be walking around uninjured...Remember what Lorena Bobbit did, LOL!
Call his bluff.
You will lose MORE if your MIL moves in and you have to become her caregiver. You got a brief glimpse of one month of it. Imagine YEARS of this, getting progressively worse!
He is trying to bully you into doing what he is not man enough to do, which is make plans for his mother.
Call his bluff.
Put your foot DOWN and keep it down. Tell him you will help HIM make arrangements, but under NO UNCERTAIN TERMS will you live in the same house with her and become her caregiver.
Divorce is better than caving into becoming her caregiver.
This website is FULL of stories of the women who succumbed to pressure from spouses or family to become caregiver and became trapped and trampled upon and treated like dirt!
Don't become one of these poor souls.
You are NOT wrong to put yourself and your kids first!
She's 77. Imagine if she lives to be 90 (or more)!!!

I'd rather live with my kids "in a van down by the river" than be trapped in that situation. His mom. His responsibility. You are there to help with decisions and facilitation of those decisions, NOT become the servant and catch-all due to their failure to plan.
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He is using the threat of divorce to manipulate you into caring for his mom. Get a good divorce attorney and take his sorry butt to the cleaners.

You obviously procreated with a dutiful little boy and now you are facing the unfortunate consequences. That he would even go there when you have 4 minor children is proof that he only cares about getting his own way. As hard as this is, it is better to know now that he doesn't have your back.

I am so sorry that you are facing losing your life because of his mommy.
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I'd tell him, "I need some time to think" and make sure that she comes to your home . . . . . just as you get in that RV and drive off for a week or two. Let him handle all of it, let him really, really GET what you are going through.
Might be the only way to make him see your side. (which by the way, is a very good side, protect yourself and your physical/mental health -- no one else will!!!)
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AlvaDeer Nov 2019
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Call his bluff. I see your options as ...raise 4 kids alone or raise for kids (technically) alone and care for your MIL.

He focuses all his time on his business while you are holding down the fort with 4 kids. I bet he thinks you are sitting on the couch reading a magazine for most of the day. So of course you have the time to watch mom...who is really no trouble at all.

When my grandmother visited my father used my mom and I as buffers so he didn't have to deal with her. Then one time he had to spend the weekend at her place alone with her. He came back looking like he did a tour of duty in Vietnam. He asked when she had gotten so bad....we told him she was always like this, he just left us to deal with it.
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Care taking can resemble did for me. Very funny!
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As a male I can say if your husband is claiming this is grounds for divorce... he's already been thinking about it or he's simply a spoiled little man child and thinks holding his breath will get him his way...
If he wants out make sure he leaves and you stay in the home.
Talk to an attorney asap and the next time hubby has a threat let him know you've spoken to one he'll either storm out or cut the crap...
Anytime either partner throws the term divorce around it's time to reevaluate your relationship.
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cetude Dec 2019
I agree.
No. You need to do what is best for you and your children.
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