Hello everyone,
My grandmother is approaching the age of 102 this year. I relayed before that my mother is doing all the caregiving, while my husband agreed to pay for her nursing home costs, which are $4K a month. This has been going on two years. The rest of the family has completely ghosted. No visiting, no financial help. It is what it is.
Last night my gran slumped over during dinner, and was completely unresponsive. They managed to get her in her bed, and it took a long time to get her to come to. My mom rushed over, and says that she couldn't talk for a while, but then slowly regained speech.
We talked about taking her to a hospital, but she has no health care. Not a US citizen. We've paid thousands in hospital bills in the last five years. We both feel so horribly guilty about our emotions and decisions. Do we treat her? Do we allow nature to take its course? I can't ask my husband for any more money. I feel like we're playing God, and it's all in the name of money.
Hospice has come in twice and she didn't qualify either time. She doesn't have any health issues, just dementia and sheer age-related difficulty.
I can't even tell my husband about gran's episode because I'm so afraid that I'll detect that he's relieved she might go soon, and that will make me upset, yet he's in his right to feel that way. It's been a big financial burden for him for two years, and she's not even his grandmother.
I wish an angel of mercy would take my grandmother. She's a shell of her former self, and my poor mother has been caring for her for 20 years. Her golden years are gone. I want to relieve my husband of this financial burden but feel guilty that my wish is based on finances.
We are all feeling like crap over here! Thank you for listening!
Edited to add: I looked up this type of episode, and it seems possible it was a transient ischemic attack - mini stroke. Again, really struggling if we should treat or not treat. When she was in the hospital five years ago with double pneumonia I recall she had a DNR bracelet.
People of faith know that death is not the 'end' but a new beginning for our loved ones who are SO old and suffering the ravages of that age. When it's time for them to go, it's cause for celebration rather than mourning. A hard concept for many of us to grasp, but one that's fostered by many faiths and many clergy.
Paying a staggering $4k a month for a woman of 102 years old is something that most people could not bear, never mind doing so for years. Your husband has done a remarkable thing by facilitating such an arrangement for your grandmother, and neither of you have ONE single thing to feel 'guilty' for.
She's lived a very, very, very long life and it's okay for her to pass onto the next phase of life any time now. Allow her to do so without reservation.
Wishing you the best.
In the meantime, continue to love her and care for her as you have. You’ve done a remarkable job and should be very proud. Wishing peace and blessings to you and your family.
She had an 'issue', which while she may have resolved to baseline--she is not going to live forever and you need to plan for sooner rather than later.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. In fact, you should be praised to the skies for paying/caring/loving your grandmother.
Whilst I advocate re quality of life I also consider what that person would want : If she was wearing a Do Not Resuscitate bracelet I think I would ensure she received palliative treatment for any pain symptoms and let nature take its course. Sometimes it’s kinder to let them go and certainly nothing to feel bad about.
I think i would focus on how it would affect your mum. Is she still fairly active socially or is caring her sole ‘role’. If active socially it would, despite both your loss, enable her to have a better quality of life to enjoy. If however, she denotes her life through the care she provides it would be much harder. On some occasions it has followed that the former carer may well decide it’s their turn to be cared for. I’m not saying that is/will be the case with your mum - just that it has happened. So in effect I would consider your mum’s welfare too.
Please, don’t feel guilty, your grandma would not want that after all you all have done, I’m sure.
My very best regards to you all during these hard choices
The DNR bracelet should be present. Try to get another. Otherwise, if parameds are called in, they may need to try CPR which will be physically painful and possibly cause rib fractures. A DNR bracelet allows comfort care measures but no interventional lifesaving measures.