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My instincts tell me it is very wrong indeed; that it is unfair to other patrons, and also unfair to the restaurant staff. The problem is that my mother does not always vomit after eating, so she strongly feels it is her right to attempt an incident-free restaurant experience. However, I would say the vomiting episodes occur about 50% of the time now, and I feel that's just too often to risk upsetting other patrons. I am conflicted, because my mother feels eating out is her main joy in life, and yet I strongly feel that people outside of our family should not bear the responsibility of having to witness her vomiting episodes while they are paying to enjoy a fine meal. I put myself in other patrons shoes: If I were dining out, and another patron began to vomit, I would feel emotionally (and most likely physically) disturbed. I would most likely not be able to finish the rest of my meal. I find it difficult to finish my own meal when my mother is vomiting. When I raise these issues with my mother, she screams at me that she has as much right as any patron who suffers from a disability to enjoy a fine meal out. For me, vomiting in a restaurant just crosses the line in terms of what is "PC". I am also super stressed from having to clean her up in front of strangers when these vomiting episodes occur. I'm a private, somewhat shy person, and taking center stage during these episodes actually makes my stomach hurt. I am torn between trying to give her the best quality of life possible while not taking the same quality of life away from other diners and myself. Any feedback on this situation would be greatly appreciated.

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I would tell your mom that you are not going to go out to eat with her. That's your boundary. If she can convince someone else to go out to eat with her (and clean up after her), more power to her! I would make sure that all the likely suspects she will ask to take her out are aware of her problem.

You can't change anyone else's behavior, but you can change your own. You don't want to see anyone throwing up at a restaurant. I don't either. Don't be a party to it.
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Tothill Feb 6, 2020
Surprise you have it on the button. OP you are setting the boundary that you will not take Mum out to a restaurant because you do not want to deal with her vomiting, period.

Keep in mind that body fluids are a bio-hazard. It does not matter if Mum is vomiting due to a digestion issue or virus, it is unconscionable to expose other patrons and restaurant staff to this activity.

It is a sing that Mum is losing her grip on reality that she thinks it is ok. There are a great many behaviours that are not ok in public.
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After reading the post, the comments, and further explanations from the OP, I think there is a much bigger issue here than 'eating out', frankly. OP, it's time to tell your mother to Sit Down And Shut Up, that Enough is More Than Enough Already. I don't care how much of a 'softy' you are, your mother is 100% out of control and has absolutely no right to treat you this way. You, however, have told her it's perfectly fine TO treat you this way, so it's not going to stop. She has you SO enmeshed into her toxic web that you can't see past it.

~Absolutely NO more eating out in restaurants
~Get some therapy for yourself right away to help you figure out a blueprint on how to go about backing OUT of this nightmare of care giving you're involved in.
~Get mother placed into a Skilled Nursing Facility where others are paid to deal with this level of Toxicity.

For some reason, many children of mothers like this think it's our 'duty' to put up with WHATEVER level of insanity that's thrown at us. It's not okay. It's not normal. It's not something that we have to 'pull on our big girl panties and suck up.'

What it IS is something we have to figure out how to DETACH from and REMOVE ourselves from. And how to let others handle instead. Because OUR lives are on the line here. These women are old and infirm. They've lived their lives. We, on the other hand, have husbands and jobs and children, etc., that require our attention. If we devote 100% of our attention to the Energy Vampires, that leaves 0% left over for OUR lives.

See where I'm going with this?

Please please please sign up with a therapist immediately to help you figure this whole mess out. We can only advise you..........sending you many hugs and prayers for strength.
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momissues Feb 7, 2020
Thank you so very much for taking the time to respond. I find myself reading your post over and over because it gives me strength! Sending love and strength right back at you! Yes, I will pursue a therapist. This is going to be a hard one for me, and your're right, I think I can definitely use an objective co-pilot. Many, many thanks, again!! XOXOXOX
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You said that if you had to place her in a facility it would be a death sentence for her?
to that I say that if you didn’t, it would be a death sentence for you.
xoxoxo
susan
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 6, 2020
Yes, there is a limit to what children do for their parents.
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This is terrible for you to deal with. Of course I feel for your mom but it is absolutely not fair to the patrons dining in the restaurant.

You can pick up food. She can eat at home. You can take her out to other places that doesn’t require eating as an outing, such as a visit to a park, museum, movie, the mall, etc.
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Your Mom may “strongly feel” anything she wants, but she’s wrong. Yes she has rights, but not when they infringe on other people. I physically cannot stomach listening or watching someone get sick, so there would be 2 people to clean up. If she cannot warn you when this is about to happen and try to get to a bathroom, her not being bothered by “extensive” vomiting in a restaurant is an indication that her reasoning ability has declined. Yours hasn’t, so please don’t let her make the decision on this. You’ve gotten excellent advise on alternatives so she can still get out and have a nice meal. Unfortunate you’re still left with clean up. I’m so sorry about that. I don’t think I could do it.
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momissues Feb 6, 2020
Thank you!!
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This is not at all fair to people out for a dining experience. While most of us might be used to these things, this could honestly ruin meal for more than a few people. I would not go out to eat any more. Bring in food, have food delivered in, but this isn't right. I am so sorry, and feel badly for your Mom who loves going out to eat. Hope you can find a nice way around this.
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I’m sorry you’re in such a dilemma, pleasing Mom or suffering through the cleanup & how it affects others. Follow your instincts though. Maybe, set up your dining area at home “special” for Mom, have dinner delivered. On pretty days, order & pickup food, maybe go to the park or lake. Invite family or friends over. God bless
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Well I feel a lot of empathy for your mother because this is really a difficult situation and its not her fault. But I think Surprise gave the best answer here, which is that this is a boundary for you. It’s ok to set boundaries and not put your mother, yourself, other patrons and the restaurant staff in an unpleasant situation. I do hope that you will compromise with her though and figure out an alternative. I know that being waited on and not having to clean up after yourself is part of the fun of going out but....a lot of restaurants have “carside to go” and you can order meals online or through an app and they will bring it out to your car. Maybe you could do that for lunch and then take her to a nice park or garden to eat.
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momissues Feb 6, 2020
Thank you so very much!!
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It's not fair to the other restaurant patrons, not fair to the restaurant workers and owners (patrons might not come back), and not fair to YOU. So your mother doesn't count in this scenario -- she's outnumbered! Plain and simple.

I feel the same way when people here mention they bring their elders to restaurants, knowing they will have a diarrhea or poop mess. What about the smell, much less possible leakage?
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momissues Feb 6, 2020
Thank you so very much for taking the time to respond to my dilemma!!
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This is the opposite end of things (hahaha 😂) but my husband’s grandma would always speak in a VERY LOUD voice proclaiming her issues with being constipated! Oh my word, the other diners would literally put their forks down listening to her speak. I swear the woman had no filter at all. I stopped asking her how she felt when we ate out.

She would refer to it as, “tightness of the stool!” I am cracking up laughing right now, just remembering it but when it happened I wanted to crawl under the table! She did this in fine dining restaurants in uptown New Orleans. She was nuts! Oh gosh, the stuff that came out of her mouth was insane.

Her comments about other people too. I was afraid of being killed as the innocent bystander that happened to be with her. She was totally out of the box crazy!

My godmother was the same. She would ask someone as they came out of the bathroom, “Did everything come out okay?” LOL 😂
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shad250 Feb 6, 2020
LOL
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