My soul was put behind bars about 50 years ago by my narcissist mother and massively enabling father. My siblings escaped and I was the weak one who stayed behind as I was indoctrinated into the duty of loyally taking care of "mommy and daddy's" happiness and needs. They had good health, money, travel, etc., so what needs did I have to take care of? Whatever it took to alleviate the "pain and suffering" of having such "horrible children" who left them. As much as I could possibly do in any given day to "make your mother happy" was the mantra my father taught me. It was my unspoken job to make up for the terrible pain inflicted on Mommy by my siblings, who I was taught to hate. Anyone that has/had a narcissist mother knows your own needs, emotions and opinions had better meet your mother's approval or there was h*ll to pay. So, of course, all of mine were buried deep inside. A life of enmeshment had me living as a slave. Forget about my desires for a life of my own. I was told girls only go to college for an Mrs. title. I should get married and stay home as it was my husband's duty to take care of me and provide a lifestyle. I was so brainwashed, I wouldn't even buy a piece of furniture or clothing unless my mother approved. Sick, sick, sick.
I'll fast forward through all the pain and suffering and personal loss of dreams, loss of self. Now I'm 61. My father, who literally worshipped and adored my narcissist mother, and could never do enough for her or build a pedestal high enough for her, passed away 3 years ago. Thank you Dad, for your contribution. I'm the only one my mother has. I moved her into my house as she doesn't know how to do a d*mn thing for herself as it was her job throughout her marriage to look pretty and travel the world.She was diagnosed with mild dementia about 8 months ago. All the worshiping and adoration she got from my father was the supply a narcissist needs to survive. Without it now, she's an even worse bit*h from he//. Though I continue to meet every need, even those I anticipate, she spends her days crying then veering and dragging me to the pits of he//. The past 3 days I went through a gallon of ice cream. I'm numb at this point, I have dysthymia and depression, both. I don't have the energy to find an alternative living arrangement and she doesn't qualify for assistance as her income is above the limit, yet below affording anything else. Besides, she would probably put me in a grave if I told her I needed to find a place for her. Though she complains how much she hates living here (she would hate living anywhere as my father's supply is gone) she would push every single button she installed in me and put me over the edge. I do some part-time work on the computer in my bedroom where I spend all my time except for errands and taking her to appointments. Many of you, with care, will tell me what I need to do. I have no energy. I can't even get out of my food stained pajamas till noon. She's killing me.