Narcissistic Mother has started to irritate the administration of her ALF. Thoughts?

Ricky6,
I feel ya, however, which is more likely?
The AFL wanting to lose income or my (TOTALLY NARCISSISTIC) Mother concocting a scenario that would justify her moving into my home?
My Mom has all of her faculties! She is in ALF because she has mobility issues.
After 50 plus years, I have watched Mom manipulate and guilt my brothers as well as myself.
I was not surprised in the least that the Director was shocked and denied ever making that statement.
I feel very confident that I get what's going on now.
Thank you for playing the Devil's Advocate. Sometimes it helps to have a different point of view!

Jodi, have you read about the technique "Grey Rock"?

I've often seen it mentioned here as being a useful tool when dealing with narcissists.

https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

Hhahahaha! Time to tell mom the story of the little boy that cried wolf.

Katskorner,
Since I have done extensive research on narcissism, I know better than to divulge what I have learned to my mother! Lol
So I will bite my tongue and play dumb!
When it comes to dealing with a narcissistic mother, the best defense is ignorance!!

Update!
Last Friday I was able to speak to the Director face to face.
She looked truly shocked when I asked her if she had mentioned to Mom that maybe she should come live with me! She denied ever having said it!
Apparently Mom is playing games!! Ugh!!!

I feel for you. and having been involved with Narky family over the years, and now all is gone I can only suggest you dont worry anymore about her complaints. Yes when Mon comes go visit the Director of the ALF and discuss how to ignore her problems. and plan on defusing her desire to affect everyone. Allow her to be as painful as she wants to be, A bit like the Newton cradle ... remove the resistance and the power of the aggression collapses.
That is NOT meaning to give into her, but just sit with the facts, anything else made up or her stirring because she can is ignored. It will be hard on the staff,
I see you say she pays her own fees. so must have signed some agreement. I am guessing the Director suggested your place to try and shock her into a bit more of a decent interaction.
My mother was put into a rest home village by my eldest sister, some years ago, And then the rest of us found out, and guess who landed up visiting twice a day as her dementia meant she wasnt coping. !! She landed up in hospital with pneumonia, and the hospital tried to discharge her. the eldest sister disappeared conveniently etc.. so they looked at me, and I said fine, I have a spare dog kennel as I only live in a shack, It doesnt have a run but I can make an enclosure of electric fencing. I said all that with a straight face. Funny they managed to keep her the two weeks whilst another rest home was found. In this case I was fighting the hospital system, but it worked,... and yes the only accomodation I had was a dog kennel.
So make up your facts, set the boundaries, and stick to the paradigms. Everytime she complains about nothing every time she makes aggressive statements to the staff and then moans to you. Agree and then say much more of this and your behaviour is that of a person with comprehension disorder, and you will be transferred to a place for those with mental disorder.. dont use the word dementia.
I did work in some rest homes as I ended my career as a nurse, and I met many residents who sound just like your mother. The only way to deal with them was.. ****this is your life, you can be miserable if you want to. But I have another 86 residents to attend to. Your meal will be served at the dining room, you may attend or not. The staff are unable to bring it to your room as they are needed in the main dining area. I shall send them down to get you in 10mins its up to you. With much muttering they usually allowed to be transferred and I got the dagger look. all I can say is good luck its a difficult situation to be in esp in the USA.

Xrayjodib, have you spoken to the director directly to find out if what your mother said is true?

Just to reiterate!!
My mother doesn't have dementia.
She does have mental issues, she is a narcissist!!
She flat out refuses any type of counseling , antidepressants or antianxiety meds. All of which were suggested by her Doctor.
Sorry if I seem irritated! I have tried to answer many of you, however, the suggestion of medical intervention keeps coming up. So again "It ain't gonna happen "!
I appreciate all of your responses!
Just wanted to make that clear!

Seems like many of us have narcissistic parent/parents. My mom in this case. We thought we had skipped the worst by going to hospital, rehab then assisted living. We convinced her that she had to stay there per dr's orders bc she had to rehab due to her fractured hip. Fast forward about 6 weeks. We explained Covid, then moved on to bank took the house back, to Dr hasn't said she can leave. Recently she said she's observed other patients leave & be brought back, soooo I can bring her home too & she promises to be ok with being brought back. (Hmmm) I asked the Director & she said not true. Mom is in a rapid decline so she forgot. When she started to get agitated at about Sundowners time they gave her something to calm her down. She also told director to call my non-involved sisters to come & pick her up. I have POA & purposely did not give the home any other numbers, but did however give others mom number. Mom gets very creative with how to get out. I guess my whole point is I recognize my mom is the one w brain/memory/narcissistic issues & the director & myself have become friends & started to compare stories. Mom has kinda given up now. Not out of the woods yet but together we hoping she finally gets it. Hang in there.
Don't let her get to you.

ALFs do have the right to ask clients who are unhappy/disgruntled, unwilling or unable to sit down with either the social worker or administration to work out the problems, and are negatively impacting the lives of others living at the facility. Has your mother had a psychiatric evaluation? While she may have always been angry and disgruntled as long as you've known her, the Corona virus has had a tremendous negative impact on people causing anxiety, depression,... and exacerbating any other low level issues which may have been festering just below the surface. It was VERY inappropriate for the director to make any suggestions to your mom - unless of course, she is paying for the stay herself and she makes her own decisions (i.e. you are not power of attorney for her). How did she get along for the 1st 3 weeks? Usually in ALF and LTC facilities they will either have a psychologist or social worker meet with new clients a couple times to see how they are adjusting and getting along at the new facility. I believe (though I'm a NP not an attorney) the facility can ask your mom to leave (check the contract to see what steps they need to take before they get to that point) if her behavior is affecting other residents at the facility. However, if she is staying in her room, depending upon whether it's a single or double room, the most she should be able to bother would be one roommate. Have there been any problems with a roommate? If it's just that she doesn't want to be there then the facility needs to work with her to make her feel more welcome (hard as that might be), include her in activities, and allow her to be involved in as much decision-making as is reasonable. Is there a resident council? People on resident councils help to make sure none of the resident's rights are violated. Maybe your mom wants to run for the council, if one exists. As a safeguard, you should start looking for an alternate ALF a.s.a.p. I would then get a psychiatry consultation if one hasn't been done. She may need some medication initially to help her adjust to her new living situation. The other thing you might consider is seeking the services of an elder care attorney. If you bring him/her around the facility for a visit, you can be sure the director will start doing everything by the book regarding your mom. Hey, it can't hurt... The other thing I'm not sure about is whether or not a state's long term care ombudsman helps residents in assisted living facilities or just in nursing homes. From a personal point of view, they do an AWESOME job of getting nursing homes back in line...

I can't believe that they would even suggest that.  what would happen to a resident that had NO family members and they were "irritating"...where would they put them, nowhere.  they would have someone (physic eval done) speak with them and find out what the actual issue is.  You also need to let the "director" know that you are NOT capable of taking her so they need to find someone to speak with her (physic eval) and find out what is happening.  IF your mother (as you say) does not have any mental issues, then you need to sit down with her and tell her that she needs to start being responsible for her actions of  treating others.  ask her how would she like to be treated in a nasty way or being yelled out for no reason.  Hard habits are hard to break.  Maybe if she is raises heck about everything, tell her that crying wolf about stuff can get her into trouble and that pretty soon they will ignore her totally and then when she really has a problem they won't know if its the "normal complaining" or if she does have a problem.  Is there a religious person (preacher, pastor or etc) that could come see her and maybe offer her some peace?  just a thought, wishing you luck.

put her on serequel 24/7 maybe that will relax her :- bad joke, sorry.

take her to a geriatric doctor, perhaps they can prescribe something.

Just saw something about essential oils. Lavendar oil is supposed to be calming..in a clinical test some took lavendar, and the others took ativan.. same effect...how many clinical tests were there for these 2 components? I have no clue.

just lavendar pot purrie. im not good at spelling at the moment.

File under ignore?

If Mother straight up asks to move in with you - give her a straight up answer: NO.

I would seek medical intervention to calm her down. Second, I would give full authority to the facility. Third, I would totally stop visiting her and giving her more reasons to complain to you. I would tell her if she continues, she will be put on the street to fend for herself - and make her believe it - that you will NOT allow her behavior and you will NOT take her home.

Yes, we are all individuals with differing personalities and character. I do believe that usually the characteristics we have while still not demented remain and become intensified when we begin to become mentally impaired.Nice people become even nicer and selfish people become more selfish, etc.Also, truly some people grow very very old with no mental impairment at all.However, medications nowadays interfere with normal aging. Medications can cause strange changes that are not normal. i do not know the answer to this tragic problem. However, i am glad that at 86 i am still med free.

Jodi, you should make it very clear to your mom that she will be up a creek without a paddle if she gets herself evicted. Because your home is not an option for even one night.

Put it on her and ask her what her plan is for having a place to live if she gets booted. Make her answer and make sure that she understands that you are not going to be cornered into her coming to your home.

I would be tempted to go radio silence and let her know that you will not be around or available for calls because you are having medical issues that are adversly affected by stress and her nonsense is to stressful. Maybe having to play nice because she doesn't have you will help her disengage her head from her backside.

YES, I had this happen. - the facility that my mother was in deemed her "too well to stay there." They were wrong - as less than 48 hours after they made that statement, my mother suffered a stroke there and died days later at the hospital.

If you are dealing with a manipulative Narcissistic mother, then you cannot believe anything she says. True Narcissists LIE about everything.

The administrator normally will not suggest places to live without prior authorization from owners of that location. Which means that your mother is lying about the administrator/Director suggesting your place as an option; in other words your mother, "sits on a throne of lies."

Technically facilities will have, or will create, documentation to evict your mother. The ALF can fabricate any reason to evict as long as that reason fits within state laws and/or federal guidelines.

When a landlord wants to evict that landlord will utilize the easiest excuse possible, in this case, perhaps by claiming that your mother is a vague danger to others. Excuses are easily fabricated/supported through generalized documentation, such as something that says your mother is entering other resident's apartments, rooms or ... whatever.

BUT, technically an ALF would or should have found another ALF that has approved her admission. You have not approved admission into your home, and your home hasn't been inspected nor cited as having obtained that approval.

Our ALF will never evict a resident onto the streets, that would be grounds for a lawsuit and would generate really bad publicity.

At our facility all evictions are handled in the same manner; written warnings that are followed by a 30 day notice to vacate, in the native language of the resident.
In our facility, as an example, that 30-day eviction notice automatically generates a copy being sent to the Area Agency on Aging Long-term Care Ombudsman.

The administrator/Director is the only person who can clarify if anything was said. It's doubtful that your mother's claims are true ... So it's time to wait, and to stop engaging with the manipulative asshat. That personality type enjoys provoking reactions and inflicting worry and stress onto scapegoated offspring, and others.

Unfortunately, you're prior "meeting with her" did nothing to help improve her situation but, it would have certainly fueled her ego and temporarily would have met her need to see you upset and 100% focused upon her. Those with that personality type aren't interested in solving "problems," (they've created) b/c they're interested in garnering attention and/or sympathy from others.
If she is a narcissist your mother will continue to manipulate you, which means you need to decide how to decrease all interactions with her, without telling her you're decreasing contact.

Can you go up the ladder and discuss this with someone in the corporate office? Someone has to be in charge in the director's absence. My mother used to tell me lots of "stories" about what went on at her AL. I would always double check before reacting.

In regards to other comments the staff was not uncaring, almost everyone I got to know was generous and concerned for the residents. Even now, after we had to move Mom to SNC and I have been clearing her room, each staffer I have encountered has asked about her and her health.

Yes, when we signed the papers it was noted that the AL has the right to ask the resident to leave if they become disruptive or are a danger to themselves or others. Usually you get at least 30 days notice.

Jodi apparently has NOT heard this from the executive direclotor's mouth and she is away until next week. Let's all back off.

My mother is a narcissist and I would be careful believing what your mother said.
My mother often will tell me that someone said something to get her point across that was never true so I would confirm if the director said that or not.
My uncle which is her brother is an assisted living and absolutely loves it. The last time she went there to visit she said they are trying to kill him with the virus and that the nurse told her she’d be better off getting him out of there to come back to live with her.
I spoke to him and the nurse and neither one ever had that conversation.
So when I confronted my mom She just denied the whole conversation.

Good luck.

It might be time to move her to a regular nursing home w/attached memory care unit. Her outbursts can be mitigated thru medication but most ALF's don't or wont do that. I know the stigma connevted to nursing homes aren't the best, so look around at your options with the budget you/she has. There might be some other changes needed; such as POA or Guradianship; but your srtetching the reach for what ALF's will do. Nursing homes are staffed with personnel; both RN's & MD's; that are trained to handle these type of cases. Good lick & God Bless.

Do not, under any circumstances, give in and take her out of there. Tell them they are there to care for her and they "must put her in her place". This may not work so what I would do is to start looking for other places. I was in a facility (assisted) where one man was horrible and finally they gave him 30 days to leave to go to another place. Stand firm. Do NOT take her out of there except to go to another facility. Get busy - find a place now. You might also contact the local Office on Aging and see what power they have to push her out and what would happen.

You heard the Director say this with your own ears?

My neighbor is in a similar situation. She is at wits end and so is the ALF. Because there is no other place locally for her mom to go, the facility doctor has been putting medication in her food or drink. Since many meds can be flavored and her mothers favorite drink is a banana shake, they put banana flavored medication for her behavior in it. They have also added it crushed in pills to her meats balls or meatloaf. Put in puddings and so on. They have permission from my neighbors daughter to do what is necessary to keep her from being booted out.

Start looking for plan b- e. They may decide to put her out. If you can- try and talk with her. See what her issues are.

Any independent ALF is not charity or government organization. Your mother is not entitled to live there; if she is not wanted, and the ALF does not have to keep her. I would check any documents that were signed when she joined the facility. It may be your only recourse if she does not change her behavior.

Give them freedom to medicate her.

I was only able to get through some of the comments before giving up, so forgive me if mine is redundant. Unfortunately, the ALFs can and do ask certain residents to leave their facility from time to time, it's within their rights to do so. I think the best thing you can do is have honest and open communication with the ED over there so you know exactly what's going on with your mother. If and when she's asked to leave, you won't be blindsided, you know? In the meantime, look around for other ALFs for her to move into b/c she IS NOT coming to live with you, that IS NOT an option. Let the current administration at her ALF know that, too.

There are plenty of other ALFs that will be happy to take your mother, you just need to do the footwork and find a couple that are virus free and have availability. Difficult personalities may thrive better in a different environment, who knows? If not, then she will continue to move as needed until you find the right ALF where she's relatively 'happy' and/or willing to behave herself. Because, again mother, you ARE NOT COMING TO LIVE WITH ME so make the best of it. That is the message she will eventually come to realize.

Wishing you the best of luck!

How do you know the director suggested that to her? Did mom tell you she said it? Might be nothing but mom's manipulation at work just to see what you'd say. Or to piss you off at the facility, too, and get her out of there. Of course, it could be true. She may have compared something they did to how you do it and the reply was, if you don't like it here go live with your daughter.

If your mom is sitting in her room, moping and creating the next argument in her head, she is probably going after each employee that enters her room with some sort of complaint. She IS their squeaky wheel and facilities do NOT like her demands or complaints - even if they are legitimate complaints. She creates work for them. Crotchety old people with a good mind are not what they really want. Preference is the quiet, lay in the bed and poop in their pants type.

It would be very unlikely the director just dropped in to see how your mom was doing. So how the conversation even came about might be interesting. Maybe mom gets out of her room more than you know??? Maybe she's just telling you she sits there all day, alone, to make you feel guilty.

Did your mom ever have any kind of hobby that she enjoyed? Was she ever social on her own. If so, what activities did she do with others. Go from that angle to see if you can figure out something to give her to do.