This is very hard to deal with. Mother has 5 children and there are only 2 of us that show care and concern. I am the POA and live in Texas she is in NJ in a Nursing Home - her youngest daughter lives in NJ. I was deeply hurt when I tried to move her and baby sister to be with the rest of the family in Texas and Mom's middle daughter in Texas agreed to allow Mom to live with her until I could find her an apartment only because my house flooded in the Harvey storm and I was living in office space and hotels for a year. (Otherwise she would have been at my house) I needed 1 to 2 more weeks for the apartment to be finalized. Sister knew what I was doing - I communicated the progress everyday.

Upset because she found out I was made POA, sister called an ambulance and put Mom out without telling her what was going on and lied and said I knew about it. I called my sister immediately and said how could you. I had put this same sisters entire family up (freely) in my house for more than a year to help her move to Texas and even though she and Mom had no real relationship why pretend like she was going to help. Baby sister, in NJ, was also going to move too and resigned from her career and got rid on many items to prepare for the intrastate move and was going to live with middle sister to help take care of Mom until apartment was ready for both of them within a week or 2.

History: Mom put this scorned sister out when she was a teenager and they had bad relationship ever since but how could she do this to an 83 year old, blind, 114 lb woman. After sister put out now elderly Mom she quickly went downhill... Now in Nursing Home back in NJ and thought to have Dementia, had Mini strokes, can't walk, talk, possible Vascular Parkinsons, had and recovered from COVID and is now in Nursing Home with no socialization, no visits and completely alone and can only lie in bed. The Nursing Home is on total lock down. It hurts to know she is so lonely.
I am back in my home but now there is a Pandemic and she is too weak to try and move her to Texas again and find a place for her complete care.

I feel so burdened with this, middle sister thinks she did nothing wrong and I can't stand her for the faking and lies. I was so stressed I went to ER and was hospitalized for further testing when this all happened. We are in the same state and I am the caregiver for my Dad as well whom I moved here 12 years ago with the promise of help yet I am the only one that does all of his grocery shopping, Dr. Appointments, laundry, dry cleaning and I run all of his errands. No One helps... just lots of thank you for loving and caring for Mom and Dad.

I miss my Mom so much and feel like I let her down completely. We had always talked about her coming to live in Texas but she wanted to be sure baby sister was OK at that time before she moved and always put it on hold. Just when they (Mom, baby sister and her 5 children) were all going to make it over here the storm hit and my other sister used it to her advantage to get "paybacks" for something that happened 3 decades ago when Mom put her out as an unruly teenage to live with our Dad.

Mom is also now on a feeding tube and is unable to care for herself. She is on complete care for EVERYTHING! She is alone, blind, can't walk, barely talks, can't move her limbs, does not eat and cannot even enjoy the activities she once loved because of the Covid. 2 years ago when briefly at my sisters she was doing everything for herself. I would fly her to Texas for months at a time and I would fly to NJ to visit her several times a year in between that. I am so burdened with this helplessness! Everyday I can't stop thinking about Mom and how all of this ended up, meanwhile I have that same sister calling me to chit chat and I am so hurt behind all of this. Mom may end up dying alone and this could have been easily avoided if my sister kept her word and did what I did for her family years ago. Much pain!

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The argument between your mother and sister did not cause the Parkinson's, dementia, blindness or any of the other things that are affecting her, and her incredibly difficult health conditions would have made it impossible for her to be cared for in a private home even if any of you had been willing. Until I walked this journey with my own mother I never realized that so many people outlive the possibility of having any quality of life, you have my sympathy.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to cwillie

You are trying to manage the HISTORY, the CHOICES, and the FUTURE for 5 children and one parent. I need not tell you that the history is past, and there is nothing to do about that. It made of each person what it made. You have two children who have ofted out of this swirl, and I think that they are the luckiest, and undoubtedly the happiest of the family, for they merely respond to everyone else, likely, with "Yes. Yes. That's a shame. Thank you for all you do". And then they go back to the lives that they have every right to live.
Mom is 83 and she is very ill, indeed, unable now to even eat on her own. As you state, she is total 24/7 care. It seems that some in the family have already buckled under that care and are also now themselves in care.
I think that your mother will have to remain now in care. No caregiver calls the ambulance lightly for the "ER dump" as I call it; it is an act of absolute desperation. A last resort. I hope you will consider, if this was your Mom's wishes for end of life, palliative or hospice care. I hope you will be able to visit. Covid-19 makes this uncertain.
You will not change your Sisters. You will not change and of your siblings. You will not change your history. It is VERY unlikely that you will ever come to more than a slightly uncomfortable "peace". It is my hope you can get there without recriminations.
Certainly we here cannot be the judges of any of the siblings, nor their lives, nor their pasts, nor their current status, nor their futures. I think we can do nothing but give you sympathy.
At the end of life, facing this many problems, not everything can be fixed. Come to peace in your own mind the best you are able. Come to peace with your siblings the best you are able or wish them well in their lives going forward. Do what you are able to help your Mom. My advice would be against 24/7 care, but you know better than me what you are capable of.
I am so sorry for all of this pain and grief for you all.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Victoryismine Sep 18, 2020
Thank you for your response AlvaDeer. I have been feeling so hurt and disappointed and I had to vent, now I am striving for forgiveness of myself and others for the sake of my own peace and sanity. Your response was very helpful and I truly appreciate you taking the time to share.
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