Narcissistic Mother has started to irritate the administration of her ALF. Thoughts?

My first thought is who told you that the director said this? I am hoping you won't tell me that your MOTHER told you.
Secondly, time to speak with the director. When my brother was in Assisted Living most of the people there were much farther along the dementia spectrum than he. The director was well known to me. I know what she went through and I know how good she was at it, and I will tell you now that complaint is the thing all those elders did BEST. And those caring for them, so kind, so compassionate, knew and understood that.
So your Mom may be in the wrong facility, if choice there is.
The staff at Assisted Living may WELL, when the poop hits the fan, say something such as "You may be unhappy enough here that you would like to explore other places that better suit you". It is the ultimate last resort of honestly saying to the elder, who may NEED to be leveled with "If you think there is someplace that will accept your abuse more gladly, then do go out and find that place".
Even when dementia is a factor our elders occ. need to be told the truth. It is not as though they are shopping at Macy's and if they don't like the service they can go across the street and give Nordstrom's twice as much money to put up with them. When I was an RN I occ. had to level with people. I first of all LOVED my feisty patients, loved almost all of my patients, but abuse is another thing, and I occ. had to sit down and tell someone gently that I cared about them, that I would do my level BEST for them, that I was a good nurse, and I would care for them to the very best of my ability, BUT that I was not there to take abuse, and I would NOT take abuse. That is being a nurse in San Francisco where the Union job didn't allow people to abuse us, neither bosses, Doc, nor patients. I never worked with a finer bunch, and I was privleged to care for people, but there are times when there is no other answer but the gentle truth.
Tell them honestly that you have this version from (whomever it comes from) and that you cannot know what to believe, but that you are both afraid for your Mom's dignity, while knowing how difficult she can be, and afraid for her position within their facility. This may come to a "come- to -Jesus" honest meeting, Mom, you and the director. I have seen that work.
I sure do hope you will update us. Don't let it go unaddressed would be my advice. But address it honestly and gently.

Mother's happiness is own her responsibility: past, present, future.

Who suggested moving in with you? The Director or Mother? Either way, a big jolly laugh is the answer "Gosh that's funny! That's NEVER going to happen".

Jodi, I agree with Elaine, but if you haven't spoken directly to the director and heard this information from her mouth, you have ZERO reason to believe that it's true.

I'm so curious why you think that if your mother gets kicked out of an AL that she would HAVE to come live with you. There are other AL's in your state, yes?

Make it clear, in the nicest possible way, both to mom and the director, that you will in no way being assisting your mom in making a move.

Not looking at other places, not driving her around to them to look, not ordering the movers. Mom will have to manage this all herself, or with the kind Director's help.

Why? Because clearly you picked the wrong place and Mom and the Director will have a MUCH better idea of what mom needs.

Oh, and since the new place will be a longer drive for you, you won't be doing any errands.

And only visiting once a month.

"It's to the point that the Director has suggested to her that maybe she should come live with me!" Doubtful, but your mom gets extra points for attempting to manipulate you.

"If they give her the boot, she'll have nowhere else to go!!" Your mom can either modify her behavior or she can find another place, just like she found the one where she's currently living. Either way, it's not your problem to solve for her.

If she is still in her right mind then she can understand her options. Make it clear that she cannot move in with you. And don’t try to give her an explanation. Just, “it’s not an option - the plan is you need and get along here.” And walk away. Limit your involvement. Then your mother won’t have you as an audience. My mother has dementia and is receiving hospice services and she still continues to complain - and lie!!! I have sent notes and spoken with medical staff about her anxiety and depression issues as well. The staff should be trained in dealing with these types of personalities. You also need to stand up for yourself with the staff, if indeed they are the ones telling her that she needs to move. My mother told me that someone from the office came to tell her she had to move in 30 days. That wasn’t true. Moving her home with you would be your suicide. Don’t do it!

This happened on the Sopranos when Tony Sopranos put his narcissistic mother in a home. I could relate as I battle these issues with my own mother. It was hard to watch the show as it was so triggering

its was the first season and the actress passed in real life, she was too good an actress. It’s worth watching bc her kids discuss what to do about mom and what it was like having her as a mom in their life, waking up to that fact. Great therapy lol

My mother is in an ALF also and I am about 10 minutes away. She will complain to me about lunch being 15 minutes late. The girl forgot to put her juice in the fridge and so on. Once in awhile I have to stop and remind her of the "real" world. I am not religious but my mom is so I'll say "God in his infinite wisdom gave you this nice place to stay, makes sure you have food and someone comes to clean your apartment every week." I then go on to remind her of all the people who are homeless, hungry or diseased and dying. That usually calms her down for awhile.

I was only able to get through some of the comments before giving up, so forgive me if mine is redundant. Unfortunately, the ALFs can and do ask certain residents to leave their facility from time to time, it's within their rights to do so. I think the best thing you can do is have honest and open communication with the ED over there so you know exactly what's going on with your mother. If and when she's asked to leave, you won't be blindsided, you know? In the meantime, look around for other ALFs for her to move into b/c she IS NOT coming to live with you, that IS NOT an option. Let the current administration at her ALF know that, too.

There are plenty of other ALFs that will be happy to take your mother, you just need to do the footwork and find a couple that are virus free and have availability. Difficult personalities may thrive better in a different environment, who knows? If not, then she will continue to move as needed until you find the right ALF where she's relatively 'happy' and/or willing to behave herself. Because, again mother, you ARE NOT COMING TO LIVE WITH ME so make the best of it. That is the message she will eventually come to realize.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Disappear . For a little while anyways. Really. Just . .do a vanishing act.

Others will explain better.

First, the Director should not have said "maybe she should come live with me". Mom is where she is either because she chose to be or because she can't live with you.

You set boundries before this move. Stick by them. Have a Jesus moment with Mom again. Tell her in no way will she ever live with you. And if she hinders in any way the ability to stay where she is, she is on her own. Also, make her aware that in some instances the State can take over and her life will not be hers. (In some instances this is true but a little white lie won't hurt) I would find out if in ur State an AL can "kick" a resident out if they do not have a safe place to go. They do sign a lease so not sure if they can evict. But, they may not allow Mom to sign a new one.

You then sit down with the Director and tell him/her what Mom said. This way you will find out if Mom was lying. You then tell him/her that Mom coming to live with you is not an option. It will not happen. That from the beginning you told her it was up to her to make her living there a happy one. That you nor anyone else can/could do that for her. That the best thing he/she and staff could do is set boundries. And this can be done in nice ways. They must have had nasty residents before.

Think of Mom as a child. By sabotaging something they thing they will get their own way. By setting boundries and walking away from their tantrums, they realize that the sabotaging is getting them nowhere.