My wife has dementia and recently entered a long term facility. For several months now she has convinced herself I have a girlfriend. Every time I go somewhere she is sure I’m meeting her. She tells me she hates my guts and calls me a liar. Granted in a little while she has focused on something else. We’ve been married 60 years and this is tearing me apart. I know she doesn’t realize what is happening, but I don’t know what to do.
I think families should be given preparation as to how their loved one will possibly change. I knew ahead of time that one day my father would not know me. Yet the day it happened was still like a blow to my heart.
All I can say is learn to detach and rise above the paranoia accusations. Just love her while cherishing the memories of the person she was before. She is still there, but the memory loss has hijacked her reasoning and thought patterns leaving her confused and paranoid at this point.
If it is too painful to sit through, end your visits early. Remember it is the progression of the disease process taking place and not your wife's actual feelings for you.
I think the hardest part of taking all of this in, is learning to detach and letting go of our loved ones. It is a form of anticipatory grief that follows.
You are grieving the loss of your spouse even though she is still here physically but not mentally.
Dementia is a slow process disease, and it is difficult to watch loved ones to go from the person we knew before the dementia diagnosis to someone we no longer recognize. It requires compassion, empathy and patience on our part even though it is difficult for us to process as new changes occur each day.
You will not be able to convince your wife otherwise so you will have to pick your battles. You can affirm that she's the only one for you in 1 sentance and then change the subject or distract her in some way.
I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
Just continue to be by her side, assuring her of your love and devotion.
My very straight laced friend's husband, who had Parkinson's disease, would accuse her of having many lovers. At first she was horrified, hurt and especially ashamed when aids were there to hear it. I know you know it's not your Mrs talking, it's dementia talking. I hope this stage of her dementia doesn't last and then another stage of decline may replace it. But if this stage does last for a while you'll be surprised to find, as you can imagine, like with anything else that repeats and repeats and repeats it gets old and stops stinging.
If you're fortunate to have good humored aids you'll learn from them how to respond. My friend told me they would wink their eyes in a mischievous way and say - Sure Mr. Garcia we're all in on it and we're making big money. Next week we're getting a big chandelier and you might get a turn on it if you're good. All these silly fun comebacks were gently spoken while feeding, washing, helping to shift his position or lift him into his wheelchair.
You will toughen up, and you may become sad when you realize that you are also relieved that you're toughening up, but this will help you continue to be the stand up man under fire that you promised to be on that great day 60 years ago.
With all that you're enduring, and with all the help you are giving it's difficult to be called unfaithful especially when you are doing nothing but acts of faithfulness.
When the accusations get specially rough to hear try to imagine you can see the spirit of your Mrs' true self standing by that body hollering "Please I can't help it. It's not me talking. Please understand. G-d I love you so much". Imagine the shoe on the other foot with you out of control. Wouldn't you hope that she would do the same for you as you are doing for her?
Know that you are a great champion. With every ache you're becoming a giant.
You say you don't know what to do -
Don't neglect yourself. Especially at this time, you need breaks. Treat yourself to a real good meal. Go out with guys and talk about sports. Keep it brief if someone not in your inner most circles asks about her. Pour your heart out to those who care and understand. Care facilities often have a counselor for the family of care recipients. Talk to them. Go back to her refreshed. Sadly, as well as happily, it's not forever.
If you need something to do, it couldn't hurt if you brought her artificial flowers with a valentine-like card with it, or/and everyday make, or buy from a dollar store, a paper heart or a card that indicates her name and simply, I love you, and your name, and tape them where she can see it easily. Everyday do this 'till the wall is covered. Or just visit. Try to hold her hand especially when it may look like it's the last thing she wants. Compliment her. Do matter what she says talk to her like she didn't just say something upsetting.
You're a hero.
This of course, if you listen to Teepa Snow videos or watch other videos of dementia and behavior, is exceptionally common. It is sad, but it is common. I am so sorry.