My parents need care but will not accept help. What should I do?

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My 86 year old mother has mild alzhimers (which is getting worse) my 89 year old father is total care, on oxygen 24/7 and cannot do care for himself in any way. He still is of mostly sound mind. My parents live in a 5000 sq foot home and refuse to leave or get help. I am here on a family leave from work (live in another city 2 hours away) and only came because my mother fell and came to help my Dad. When I came, I realized that everything is not okay, Every day there is some sort of problem or mistake. For example. bills not paid and sent to the wrong company, leaving the stove on, can't figure out how to even use the phone sometimes. My mother still has her drivers license (restricted) which is scary, My mother takes multiple medications for Alzhimers, and heart disease. She states that she does not need the medicine but sometimes takes it and sometimes doesnt. I put the meds in daily containers and constantly remind her to take them. I have talked with their friends, their church, their doctor, APS was also called (idk who called them), they spent 5 minutes here and my parents stated they did not need help so the case was closed. I feel that if I left as my mother wishes (my dad wants us to stay, he realizes they need help but is bullied by my mom into having us leave) that it would be unethical, unsafe and I get a knot in my stomach when I think of even consider leaving. No one will help us or they dont have the nerve to tell them (including me) that is is not safe. My doctor whom i spoke to about this suggested that I call APS again and put it into their hands. I feel so scared. I want to be respectful of my parents wishes but I cannot in good conscience leave them. What do most people do in this situation and can and who is available to help me. My time is running out from work leave and I need help!!!! Thanks for any suggestions. Again, my mother is very stubborn and aggitated and absolutely will not accept any help of any kind. I feel as though it would be neglect to leave them alone. Also my parents scream and yell at each other all the time, I grew up in a happy and healthy household, never used to fight. What should I do?????? HELP!!

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Pripod; can you start a new post? What are you confused about?
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How does this work.  I'm a bit confused.
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I need help for my mother.
She 75 yr old
She in being of Alzheimer's and have metal illness
She do not leave her house and don't take her medication
The doctor don't want to take to me
They say my mother have her right
I have power of attorney of her not for medical
I paid her bills and rent
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Listening to you guys is like groundhog day all over again for me. I am experiencing so very much of the same thing with my 97 year old stubborn mom. also, I have a neighbor that has not seen a doctor in well over 10 years, refuses to let me find her one and neither of her grown children gives a flip. the lady is a hoarder big time and house id a fire trap, but I can't find anyone in this town to help. please advise. thanks Audrey
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A friend passed this one along to me- for the taking of the keys and driving issue. You tell your parent that you will sorry and miss them if they have an accident and get hurt or die, but that you can not in good conscience let them drive and hurt anybody else- especially a child. Of course it's been seven years since "I made my mother stop driving and sold her car". That would be the woman who can't see out of one eye and the one I get large print books for weekly from the library for ten years. That car would be the one I was keeping up the maintenance, paperwork and trying to drive every two weeks. The other helpful bit, is when the "I won't be here much longer" gets played is to say "fine, since you know when you are going to go, tell me and I'll pencil it on my schedule" and/or reminding them having lived X years and the IRS says they will live to X+more and you believe the IRS because the government wants the money. After so many years dealing with my mom, I am down to cribbing the social workers "you are free to make unwise and foolish choices" with my version- I will not be the one to take you to the emergency room, again or visit you in rehab. I am done. My brother (ha- and she knows it) will have to do it. I currently count 3 friends whose equally stubborn mothers crashed and lay on the floor from several to 56 hours, because they were not wearing or did not push the lifeline buttons. I'm so burned out from dealing with what she won't, I am the one who won't now. It frustrates me no end that senior facilities can use the "activities of daily living" scale to charge more but we can't make laws that invoke a safety removal for people with age related dementia who can no longer perform ADL's on their own. Little Old Lady syndrome, a not so LOL for mostly daughters, has refusal to move to safe choices as one of its key symptoms. Still, I agree that being positive and cheerful redirection keeps the agitation/resistance down but it gets harder and harder to do. At some point, you also have to acknowledge you have no control over what is going to happen-the crash and burn- but you can still pull down your own oxygen mask so to speak, once you have done what you can and told all possible responsible parties what's coming. It's insane but there is no sensible planning from within our communities to deal with the elderly, like you did not pass the stay at home test and so you either get in-home help or move to a facility. I can at least have a sensible plan for myself.
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I have not read all the comments and this may have already been suggested. You are a loving, caring person but you are being too hard on yourself. Please consider a support group or counseling to help you through this. I speak from experience and your best chance at getting them to make a change is to keep talking to your dad to get him on your side. Unfortunately things may have to get worse before they get better.
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It's a tough decision that is yours to make. You explained the problem but not what would be your optimal solution. Sometimes the worst has to happen for changes to occur. Go back to work, get monitoring via internet, record it and have your mother declared incompetent. Get POA. This dithering and wringing your hands trying to please everyone will drive you insane. What does your father want to do?
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It would help if their main dr. was a geriatric specialist. They see these situations and can deal with them better than the docs that your parents have been seeing for years. It helps to insinuate yourself into the dr's appts., perhaps call the dr. (even if it's their usual dr.) and talk to him/her in advance of the appt., tell them what's going on, what it's doing to you, how unsafe the situation is. Your parents might listen to a trusted MD they've been going to for a long time. The person who made comment about role reversal and having to say/do things that they won't like, as they did when you were a child, is SO true. You could also confer with an eldercare atty in your area. They also deal with these situations, might be able to help you get POA, medical POA. If either parent is irrational or has dementia, start keeping a journal of such events and incidences, including unsafe behavior, because you might need it if you have to go to Court to have one or both of them declared incompetent in the future. Try to find a Geriatric Care Coordinator in your area. Would be a huge help for you in this situation, and you wouldn't feel like you were so alone in dealing with this. Sometimes you have to pay for their services. They can do interventions, assessments of home situations, etc.

But, since you're a nurse (as I am), check to see if any of the hospitals or geriatric practices in your area have one on staff. My hospital does, and she's been huge help to me. They have great ideas and resources. They know the eldercare attys in the area. They know the assisted living facilities. Plus, just talking to them is like a therapy session! The one at my hospital will help any employee for free. She also coordinates a Caregiver Support Group that meets once a month for employees, has speakers on diff't topics, etc. She talked to me about creating my "Circle of Support" - the people who'd be helpful to me, and would support my decisions when I'd have to have unpleasant talks or make unpopular decisions for my parents, who were still very much able to make me feel horrible, and say very mean, personal things to me when I didn't agree with them or was trying to keep them from being unsafe or preyed upon. The "Circle" can include friends who are good listeners, siblings or cousins, other people who are going thru the same thing...like this website even. I shared stories and resources back & forth with some cousins who were having a difficult time with my dad's brother who had dementia.

Best wishes to you! It's a tough situation You are just wanting the best for your parents.
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Problem here is that due to OCD my brother will not let anyone in the house should they come to the front door. It sets off an OCD episode of crisis proportion. Since he has no where else to live, my parents will be having him there permanently. No recourse. Just my parents going to the urgent care clinic after the spinal fracture took 3-4 days of crisis for him to resolve the issue in his mind. Honestly, I do not know if he could let in EMT with a furney if something really awful happened. As I said, I am not allowed in the house now.
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Call the Adult Protective Services group in their city. I understand you can even call the police about some kind of elderly check and they take social services with them. That should result in some kind of evaluation. I know nothing about HIPPA as we have never had issues with speaking to our Mother's doctors about anything. Good luck!
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