My narcissistic aunt with Alzheimer's doesn’t recognize me in person and is very suspicious of me. Should I stop visiting her?

I agree with my2cents. You have done your part as a niece. Be yourself and visit when you can.

I hope you're not her POA, if things are going this way. If you are just a niece, then you don't have responsibility for her, and visits should just be enjoyable. It's never good to try to be what you think someone else wants you to be. Be yourself! Know your own boundaries. Help her if you can do so without feeling that you are being hurt by the relationship.

She knows you on the phone, so continue phone calls. If she says something is broken, tell her you'll get someone to fix it - don't argue that it's not broke. If she thinks her money is gone, so be it. If she goes further, tell her that after she ran out you paid for what she needed, or when she got to be xx years old she didn't have to pay. Just go with it. I would still stop by from time to time - get a white board and put the day/date on there and a note to her saying 'enjoyed the visit' or something. Or get a big calendar and have visitors write their name on it when they come by. Might help, might not.

Is there anyone other than you that acts as her caregiver? If not then I wouldn't give up visiting the facility - maybe not go to see her since it seems to upset not only her but you too. But if there is no one else, she needs an advocate to make sure her needs are met. Maybe just look in on her without her knowing it.

It is so - sad - to be old and demented not remembering that someone visits - feeling all alone and unloved.

Bless you for the care you have given her.

The word narcissistic gets thrown around a lot... I'd actually just think Alzheimer's Disease covers it.

If the visits now upset you or her & is having limited (or no) positive impact, then, yeah, it's OK to either wind them back in frequency or cease visiting.

If it helps - the old fashioned way was to visit until people no longer knew you.

Anndis
It is very disheartening when a person reaches this stage of the disease. My mom always remembered that she had a daughter and my name but not my face It helped a lot when I stopped having expectations, I would just visit her and let her decide who I was (Her sister, a Coworker or a classmate). I would greet her with a big smile and say “hi girl” and that always worked because I think it made her feel like she knew who I was . At least it made my visits easier for her and also allowed me to monitor her closely. When your aunt becomes demanding have an exit plan and leave. I hope this works out for you.

No, she has a disease that she CANNOT help. What if you get the same disease? Would you want everyone to desert you? My own mother smacked me and called me terrible names but then the next day she would tell me how much she loved me. She passed 2 months ago and I NEVER left her. She was precious to me, even though she didn't know me most days. I would give anything to have her back. If you stop seeing her you will feel guilty. She doesn't have that much time on Earth so she is the priority for now. Cherish her, tell her you love her...time is fleeting.

Be yourself - always. Also, get somebody with medical authority to address her anxiety and agitation. She can't remember, so she gets angry and paranoid. She tries to control her life in ways that upset you - and most likely everybody else. A mild anti-anxiety medication may help her to relax more and be less abrasive. Also, consider what is reasonable as far as visiting her goes - and do that.

Remember narcissist love to play head games, Id stay home

No need to placate her or upset yourself in these visits. It is vital that someone is advocating for her and making sure her care is good. Either make that be you from a safe emotional and physical distance or have someone else do it. Every NH resident needs visits to ensure the care is good. I’ve seen people visit without the person ever knowing it, doing a check in with the staff and seeing the person from a distance

YES stop visiting your aunt.

This woman has dementia and is broken and YOU are a FOOL to put up with it. There is nothing you can do with the relationship - you do not deserve her behavior. Just simply do what you need to do behind the scenes for her but do not visit. She is causing the separateness from those around her - not you. You should NOT tolerate this for a single moment, nor anyone else. Leave her be in the bed she made for herself. Tend to you and what makes YOU happy and content.

If it's upsetting to you, then I would at least limit the amount of time that you are there.
I did like the idea shared by another. Try leaving the room and get the "other" you to return. Maybe she'll be nice?😏

What are you doing for her? It appears she is paranoid about her life, and possibly was like this prior to her illness. Are you her Next of kin legally? Are you her POA? What responsibility do you have? At times, many of us attempt to do the impossible and not qualified to deal with emotions that surface from neglecting ourselves. If you are feeling like a martyr do so, but if you are wrecking your life trying to see after someone who feels entitled, and recall no one has this disease 24-7, many times they are lucid and continue to act out because they get their way and can be very mean to loved ones because they want to hurt others with their ways of losing control. Perhaps, give space to all of this, let her know do not sneak about, just let her know you are emotionally burned out, and if you are tied legally to her, why so many desire to get beaten up for what,? She has money? Be careful people live a long time with this disease, all should recognize limitations before taking on all.of these added burdens. No amount of money in the world will force me to live a life that is not respectable and I do not intend to spend my last days dealing with people who were not that nice when they were lucid, and yet the disease manifests these traits more and no one is going to change this. It is up to you, your life live it and no one deserves to be tied to the ruins, but having money make many people do many things and guess most people with money are very aware that they can treat you any way they want and get away with it. True character is being free from this idea, the poor have it better, they can like you or not, they are still poor, and thus do not make it their problem to kiss up for what you got. Decide your course. Your aunt decided hers and lived it and is still in charge, she is not narcissistic, she is manipulative as most with money tend to be., yet you can just walk. You are free.

My mom lived with us for 12 years as she struggled with dementia. Prior to the disease she was always loving and happy. As she descended into the disease she began to change. At one point, in a very nice restaurant, and totally unprovoked, she suddenly began screaming that my husband and I were trying to kill her. Another time, at home, she started yelling at me for no apparent reason. I stepped out of the room for about a minute and then returned. She had completely calmed down, looked straight at me and asked where “that woman” had gone. I realized then that it was all a sad trick her mind was playing on her. So I calmly replied , “I knew you didn’t like her, so I told her to leave”. Mom’s response was a very thankful sounding, “Good”.

You really can’t take these outbursts personally- the person suffering with dementia can’t really react anymore like the someone we used to know. But if your aunt is well cared for, and not in any personal harm without your visits, you might want to stay away or limit your visits to when YOU feel comfortable. This is unfortunately just another phase of the disease. You’re expecting a normal or reasonable response from your aunt. Unfortunately, that’s a thing of the past. Things don’t get “better” with dementia, no matter how many times you try to “fix” the situation. They just keep evolving in a mostly unpredictable pattern. Take care of yourself first.

I can empathize. My Alzheimer's-ridden mom would accuse my husband and me of stealing her purse (which had $5 in it and a lipstick), when she couldn't find it, (because she hid it), and she'd tell me, at times, to "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm.' " She'd never say that to anyone about anything before Alzheimer's, let alone to me, about nothing. I even wrote about our travails in a book entitled "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's tale." I tried not to take insults personally.

How frequently have you been visiting her?

Yes, hire someone that will be patient & kind.

Yes.

If she's being well taken care of, you have no obligation to be abused for one second longer. Disease does not discriminate. It comes upon good people and bad. It sounds like she has had a lifelong practice of disrespectful, demanding behaviors, and it is not altogether out of character for her to be nasty. Life is hard enough.

You need to remember her behavior is due to the disease. It’s not her. Do not take it personal. They don’t understand and trying to change her mind won’t work. Try to change the subject.,how about a snack?? Let’s go for a walk…The weather sure is beautiful today. .. it can be exhausting so remember take care of you also.

In short yes you don’t deserve to be treated like this I know she is unwell but maybe stick to the phone calls and cut down on the visits as it’s not doing you any good good luck

YES - it is not her you are visiting and it is the disease talking. Once someone ceases to recognise you then visiting often causes more upset for the carers because it agitates the resident and they get a lot of hassles after you have left. She doesn't know if people have visited or not so there is no benefit to you doing so. Look after your own health and leave her to be as settled as she can be. You are not letting your aunt down or failing to do what you can for her - unfortunately you have reached the point where you can do nothing and its your health you should now be thinking of.

Imho, stop the visits for a while since they are upsetting.

Yes. Stop. As long as her needs are being met by others, you need not go. Send cards ~ puzzles, coloring books/pencils, small treats... I cannot imagine that in her healthy mind, she would wish for you to feel the way you do. Unfortunately, we cannot “unhear” unkind words from afflicted loved ones and those should not be the memories that follow you the rest of your life.

She has Alzheimers. Thats how they will behave with some people. They have memory problems. They think people steal their stuff..Educate yourself on the disease or stop calling if it is exhausting..she can not help her behavior..it is not purposeful.

Visit her when you want to be there, not because you feel obligated. Next time, take control and greet her by singing "You are my sunshine" or something similar. She may surprise you.

No, it's not like she's going to live much longer.
You should stop seeing her if your visits upset her.

If she asks you to fix something that isn't broken, just take it, give it back and say it's fixed.
If she talks about no one visiting, just let her know they visited, she just forgot.
If she talks about the other you, tell her the other you is still you. One is the phone you and the other is the visiting you.

Mare your visits shorter in length and only once a week.

Anndis
Who is your aunts POA? If no one, who does the NH have for a contact? I agree with cutting out the visits but I think you will feel better if you keep an eye out for her. It is very common for the elderly to complain that no one comes to visit, even when a visitor is sitting right in front of them.
As time passes you may be emotionally detached enough to be able to see her without it distressing you. Try it for awhile and see if your exhaustion improves.

In person visits sound stressful for both of you. Just continue with phone callks.

I think that this is a common occurrence when people lose their 'memory' abilities.

This isn't helping her, in fact, the anxiety is brings is probably quite disturbing to her. Sad, but true.

Even my mom, who has not been dxed with dementia, shows signs of it if you talk to her long enough. She loses track of the train of a conversation and it agitates her and she'll give up and say "I can't remember, I don't care anyway" or something to that effect to shut you down and stop you from talking.

My mom didn't speak to me for almost a year when I was going through cancer treatment. Now I am better and drive her to bingo once a week. She tells me how much I mean to her every.single.time I take her to bingo--because I have value to her. When I didn't, she didn't say a word to me. Just the way it is.

Haven't spoken or seen my MIL in over a year, b/c my presence makes her so angry. No rhyme or reason to this behavior, really.