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My 98 year old narcissistic aunt no longer recognizes me in person but does seem to know me on the phone. She talks about “that other me” in a very paranoid way. What she says is very hurtful. She insists I haven’t come to visit and nobody cares. She then goes on complaining about how she is being treated and all the things that are going wrong. She is even more demanding now and wants me to fix various things she swears are broken ( they are not). She thinks all her money is gone (it is not). I have been the one that always ran to fix whatever issue was upsetting her. We have had an O.K. relationship as long as I placated her. Frankly I am exhausted and really don’t want to see her anymore. Other family members have visited but she insists no one has come. I finally feel free to begin to be myself instead of who she wanted me to be. Should I stop seeing her?

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Yes, stop seeing your aunt if doing so will cause her grief. With Alzheimer's, you're not going to be able to convince her you're 'you' or anything else for that matter, so stop trying. Stick to the telephone calls since she seems to know you when you call her. She has no short term memory, so she insists nobody goes to see her in the NH when they really do. My mother does the same thing (with moderately advanced dementia); she continuously tells me that 'not a soul' calls her or goes to see her, which is 100% false, but there's no convincing her otherwise. It's just another sad part of an ugly disease where everybody loses.

If you want to go visit her once a month just to check on her and make sure she's okay, give that a try to see how it goes. You can always go check on her w/o her knowledge as well. You can visit from afar, while she's eating or doing something in the activity room w/o her knowing you're there. Everyone in a SNF needs an advocate to make sure they're being cared for properly by the staff.

Good luck
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How often do you visit? It sounds like you no longer want to visit your aunt but you're not sure if you should. It's like you feel a responsibility or obligation to visit so you're looking for advice. Well, you're under no obligation to visit. Neither one of you enjoy the visits. If you feel the freedom to be yourself in not visiting, then don't. If you want to visit a lot less often, do that, but don't feel harnessed to her every whim. Her life has been predetermined by her illness, yours is determined by you.
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Yes, you should stop visiting her. If she no longer even recognizes you, what's the point in seeing her in person?
Let me tell you something I've learned from many years of working in elder homecare. When you see your aunt in person and she is suspicious because she doesn't recognize you, that visit alone has unnecessarily complicated her life and the job of her caregivers. That upset will have regressed her and could set her back for days.
This is what happens with Alzheimer's/dementia. The slightest disruption in a routine can set them back for days.
Limit the amount of time you spend on the phone with her too. She's clearly out of it and can no longer hold a coherent conversation. Limit how much time you will spend on the phone with her. Answer one call a week from her.
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If the visit causes anxiety for her and you too, I would stop the visits for a while. Maybe as her Dementia progresses she will just consider you a visitor. Don't tell her your name. Seems to trigger something.

The Dementia brain is so unpredictable and I don't do well with that. My Mom said a few things to me too and I was the only one of 4 kids that did for her. Its the desease, the brain is dying.
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I think that this is a common occurrence when people lose their 'memory' abilities.

This isn't helping her, in fact, the anxiety is brings is probably quite disturbing to her. Sad, but true.

Even my mom, who has not been dxed with dementia, shows signs of it if you talk to her long enough. She loses track of the train of a conversation and it agitates her and she'll give up and say "I can't remember, I don't care anyway" or something to that effect to shut you down and stop you from talking.

My mom didn't speak to me for almost a year when I was going through cancer treatment. Now I am better and drive her to bingo once a week. She tells me how much I mean to her every.single.time I take her to bingo--because I have value to her. When I didn't, she didn't say a word to me. Just the way it is.

Haven't spoken or seen my MIL in over a year, b/c my presence makes her so angry. No rhyme or reason to this behavior, really.
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In person visits sound stressful for both of you. Just continue with phone callks.
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Anndis
Who is your aunts POA? If no one, who does the NH have for a contact? I agree with cutting out the visits but I think you will feel better if you keep an eye out for her. It is very common for the elderly to complain that no one comes to visit, even when a visitor is sitting right in front of them.
As time passes you may be emotionally detached enough to be able to see her without it distressing you. Try it for awhile and see if your exhaustion improves.
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No, it's not like she's going to live much longer.
You should stop seeing her if your visits upset her.

If she asks you to fix something that isn't broken, just take it, give it back and say it's fixed.
If she talks about no one visiting, just let her know they visited, she just forgot.
If she talks about the other you, tell her the other you is still you. One is the phone you and the other is the visiting you.

Mare your visits shorter in length and only once a week.
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Visit her when you want to be there, not because you feel obligated. Next time, take control and greet her by singing "You are my sunshine" or something similar. She may surprise you.
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She has Alzheimers. Thats how they will behave with some people. They have memory problems. They think people steal their stuff..Educate yourself on the disease or stop calling if it is exhausting..she can not help her behavior..it is not purposeful.
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Yes. Stop. As long as her needs are being met by others, you need not go. Send cards ~ puzzles, coloring books/pencils, small treats... I cannot imagine that in her healthy mind, she would wish for you to feel the way you do. Unfortunately, we cannot “unhear” unkind words from afflicted loved ones and those should not be the memories that follow you the rest of your life.
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Imho, stop the visits for a while since they are upsetting.
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YES - it is not her you are visiting and it is the disease talking. Once someone ceases to recognise you then visiting often causes more upset for the carers because it agitates the resident and they get a lot of hassles after you have left. She doesn't know if people have visited or not so there is no benefit to you doing so. Look after your own health and leave her to be as settled as she can be. You are not letting your aunt down or failing to do what you can for her - unfortunately you have reached the point where you can do nothing and its your health you should now be thinking of.
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In short yes you don’t deserve to be treated like this I know she is unwell but maybe stick to the phone calls and cut down on the visits as it’s not doing you any good good luck
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You need to remember her behavior is due to the disease. It’s not her. Do not take it personal. They don’t understand and trying to change her mind won’t work. Try to change the subject.,how about a snack?? Let’s go for a walk…The weather sure is beautiful today. .. it can be exhausting so remember take care of you also.
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ShirleyB Jun 2021
I don't know why you would continue to subject yourself to this kind of abuse. It certainly isn't helping her in any way and it's a total "downer" for you. What purpose does it serve...if she's being taken care of...is she living alone? or in a "care" situation? If her needs are being taken care of, don't continue to be her whipping post. Get your life back and take care of yourself.
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Yes.

If she's being well taken care of, you have no obligation to be abused for one second longer. Disease does not discriminate. It comes upon good people and bad. It sounds like she has had a lifelong practice of disrespectful, demanding behaviors, and it is not altogether out of character for her to be nasty. Life is hard enough.
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Yes, hire someone that will be patient & kind.
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How frequently have you been visiting her?
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I can empathize. My Alzheimer's-ridden mom would accuse my husband and me of stealing her purse (which had $5 in it and a lipstick), when she couldn't find it, (because she hid it), and she'd tell me, at times, to "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm.' " She'd never say that to anyone about anything before Alzheimer's, let alone to me, about nothing. I even wrote about our travails in a book entitled "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's tale." I tried not to take insults personally.
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My mom lived with us for 12 years as she struggled with dementia. Prior to the disease she was always loving and happy. As she descended into the disease she began to change. At one point, in a very nice restaurant, and totally unprovoked, she suddenly began screaming that my husband and I were trying to kill her. Another time, at home, she started yelling at me for no apparent reason. I stepped out of the room for about a minute and then returned. She had completely calmed down, looked straight at me and asked where “that woman” had gone. I realized then that it was all a sad trick her mind was playing on her. So I calmly replied , “I knew you didn’t like her, so I told her to leave”. Mom’s response was a very thankful sounding, “Good”.

You really can’t take these outbursts personally- the person suffering with dementia can’t really react anymore like the someone we used to know. But if your aunt is well cared for, and not in any personal harm without your visits, you might want to stay away or limit your visits to when YOU feel comfortable. This is unfortunately just another phase of the disease. You’re expecting a normal or reasonable response from your aunt. Unfortunately, that’s a thing of the past. Things don’t get “better” with dementia, no matter how many times you try to “fix” the situation. They just keep evolving in a mostly unpredictable pattern. Take care of yourself first.
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What are you doing for her? It appears she is paranoid about her life, and possibly was like this prior to her illness. Are you her Next of kin legally? Are you her POA? What responsibility do you have? At times, many of us attempt to do the impossible and not qualified to deal with emotions that surface from neglecting ourselves. If you are feeling like a martyr do so, but if you are wrecking your life trying to see after someone who feels entitled, and recall no one has this disease 24-7, many times they are lucid and continue to act out because they get their way and can be very mean to loved ones because they want to hurt others with their ways of losing control. Perhaps, give space to all of this, let her know do not sneak about, just let her know you are emotionally burned out, and if you are tied legally to her, why so many desire to get beaten up for what,? She has money? Be careful people live a long time with this disease, all should recognize limitations before taking on all.of these added burdens. No amount of money in the world will force me to live a life that is not respectable and I do not intend to spend my last days dealing with people who were not that nice when they were lucid, and yet the disease manifests these traits more and no one is going to change this. It is up to you, your life live it and no one deserves to be tied to the ruins, but having money make many people do many things and guess most people with money are very aware that they can treat you any way they want and get away with it. True character is being free from this idea, the poor have it better, they can like you or not, they are still poor, and thus do not make it their problem to kiss up for what you got. Decide your course. Your aunt decided hers and lived it and is still in charge, she is not narcissistic, she is manipulative as most with money tend to be., yet you can just walk. You are free.
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If it's upsetting to you, then I would at least limit the amount of time that you are there.
I did like the idea shared by another. Try leaving the room and get the "other" you to return. Maybe she'll be nice?😏
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This woman has dementia and is broken and YOU are a FOOL to put up with it. There is nothing you can do with the relationship - you do not deserve her behavior. Just simply do what you need to do behind the scenes for her but do not visit. She is causing the separateness from those around her - not you. You should NOT tolerate this for a single moment, nor anyone else. Leave her be in the bed she made for herself. Tend to you and what makes YOU happy and content.
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YES stop visiting your aunt.
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No need to placate her or upset yourself in these visits. It is vital that someone is advocating for her and making sure her care is good. Either make that be you from a safe emotional and physical distance or have someone else do it. Every NH resident needs visits to ensure the care is good. I’ve seen people visit without the person ever knowing it, doing a check in with the staff and seeing the person from a distance
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Remember narcissist love to play head games, Id stay home
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Be yourself - always. Also, get somebody with medical authority to address her anxiety and agitation. She can't remember, so she gets angry and paranoid. She tries to control her life in ways that upset you - and most likely everybody else. A mild anti-anxiety medication may help her to relax more and be less abrasive. Also, consider what is reasonable as far as visiting her goes - and do that.
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No, she has a disease that she CANNOT help. What if you get the same disease? Would you want everyone to desert you? My own mother smacked me and called me terrible names but then the next day she would tell me how much she loved me. She passed 2 months ago and I NEVER left her. She was precious to me, even though she didn't know me most days. I would give anything to have her back. If you stop seeing her you will feel guilty. She doesn't have that much time on Earth so she is the priority for now. Cherish her, tell her you love her...time is fleeting.
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Anndis
It is very disheartening when a person reaches this stage of the disease. My mom always remembered that she had a daughter and my name but not my face It helped a lot when I stopped having expectations, I would just visit her and let her decide who I was (Her sister, a Coworker or a classmate). I would greet her with a big smile and say “hi girl” and that always worked because I think it made her feel like she knew who I was . At least it made my visits easier for her and also allowed me to monitor her closely. When your aunt becomes demanding have an exit plan and leave. I hope this works out for you.
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The word narcissistic gets thrown around a lot... I'd actually just think Alzheimer's Disease covers it.

If the visits now upset you or her & is having limited (or no) positive impact, then, yeah, it's OK to either wind them back in frequency or cease visiting.

If it helps - the old fashioned way was to visit until people no longer knew you.
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