dear dot, and everyone on the forum. happy new year 2021!!! i hope everyone is doing ok!
dear dot...regarding verbal abuse...i think the trouble with verbal abuse is that the abusers feel good when they abuse: in other words, it won’t stop. you can do a million nice things for the abuser, and they might be nice for a while, but the abuse will always return — even if you’re helping with a million things. why? because abusing makes them feel good! it’s very common between mother and daughter...some mothers are jealous of their daughters, so the mothers verbally abuse their daughters. they don’t want you to look good. if you’re doing so many kind things, you look good. but they want you to look bad. and they feel good, get a high, when they abuse, complain, make you feel bad, make you frown. they might want to destroy your smile. i think, for them (whether it is a female or male abuser), it’s about winning. they feel they’re winning when they criticize you and make you feel bad, when they destroy you. they want you to be miserable. then, once in a while, they sprinkle some nice words. then, the abuse comes back. they don’t change.
dear dot, in your case, i don’t know if your husband has always been that way. it’s true, dementia can totally change someone’s personality: a kind person can become a mean person.
if he was mean also before, well...abusers don’t change.
you’ll notice what when you get away (even for a few hours; preferably some days; or more), that you feel like you’re in heaven. the abuse is gone. suddenly silence seems wonderful. (some people can’t get away from caregiving even for a day, i understand.)
unkindness does damage us. usually one also sees physical signs (like putting on weight from stress/being abused). it’s hard to be flourishing, while you’re being abused.
i hope you can find good solutions.
some things don’t really have a solution: for example some people will continue abusing their caregiver forever.
i hope you find a way! one way, might be:
if your husband really loves you, and wants the best for you, what would he want you to do? would he want you to protect yourself? for example stop caregiving?
you love him. cared/care for him. now what about his love for you? if he could think clearly, and he loves you dearly, what would he wish for you?
we must not waste our lives.
i think for some people (i’m just talking about some people), caregiving can even become an excuse for why they didn’t succeed in their dreams, or other aspects of life. some people might say, “i never got a chance to do X, Y...because i was taking care of my loved one.”
...but taking care of our loved ones, includes finding ways to make sure we go for our dreams/personal goals/wishes too. if it doesn’t include that, then how much does our loved one, love us?
our loved ones want us to succeed, be happy too!
also — as i’ve discovered, caregiving often, unfairly, lands in the lap of 1 person. balancing loved one/me becomes hard. but keep thinking: if my loved one loves me too, what would they want for me?
i'll add a comment to my own comment above. i hope everyone on this forum is doing ok! i hope 2021 is starting well for you!!! :)
regarding verbal abuse: the abusers taunt, pick fights, cry, lie (you're probably doing wonderful things for them all the time, and the only way for them to criticize you is by inventing bad things about you; lying), scream, play the victim. all this bad behavior makes them feel good.
they especially taunt you. it's INTENTIONAL. they chose you as a TARGET, sometimes years ago. you'll notice they don't treat all people the same way. that's because they can absolutely control to whom they speak badly/nicely.
they want to provoke YOU. the worse they paint you/describe you/criticize you, the better they feel about themselves. it's their way of feeling good!
that's why it'll never stop -- no matter how nice you are to the abuser.
i would say, it's evil. it's not just bad, abusive. it's evil.
how does one heal from abuse? does "grey rock" work (showing no emotion when the abuser tries to provoke you)? i think it depends on how much of an abuser the abuser is. some abusers might start behaving better when they see they get no reaction. but some abusers (unfortunately i know such people), only get worse. they scream louder, throw things, say even more hurtful things. there is no way/solution against that abuse. i think it's possible that one searches and searches for solutions to lessen the pain of the abuse, tries all techniques one finds ("grey rock", etc.), and it doesn't work! some things can't be stopped.
some abusers will just get worse and worse, no matter what technique you use.
it's like being in a bad/abusive relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife)...the only real way of ending the abuse, is to end the relationship.
but since you're loving/caring, despite the abuse, you want to continue loving/caring for the abuser.
forums/youtube can give temporary relief, but it's hard to get real, lasting relief from abuse. the more you smile, the more they might try to attack you.
how does one heal from it? the trouble is, after a few hours, you might heal from the last abuse -- but a few minutes later, you might get abused again, and that'll only open up the wound again. and this continues daily.
re-opening the wound. exhaustion. they want that.
indeed, one might discover, that one's loved one, doesn't love us, very much! in some cases, the reality might be, that the love is simply not reciprocal.
in the case of mothers/daughters, i think it's possible some mothers hate their daughters. that might make sense of a lot of the verbal abuse. "now i understand why my mother treated me like this for years," one might say.
"make yourself unavailable" is some people's advice. take away the target (you). or at least, decrease the amount of time you are available.
i think being in an abusive situation is tough. these abusers throw garbage onto you. they feel good, you feel bad. you then need hours/days to recover.
somehow, we must think of our own well-being/protection. i hope you can find a way of not being a target --- and a way, so that the abuser, who sees this as a situation of win/lose, doesn't "win", doesn't destroy you, not even making you frown at all, ever. --succeed in your life, as much as possible (personal life, professional life, happy, etc.). it's the best way. they want to take your smile away. some abusers might even want you to end up jobless, homeless, etc.
Dot, is this new behavior? Do you have family? You may be looking at needing to move away from your husband if he refuses care. You may need to see a Lawyer about options for separation of finances, and leaving your home. What support do you have.
I agree with Ann Reid that he needs a medical check up to rule out physical problems such as UTI. In the meantime while you make arrangements you could try cheerful non-enabling. That is - if it is safe to do so - do not react to mean comments or to paranoid behaviour. You could say "Well there's no getting any sense/pleasant conversation out of you at the moment John" etc, in a pleasant and calm voice like nurses do, acknowledging the behaviour but not engaging. If it is dementia a pleasant way of engaging with the paranoia so it is validated and made less frightening/agitating seems to be what most people find best. This can, yes, be exhausting - so postponing strategies and/or distraction is important too.
If he has been diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s/dementia, his damaged brain is causing him to perceive his reality as different from what it really is, and also to be unable to “filter” what he says to you.
In addition, he may be becoming unable to make sense of what happens around him, causing him to react negatively to a lot of what he “thinks” is happening (paranoia).
If this is a drastic change from his typical functioning he needs a physical to rule out physical conditions than can produce changes in mental functioning.
Whatever the situation, it is very important that he be seen by a doctor regularly.
dear dot...regarding verbal abuse...i think the trouble with verbal abuse is that the abusers feel good when they abuse: in other words, it won’t stop. you can do a million nice things for the abuser, and they might be nice for a while, but the abuse will always return — even if you’re helping with a million things. why? because abusing makes them feel good! it’s very common between mother and daughter...some mothers are jealous of their daughters, so the mothers verbally abuse their daughters. they don’t want you to look good. if you’re doing so many kind things, you look good. but they want you to look bad. and they feel good, get a high, when they abuse, complain, make you feel bad, make you frown. they might want to destroy your smile. i think, for them (whether it is a female or male abuser), it’s about winning. they feel they’re winning when they criticize you and make you feel bad, when they destroy you. they want you to be miserable. then, once in a while, they sprinkle some nice words. then, the abuse comes back. they don’t change.
dear dot, in your case, i don’t know if your husband has always been that way. it’s true, dementia can totally change someone’s personality: a kind person can become a mean person.
if he was mean also before, well...abusers don’t change.
you’ll notice what when you get away (even for a few hours; preferably some days; or more), that you feel like you’re in heaven. the abuse is gone. suddenly silence seems wonderful. (some people can’t get away from caregiving even for a day, i understand.)
unkindness does damage us.
usually one also sees physical signs (like putting on weight from stress/being abused). it’s hard to be flourishing, while you’re being abused.
i hope you can find good solutions.
some things don’t really have a solution: for example some people will continue abusing their caregiver forever.
i hope you find a way!
one way, might be:
if your husband really loves you, and wants the best for you, what would he want you to do? would he want you to protect yourself? for example stop caregiving?
you love him. cared/care for him. now what about his love for you? if he could think clearly, and he loves you dearly, what would he wish for you?
we must not waste our lives.
i think for some people (i’m just talking about some people), caregiving can even become an excuse for why they didn’t succeed in their dreams, or other aspects of life. some people might say, “i never got a chance to do X, Y...because i was taking care of my loved one.”
...but taking care of our loved ones, includes finding ways to make sure we go for our dreams/personal goals/wishes too. if it doesn’t include that, then how much does our loved one, love us?
our loved ones want us to succeed, be happy too!
also — as i’ve discovered, caregiving often, unfairly, lands in the lap of 1 person.
balancing loved one/me becomes hard.
but keep thinking: if my loved one loves me too, what would they want for me?
hug!!
courage to all of us!!
2021 brings hope, luck, and a fresh start!!
i'll add a comment to my own comment above.
i hope everyone on this forum is doing ok!
i hope 2021 is starting well for you!!! :)
regarding verbal abuse:
the abusers taunt, pick fights, cry, lie (you're probably doing wonderful things for them all the time, and the only way for them to criticize you is by inventing bad things about you; lying), scream, play the victim.
all this bad behavior makes them feel good.
they especially taunt you. it's INTENTIONAL. they chose you as a TARGET, sometimes years ago. you'll notice they don't treat all people the same way. that's because they can absolutely control to whom they speak badly/nicely.
they want to provoke YOU.
the worse they paint you/describe you/criticize you, the better they feel about themselves. it's their way of feeling good!
that's why it'll never stop -- no matter how nice you are to the abuser.
i would say, it's evil.
it's not just bad, abusive. it's evil.
how does one heal from abuse? does "grey rock" work (showing no emotion when the abuser tries to provoke you)? i think it depends on how much of an abuser the abuser is. some abusers might start behaving better when they see they get no reaction. but some abusers (unfortunately i know such people), only get worse. they scream louder, throw things, say even more hurtful things. there is no way/solution against that abuse. i think it's possible that one searches and searches for solutions to lessen the pain of the abuse, tries all techniques one finds ("grey rock", etc.), and it doesn't work! some things can't be stopped.
some abusers will just get worse and worse, no matter what technique you use.
it's like being in a bad/abusive relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife)...the only real way of ending the abuse, is to end the relationship.
but since you're loving/caring, despite the abuse, you want to continue loving/caring for the abuser.
forums/youtube can give temporary relief, but it's hard to get real, lasting relief from abuse. the more you smile, the more they might try to attack you.
how does one heal from it?
the trouble is, after a few hours, you might heal from the last abuse -- but a few minutes later, you might get abused again, and that'll only open up the wound again.
and this continues daily.
re-opening the wound.
exhaustion. they want that.
indeed, one might discover, that one's loved one, doesn't love us, very much! in some cases, the reality might be, that the love is simply not reciprocal.
in the case of mothers/daughters, i think it's possible some mothers hate their daughters. that might make sense of a lot of the verbal abuse. "now i understand why my mother treated me like this for years," one might say.
"make yourself unavailable" is some people's advice.
take away the target (you).
or at least, decrease the amount of time you are available.
i think being in an abusive situation is tough.
these abusers throw garbage onto you.
they feel good, you feel bad. you then need hours/days to recover.
somehow, we must think of our own well-being/protection.
i hope you can find a way of not being a target --- and a way, so that the abuser, who sees this as a situation of win/lose, doesn't "win", doesn't destroy you, not even making you frown at all, ever.
--succeed in your life, as much as possible (personal life, professional life, happy, etc.). it's the best way. they want to take your smile away. some abusers might even want you to end up jobless, homeless, etc.
hug!
Do you have family?
You may be looking at needing to move away from your husband if he refuses care. You may need to see a Lawyer about options for separation of finances, and leaving your home.
What support do you have.
In addition, he may be becoming unable to make sense of what happens around him, causing him to react negatively to a lot of what he “thinks” is happening (paranoia).
If this is a drastic change from his typical functioning he needs a physical to rule out physical conditions than can produce changes in mental functioning.
Whatever the situation, it is very important that he be seen by a doctor regularly.