I posted about confronting my dad about his hidden plans to move, now he is really making arrangements, ie uhaul, place to stay, what he is taking, get boxes, etc. I have decided that if he is really as miserable as he claims then who am I to stop him. I want to be able to choose and have made the arrangements to be able to have my choices. He on the other hand expects everyone and anyone that he ever bought anything for or helped in any way, to now start paying back for what he did for them in the form of letting him move in to their home. If he is told that is not an option he goes on the attack. He asked my husband and myself if we would help him move to our city as he was getting a divorce and wanted to start over, okay, we will help. Brief history or maybe not: 20 years ago he got involved with a young woman, two kids, husband and decided that he would pursue a relationship there. She left her husband and he hooked her up as his mistress, house, cars, boats, horses, fancy vacations and and and...He eventually was found out and wife said choose. Yep, you guessed it the 30 years younger thing. He then alienated all of his friends and family, she was a master manipulator, could not take all if his money with others buzzing warnings. He willing went down that path, told me to never f****ng call him again. Fast forward, he is a 73 year old obese, unhealthy, incontinent, broke old man who has an aversion to a toothbrush. Awful. So of course she finds another victim and he is left with nothing. I could not but agree to help, I was an unwanted child and both of my parents made it a point to instill this knowledge in me as far back as I can remember, so I have a hard time saying no when someone is all alone, I think of the times when I so wished I had someone to help me, I by the way am a well adjusted, happily married woman and feel that I am strong because of what I faced, however the soft spot, stupid spot, whatever you want to call it about helping anyone who asks, with boundaries. So, unknown by us, he had planned to come live with us at our expense and pay the ex-wifes bills. I had made it very clear that we would help him in anyway possible as long as no money was going to help her in any way shape or form. She is younger than me and has her own children, I watched as she drained him of everything he ever had, so she gets nothing more from us. Over the years we have had to pay rent, buy him glasses and other things.
So, current day, we pick him up, move him to our city and 4 days later (He was sick and living in squalor) he ends up in the hospital and SNF for 60 days. During this time is when we found out about him paying her bills, stopped that. Because of his condition and the past relationship, AL was the obvious solution, I found one that has young people running it, he is still 18 in his head, he could self pay, they let him have his dog and all of his NEEDS would be met. Now he is leaving, going back to his previous town and saying We forced him to come here then abandoned him. OMG, I can not wrap my mind around the venomous hate directed at my husband and myself. Is this because of the dementia or just his personality or both? He is looking to me to haul him around, take him to lunch all the while telling everyone that will listen what a no good, lying F****ng b***h I am. His caregivers are telling me I have to take him back because he doesn't have the stamina or eyesight to get there safely and since I forced him to come it's only right. Not happening, he will die back there, no one to care or help, I can't help him commit suicide. Why do I feel crazy about this and is it wrong to want him to just leave me alone. He constantly tells me he is going to do what he wants, when he wants and how he wants. Okay?!?!? All I see are narcissistic behaviour and bad choices but, these are nothing new. I do love him, i just don't want to be treated poorly by anyone, much less by someone who obviously could care less about anyone but himself. Do i intervene or just wish him luck, he has made me feel unhinged with all of his nonsense. Any advise?
