I'm 32 years old, I'm a survivor of childhood emotional abuse and neglect as well as physical abuse, which in turn lead me to have a low self worth and ultimately, lead to my decision to get married in my late teens (adult) of course. I married had children and this turned out to be a very toxic marriage, I'm now a DV survivor. I worked very hard to get some level of independence. However my mom has been my first abuser for years and not only that but she's made it nearly impossible for me as an adult not to need her, from trying to brainwash me that everyone that's not her is only coming in my life to destroy my life, to every single man on this earth is a Jeffrey Epstein she has an unhealthy obsession with predators, we all know they exist and I myself as an SA survivor I know what to look out for and the proper precautions to take, but this seems to be her way of keeping me from getting in a relationship or ever getting married again. I'm in no rush but I noticed she works extra hard to make sure I have no time alone that I always have at least one child with me and they have to report back to her everything. Im 32 and I still don't have a driver's license, where I live it's unattainable without someone kind enough to let you borrow their car and driving schools don't allow their cars to be used for the road test, it wasn't a priority for my mom to teach me when I was a teen, and my toxic ex husband refused to allow me to drive, so I've been in this decade long fight trying to get a driver's license on my own, Im unable to keep jobs or have any stability due to this and co workers quickly lose respect for me when they see me being picked up and dropped off by my mom and my kids all in the back of the car. I had one opportunity to buy a proper running car during the pandemic but because I was staying with her due to a move she begged and begged me to not buy a car, and unfortunately where I live from my knowledge you cant buy a car without a license I had no one to register it with. I'm really in the dark about car buying I try to figure it out but I have no help, but the fact she begged me to not buy a car knowing I'm a single mom made me question her intensions? I worked and worked over the years busting my a** on min wage jobs losing them due to transportation issues mainly, and my final straw was after my mom met me after work after I Uber'd home and she beat me with a heavy duty tripod upside my head striking me multiple times until I collapsed and that wasn't good enough she had my brother who very large in height and weight pin me down so that I couldn't escape then when I somehow managed to get out of it, she told him to go and get the gun to shoot me with(he didn't). All of this occured after a bad argument we had and I told her I was leaving and that I was taking the kids with me after she called social services on me and then lied and said the neighbor did it, and told several different stories, whatever narrative she tried to spin, and whatever response they had sent her into rage, but idk how true her story is, or if by me saying I was leaving and taking the kids , it sent her into a rage. I'm permanently traumatized 4 broken teeth later, she really made sure to try and disfigure me. the assault left me painfully hurt, confused and I had to resign from my job, we moved out a month later, fast forward it's been almost two years since that happened and me distancing myself trying to get my life in order, but a struggle with no access to transportation, I occasionally rely on her for rides or I'm forced to have to report to her if I use ride share which is rare, she is constantly trying to find opportunities to be a part of my regular daily life, using things that I would have normally said yes to out being necessity, but I will pay double on grocery delivery, I've been unemployed on snap benefits almost a year, all she talks about is me getting a job and her watching my kids or us going to work the same job togeth

Get yourself to a Family Shelter. Now. Call social services and allow them to guide you.

You need to cut contact--ALL CONTACT--with this demon you call "MTHR".
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
sp196902 Jan 9, 2024
This 100%. A family shelter will help the OP find a job and even get housing, etc. And yes the OP will need to consider her mother dead once she and her kids are out of that house and safe.
The next time either your mother or your brother lay a hand on you, you call 911 and have them arrested. Then follow through and prosecute.

You are describing a situation that is extremely dangerous, to both you AND your children! If mom or brother injures you to the point of hospitalization - or worse, they kill you "accidentally" - who will care for your kids then?

A shelter would be safer than this situation you find yourself in! They will not only give you a safe place to lay your heads at night, but likely will have access to programs to help you achieve independence, including, I'll bet, access to a driving school that can assist you in getting your license.

There is help out there for you and your kids, but YOU are the one who needs to be proactive and find it. It won't come to you.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to notgoodenough
Report is affordable, accessible online therapy. You need boundaries and you need to defend them.

You seem to have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with your Mother, otherwise how do you explain your inability to ban her from your life? She is no helpless. And if you have kids and are allowing this woman into your life, this is a YOU problem, not a her problem.

As hard as it may be you need to learn how to live completely without her (not asking for rides or anything from her). Others will post about Gray Rock and F.O.G. Please take their advice.

I'm an elder in my church and I will suggest you contact churches to ask for help: financial, transportation, job opportunities. You don't have to be a member or even a believer. You may have to contact several. My church is not big but we help people in similiar situations like yours all the time. We have a dedicated Benevolent Fund (which is just for charitable uses). People in need just walk in or call. Please use this resource.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Geaton777
sp196902 Jan 9, 2024
I would recommend a women's shelter before a church. Some churches can be an excellent resource; but many (too many) fall short and would not be equipped to help this OP. I just don't want her to try a church and have them fail her and she gives up and goes back to her abusive mother's house.

My grandmother's mother was married to an abuser and went to the Catholic Church with all her kids and the church told her to go back to her husband. Granted this was like in the 1800's but it still happens even in 2024. Plus many don't believe a 30 something year old woman can be abused by their own parent. But they are and can be as we see with the OP and many others who have posted here.
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I believe that at 32 you cannot be abused by this woman, but the fact you WERE so badly abused has left you entrapped. I would leave home for a homeless shelter. There you are going to find social workers and resources to guide you to work, psychological counseling and etc.
The awful thing is that you have been enmeshed in this a long time, and you will need to take it slowly and step by step, working up to jobs, friendships with those who can teach you to drive and loan their car for testing. You and your very ill mother are now terribly intertwined with one another. You need PROFESSIONAL help.

I would go to any faith based churches in your area. I have never heard of any so benevolent as Geaton's (advice below) but I know her, trust her, and if her church exists perhaps others do as well. At the very least you would be some guidance and phone numbers I would hope.

Your question doesn't really involve elder/agingcare. But I am very glad you reached out to us and I hope you continue to reach out just EVERYWHERE to break the co-dependency you have with your very ill and limited mom.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to AlvaDeer

PS regarding the original question "How do I gently get her to let go?"

By moving out of her reach.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Beatty

I'm so sorry for your horrible situation. You don't get your mother to let go. YOU let go. Move and leave no forwarding address. She broke your teeth and you still see her?? NO WAY honey. It won't be easy but get into some therapy and break the cycle now. Do it for you and for your children. You owe her NOTHING!! Block her from your phone and everything. Stand up for yourself.

Instead of worrying about having a license, move to where there are buses or subways or downtown where you can walk to work and services that you need. There are solutions and you need to cut your mom out and become independent. Start ASAP. You deserve better.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to againx100

There are shelters that will not reveal your location. You can take your children with you.

Please contact a shelter in your area. You will meet other women who have been where you are. You will receive a hand up from people who can steer you in the right direction.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Please cut ties with your ‘so called’ mother. She is a mother in name only. You don’t owe this woman a damn thing! You deserve to live a normal life.

Wishing you all the best.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

There is help for Survivors of Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Psychological abuse.
You need to break all ties with your mother.
You are allowing this abuse affect and effect your children.
To break all ties with her will take another big step and it is frightening. Sort of like a doctor amputating a foot to save the leg, it is painful but it has to be done sometimes in order to save the life.

PLEASE listen/read the posts that others will write with sage advice.
(Please do not let her watch your kids...(and how is she planning on watching your kids if she is going to work with you?) this is another way to keep you down.)
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Grandma1954
Longsufferer Jan 10, 2024
Yeah it sounds a little silly, I also have my brother who lives with her tbh she never really truly watched them, my brother would, I used to come home from work and the kids would be roaming downstairs and she'd be in her room with the door shut. stopped letting her watch my kids a long time ago sometimes my brother would be downstairs cooking for them, but not always, and I would pay her to watch them when I really should've been paying my brother because he was the one at least putting the minimum effort in. My older kids no longer trust my mom after what she did, they rarely want to be around her and my younger kids don't really know any better, they just love her and see her as grandma.

Idk if my mom wanting to do everything with me is a sense of guilt and her trying to find ways to be like how things were prior to that incident or if it's all some goal to stalk me and keep an eye on everything I'm doing, it just feels really weird and copy cat, it's like I can't have any identity of my own. I went to school for something suddenly she wants to do the same exact thing in the same exact field.

I go to work she wants to work that same job, but refuses to go to work any other time, for a long time I was the household bread winner even after I had already moved out, while her and my brother just did what they've been doing, stay home, in peoples business on social media lay around the house and have their hand out not only for bills but non essentials and I would just give it to them.

At that time I was working from home, but that quickly phased out they started sending people back into the office and I couldn't get there.

As of right now I have to sneak and get a job, because things have just gotten so bad financially, I will have to walk 4 miles per day to it if I get hired, my goal is to save up enough to get myself a car and find someone who can privately teach me how to drive for an affordable cost.

The driving schools want around 1000 dollars for just a few lessons and I took lessons in the past but all the school ever did was tell me, I need to practice on the days I'm not doing the driving school with a "friend" or "family member" and the schools don't do pick up you have to go there and it's illegal to use the school car for the road test in my state, it used to didn't be but it had something to do with car jackings and they put that law in place and it's just another block.

My oldest are teenagers so they can watch the youngest for a few hours,so that I can go to work. It's just maneuvering around my mom and her excessive calling and her unannounced visits, thankfully her car is not running.

If she gets wind that im going back to work for an in person job, because of us living about a half hour away, she will try and stay with me in my house to give me rides to and from work and to "watch the kids" and she's going to know everything, my schedule down to my pay day and be in my pocket, it will be cutting my nose off to spite my face.

Once I get a car and a license I do plan on leaving the state, I've tried to escape before but it just didnt work out without a car.
You do need therapy to help you learn tools to get away from this woman. You should have reported her and your brother for beating you. Mom should have been made to pay for your injuries. Also, some jail time. You have to know your relationship with Mom is not normal. She also hasva problem thinking that your life belongs to her.

Get to your Local Social Service office and allow them to set u up in a place to live. You should get food stamps and Medicaid for health. Once you get set up and kids situated do not tell Mom where ur. Tell no one who may tell her. Ask Social Service about training so u can get a good job. Get that license. There are driving schools that will take u to the test. Maybe they will take payments. Have your mail dlvrd to a UPS box. Once the Post Office has ur address, it ends up on the internet. Ck with UPS if this happens. You must break away completely from ur Mom and brother. You take no phone calls or texts. You block them from ur email. Your children should not be exposed to this abuse. If Mom and brother show up. You call the police. Do not allow them to enter your home. Maybe call the police ahead to give them a heads up.

This won't be easy because this is all you know. But u have children and need to protect them. It won't be easy but you will find a way.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JoAnn29

You sound like an adult who passes around a lot of blame for what your life is like but won't accept any of it yourself.

Life is what you make it, my friend. I too married my first husband when I was a teenager (no kids) and I have a mother very much like yours. Really though, it's time for you to grow up and take some responsibility for youself and your kids. Mom "brainwashing" you and other assorted nonsense is just that. Nonsense.

If your mother violently assaulted you, have her arrested. Then go to an abused womens' center because you're living in a dangerous domestic violence situation. They will help you. It's a safe place and they'll get you into programs that can help you get a job and take care of yourself.

You say your kids live with you. Where is their father or fathers? They should be living with their other parent because you have them in a dangerous situation. So take some responsibility for their sake and get them away from your mother.

If you have minor children you are no doubt receiving child support for them and your SNAP benefit also extends to them. So you have some money to work with. Also, if you're unemployed, have kids, and are on SNAP you are eligible for job training through that program and it's free.

You have to take some steps to help yourself here. So stop complaining about how your mother is ruining your life and call your SNAP case worker and ask how you can get enrolled in some job training. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to BurntCaregiver

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