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My husband and I both moved away from our home state for various reasons (college, work) in our early 20’s. We ended up moving permanently to in 2007. In 2015, I was able to convince my parents (which was very difficult) to move closer to us because I am close with my mom and I had 2 kids they wanted to live near.
My husband, out of the blue, was called by a recruiter for an amazing career opportunity several states away. He went to the interview and out of only 2-3 applicants, he got the job. This is one of those jobs that, for a 30-something year old, doesn’t come up often. Great career growth and much more pay.
My parents are extremely hurt and angry that my husband would consider leaving, uprooting the family and moving them to another state since they moved down here for us. I’m struggling because I feel the pull from both ends. I’m very close with my mom but I see the amazing opportunity my husband has been presented (not to mention the financial security in the future).
My parents, and I to a point, are concerned they will lose their bond with their grandkids too. They have another option to not be alone and move to be with my brother and his family who have no plans at all in leaving.
I feel so guilty leaving for so many reasons. They’re aging and I have always felt I’d be the one to take care of them. And yet, I have a family & future of my own to consider.
Also, the relationship between my mother and husband have shifted terribly. They blame each other for one reason or another.
I am so distraught by this and would value each and every opinion/thought out there.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story!!

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I had the exact same situation happen when I was your age. Parents moved to Denver to be close to me and the 2 grandkids and then DH got a job offer he couldn't refuse in NYC. Why SHOULD he have refused such a once in a lifetime opportunity?? It had nothing to do with my parents and everything to do with OUR future, as it does with yours.

My parents could have moved back East to be close to us, but the cost of living was high so they moved to Florida instead. They were quite happy there and came to visit a couple times a year.

Stop allowing the guilt card to be used here and take this opportunity for your family. Celebrate, don't mourn. Your parents have the option to move as well.... it's not like you are going to the moon. They choose how to perceive this situation..... as a blessing for you or a curse for themselves.

How are YOU going to perceive it?

Best of luck!
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Harpcat Jan 24, 2020
I love your answer and the take on one’s attitude!
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I had a great childhood and great relationship with my parents through young adulthood. Then, they moved three houses away when they retired in their 60s. I thought it would be a good thing, boy was I wrong. They ended up with marital problems, substance abuse problems, then "aging" problems that you would have expected for much older people. I could have never seen this coming. Because they were getting "old" and had nobody but me, I could not move away and abandon them. Their situation has damaged my life for the past 10 years, and I'm 52 now and still dealing with it. It's damaged my career, mental health and limited my freedom & autonomy. If I could do it over again, I would move away when I still could have gotten away!
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whaleyf Jan 24, 2020
It's never too late to turn YOUR life around.
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You and your husband need to make the decision based on what is good for your family and your future. Moving does not mean that you will never see your parents again. Your parents might be frustrated but should not be taking it out on your husband - i assume they lived their lives, no?

They need to plan for aging - a plan that does not depend 100% on their daughter who has her own family to support.

Read some of the stories on here about others who became slaves and destroyed their finances and health doing so.
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disgustedtoo Jan 25, 2020
"Read some of the stories on here about others who became slaves and destroyed their finances and health doing so." Don't forget stories about the marriages destroyed too...
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This really has nothing to do with your parents, but has to do with your husband and your own decision whether to uproot your own nuclear family and make a move for this job opportunity. I am assuming you discussed before he applied whether you would consider moving.
I would explain to your parents that this is a decision between your husband and you whether to move or not. That you understand that your parents will miss you. And miss the grandkids. That this will be a difficult decision. That you will weigh ALL that is involved and make the best decision you are able, but UNTIL that decision is made it is best for you not to discuss it with them.
It would have been better to make the decision and then tell them one way or the other. There is no way not to feel torn by this. It means loss either way. Loss of an opportunity or loss of family connection. Come to a conclusion in your own mind. Do YOU want to make this move. Then discuss with hubby, come to conclusion. Then tell your parents the conclusion. Will there be tears and possible hard feelings? Sure. That's life. And on you go doing the best with it you are able. No good answer sometimes. Not everything has an ideal outcome.
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When u got married u were to put your marriage 1st. Though I understand your parents I absolutely think the right thing is to support your husband and stand by him in this..
Honestly your parents are being selfish. They could move with you guys to the new city or visit on a regular. They are not your responsibility but your husband and children are. Tell them they are wrong to blame your husband for doing what is right for his family..
If they want to be close to the grandkids but not move then get them a grandpa's and let the video chat as often as they see them now and help them financially if that is needed to visit.
Of course be gentle when you address them in love to help them see that the same way they did what was best for them when they got married that though u love them u must do the same. Hugs and prayers
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Just tell them you are moving again to be supportive of your Husband.

Let them know they are welcome to move closer to you again but you made Vows to your DH and you intend to honor them.

My parents followed me when I made a dream of my DH's come true, I brought him back home to his birthplace. My father was never prouder of me than when I told him I was going to help my DH follow his dream. My mother found excuses to move closer to my new home, 1200+ miles away. 8 weeks later, we were all together again.

YOU must decide to Honor your husband ahead of your parents - and tell them. We leave our parents to join with our spouses and make a new family.
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Of course your parents aren't thrilled about your moving... BUT!... surely they love you, yes? They want the best for you and your family, right? In that case they should support this! They should be happy this opportunity landed and would tell you you'd be nuts if you didn't take it.

I don't have kids myself, but most every well-adjusted parent I know, no matter their age, says the same thing: "I just want my kids to be happy." They want to see their adult children be happy, thriving, and moving up in the world. Sure the changes are hard, but all it means is a new normal. You're not moving across the world here.

When you moved, it wasn't carved in stone, was it? You're still young and the job world is different than it was in your parents' day. Back then, someone began working at a company in their 20s/30s and stayed until retirement. I read somewhere the average time a person stays in one company now is 3-7 years. Your folks may not realize how it is now.
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rovana Jan 22, 2020
So true. These days are very different and one has to expect almost constant change - you simply cannot count on much of anything being "forever". And this is also true for elders who have retired - still have to expect to cope just like the kids do.
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You ended up moving to TN but not permanently, apparently.

You talked your parents into joining you. But they're adults. It was their choice.
Your husband has this amazing opportunity. More amazing than the life you're already building in TN?

And what do YOU want?

I think you should probably stop trying to keep everybody happy and have a closer look at what is best* for your own immediate family, especially your children. And let others do the same.


*"Best" does not necessarily mean exciting glamorous rare job opportunity that a headhunter flatters you into accepting. What hard-nosed research into this potential employer has your husband done?
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Wish u had mentioned their ages. My inlaws moved to Fla when they were 68. No family near them. We in NJ, one in GA, one in MS. My FIL died at 71. My MIL chose to stay in FL and did well until she was 91.

If this is an opportunity that you and husband feel you can't give up, then take it. No, money isn't everything but it makes things easier especially when there r children. Its only been 5 years since ur parents moved from NY. They could move back, move to your area or move near brother. My GF lived in the suburbs and loved it.

Its really not fair of your parents to lay a guilt trip on you. This is not something your husband went looking for, they came to him. He must be very good at what he does.
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Your kids are young enough to adjust to a new town. Your parents are not old. I know a woman in her early 70s who just moved to Fla after living in NJ most their lives. I am 70 and if my daughter came home and said she had to move for her job, I would say take it. I would miss my grandson but I wouldn't stand in her way. They will have to adjust. Good time to start traveling. Finding new things to do together or separate. They need to make a life of there own.
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