Moving away from parents (again).

I'm 55. I can tell you one thing I have learned over the years, money is NOT everything.

Do you have a good support system there - friends, church, good schools, activities or are your parents the ONLY thing keeping you there? If there are other things you like or love about where you are currently living, I'd pass on the out of state job.

If your parents can and are willing to move to where your brother is located, that would be my second vote.

You and your husband need to make the decision based on what is good for your family and your future. Moving does not mean that you will never see your parents again. Your parents might be frustrated but should not be taking it out on your husband - i assume they lived their lives, no?

They need to plan for aging - a plan that does not depend 100% on their daughter who has her own family to support.

Read some of the stories on here about others who became slaves and destroyed their finances and health doing so.

This is a tough one, but I weigh in on the side of you and your family doing what is good for yourselves. I suppose you have some guilt and they have some bad feelings as - in your own words -  "I was able to convince my parents (which was very difficult) to move closer to us". I think if I was you or them I would not feel good about this either. They must feel abandoned.

Nonetheless, if the opportunity is as good as you say and that much better than what you have now for future security, then it seems right for your husband to take it.

I doubt that the bond with your kids and their grand parents will be broken. They have had 4-5 years of living close which I am sure has given much opportunity for interaction and sharing.

I understand your concern for your parents as they are aging and that you feel a burden for their care. I would wait till things calm down a bit before discussing now to handle their aging in terms of your role and your bros role. Is he on board with that?

Can you assure them of X number of visits a year to maintain bonds?

I also understand that they have hard feelings but am sorry your mum is taking it out on your husband.

Wishing you all the best in working this through with everyone.

I would look at this objectively and take your parents out of the equation. Write a list of pros and cons. Pro- your husband was offered a great job with more money. I don't know how old your kids are- are they in school, will they be upset about leaving their friends, etc. Are you excited about moving, is it a good area, good schools, etc. I don't think you should feel guilty about moving and I think its selfish of your parents to make you feel that way. Maybe they can move into an assisted living where they have activities with people their age? You can still visit them several times a year- it's not that far away. They can't expect you to give up what could be a great opportunity just so you can live near them. If you do end up moving there, I would give it some time and then let your parents decide what move they want to make or if they want to stay there. This doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" decision. Even if you move, assure your parents you will still see them, facetime with your children, etc. and you can still be close. Hope that helps!

This really has nothing to do with your parents, but has to do with your husband and your own decision whether to uproot your own nuclear family and make a move for this job opportunity. I am assuming you discussed before he applied whether you would consider moving.
I would explain to your parents that this is a decision between your husband and you whether to move or not. That you understand that your parents will miss you. And miss the grandkids. That this will be a difficult decision. That you will weigh ALL that is involved and make the best decision you are able, but UNTIL that decision is made it is best for you not to discuss it with them.
It would have been better to make the decision and then tell them one way or the other. There is no way not to feel torn by this. It means loss either way. Loss of an opportunity or loss of family connection. Come to a conclusion in your own mind. Do YOU want to make this move. Then discuss with hubby, come to conclusion. Then tell your parents the conclusion. Will there be tears and possible hard feelings? Sure. That's life. And on you go doing the best with it you are able. No good answer sometimes. Not everything has an ideal outcome.

When u got married u were to put your marriage 1st. Though I understand your parents I absolutely think the right thing is to support your husband and stand by him in this..
Honestly your parents are being selfish. They could move with you guys to the new city or visit on a regular. They are not your responsibility but your husband and children are. Tell them they are wrong to blame your husband for doing what is right for his family..
If they want to be close to the grandkids but not move then get them a grandpa's and let the video chat as often as they see them now and help them financially if that is needed to visit.
Of course be gentle when you address them in love to help them see that the same way they did what was best for them when they got married that though u love them u must do the same. Hugs and prayers

I had the exact same situation happen when I was your age. Parents moved to Denver to be close to me and the 2 grandkids and then DH got a job offer he couldn't refuse in NYC. Why SHOULD he have refused such a once in a lifetime opportunity?? It had nothing to do with my parents and everything to do with OUR future, as it does with yours.

My parents could have moved back East to be close to us, but the cost of living was high so they moved to Florida instead. They were quite happy there and came to visit a couple times a year.

Stop allowing the guilt card to be used here and take this opportunity for your family. Celebrate, don't mourn. Your parents have the option to move as well.... it's not like you are going to the moon. They choose how to perceive this situation..... as a blessing for you or a curse for themselves.

How are YOU going to perceive it?

Best of luck!

Wish u had mentioned their ages. My inlaws moved to Fla when they were 68. No family near them. We in NJ, one in GA, one in MS. My FIL died at 71. My MIL chose to stay in FL and did well until she was 91.

If this is an opportunity that you and husband feel you can't give up, then take it. No, money isn't everything but it makes things easier especially when there r children. Its only been 5 years since ur parents moved from NY. They could move back, move to your area or move near brother. My GF lived in the suburbs and loved it.

Its really not fair of your parents to lay a guilt trip on you. This is not something your husband went looking for, they came to him. He must be very good at what he does.

I had a great childhood and great relationship with my parents through young adulthood. Then, they moved three houses away when they retired in their 60s. I thought it would be a good thing, boy was I wrong. They ended up with marital problems, substance abuse problems, then "aging" problems that you would have expected for much older people. I could have never seen this coming. Because they were getting "old" and had nobody but me, I could not move away and abandon them. Their situation has damaged my life for the past 10 years, and I'm 52 now and still dealing with it. It's damaged my career, mental health and limited my freedom & autonomy. If I could do it over again, I would move away when I still could have gotten away!

"My husband, out of the blue, was called by a recruiter for an amazing career opportunity." Something similar happened to my brother in 2005. Out of the blue, he got a call from a recruiter, flew to the interview where he was wined and dined, got the offer for oodles of money, $25k signing bonus, professional movers/relocation, 100% 401k match, and signed a one year contract. He moved his family and did a great job getting the company's failing customer service department righted. At the end of the contract, he was fired.

I told him that their offer sounded too good to be true. I urged him to insist on nothing less than a 5 year contract. He didn't listen. He lost that career. It took years for him to get back on track. He drained all his savings keeping himself and his family afloat while he reinvented himself, which he has now done but golly, he endured everything along the way including severe depression.

Money isn't everything but it sure does help, right?! If your husband's offer sounds too good to be true, it may be too good to be true. I agree with writing a list of pros and cons. If a pro is a long-term contract, that's a good indicator that the company sees your husband being part of its future. Then it would make sense to move. Your parents can visit. You can visit.

Of course your parents aren't thrilled about your moving... BUT!... surely they love you, yes? They want the best for you and your family, right? In that case they should support this! They should be happy this opportunity landed and would tell you you'd be nuts if you didn't take it.

I don't have kids myself, but most every well-adjusted parent I know, no matter their age, says the same thing: "I just want my kids to be happy." They want to see their adult children be happy, thriving, and moving up in the world. Sure the changes are hard, but all it means is a new normal. You're not moving across the world here.

When you moved, it wasn't carved in stone, was it? You're still young and the job world is different than it was in your parents' day. Back then, someone began working at a company in their 20s/30s and stayed until retirement. I read somewhere the average time a person stays in one company now is 3-7 years. Your folks may not realize how it is now.

First, I want to truly thank everybody for their very thoughtful responses.
To answer a questions asked, my parents are 71 & 66 yo. They are very family-oriented and tend to rely on their kids and grandkids for their happiness. My parents don't have a happy marriage, never have. So, I believe a solid source of that happiness are their children and grandchildren. My mother is very upset because she thought she was moving as a permanent residence to be with family. I feel awful because I remember begging her to move and now I am leaving. I guess I am having a tough time getting over that one. They envisioned their lives here, have all their doctors here, etc and I feel like I am taking that away from them. It seems so very complicated.
Also, someone else asked about my kids ages: 5 & 7 yo.

Your kids are young enough to adjust to a new town. Your parents are not old. I know a woman in her early 70s who just moved to Fla after living in NJ most their lives. I am 70 and if my daughter came home and said she had to move for her job, I would say take it. I would miss my grandson but I wouldn't stand in her way. They will have to adjust. Good time to start traveling. Finding new things to do together or separate. They need to make a life of there own.

Can you sit down and explain to your parents that in the current economy, work opportunities simply cannot be ignored.  It is a different world!! Truly.  Consider that their move was reasonable and well planned BUT "Life is what happens when you are making other plans" - that is, it is simply not predictable and you cannot count on things staying the same.  Or better, you can count on things NOT staying the same. Are you able to explain to your mom that your husband is trying his best to provide financially for his family? Surely she can understand that, if she thinks about it.

I understand how the parents feel. You asked them to move there and they did and now you are leaving so I get why they are mad. With that said, you have to do what is best for your family. They can follow you, they are not elderly at this point.

My husband just retired at 70. I am looking for early retirement at 55 in a few years. We would like to move close to one of the kids to help when grand kids arrive. But I also know they are young and early on in a career so the possibility of multiple moves could happen. I can deal with that but I know once we move my husband will not want to move again. Being close to family is more important to me than location.

You ended up moving to TN but not permanently, apparently.

You talked your parents into joining you. But they're adults. It was their choice.
Your husband has this amazing opportunity. More amazing than the life you're already building in TN?

And what do YOU want?

I think you should probably stop trying to keep everybody happy and have a closer look at what is best* for your own immediate family, especially your children. And let others do the same.


*"Best" does not necessarily mean exciting glamorous rare job opportunity that a headhunter flatters you into accepting. What hard-nosed research into this potential employer has your husband done?

My husband just spoke to his current boss and notified him. Said it went well. My husband and I are about to close this chapter and start a new one. Signing the offer tonight. I am so very nervous as this makes this whole thing definite. Have to tell my parents soon so they’re not left hanging. Just some raw emotion right now.

I guess I could answer this better if I knew the age of mom and Dad..if they are under 70 I do not see the issue of you moving..if they are older they may need help relocating ...if they want to do that. Me, at 68, would not move near my working kids without knowing circumstances will most likely change over time..and I may get stranded somewhere...

Oh, all I can offer is a huge hug.

Same here: I had to move to NC for lots of good reasons and leave my mom in RC in PA. Its a twelve hour drive.

When I live din Pa I visited her EVERY DAY. Now I see her at best twice a year. I am a caregiver for my husband, etc.

It is very hard but you are not alone. I console myself with the fact that my mom sleeps almost 24/7 and is really only "present" during my visits for about ten minutes. Then she just wants to go back to bed.

Just one thought: they moved for you once. Why not ask them/help them to do it again?

I think it is unfair that you’re doing this after getting them to move. I would be upset with both of you. I told my husband I would never leave my state because I couldn’t leave my mother and he was fine with that.

Your parents moved to be with you, so why can't they move again to still be with you ??

Realistically you are in a co dependent relationship with your parents. This is why you feel so torn. You can not control their feelings but yet you feel responsible for them. This type of bond is not healthy. Your parents are my and my husband's age. He and I have lots of outside interests and hobbies. It’s time your parents learned to do the same. They, especially your mom seem to be a bit manipulative. They are young considering and should get out and get active for pity’s sake.
please don’t plan your life around their happiness...only THEIR attitudes are responsible for that.
you are making this harder than it needs to be.

I’ve been in the spot before having to move away from other family members for husband to take a better job. We moved from Oklahoma to Michigan. My parents and kids still have a strong bond even being apart. Now this year my husband transferred to Texas to be able to care for my folks they said they’d move to where we were transferred to. You have to do what is best for your family. It is a hard situation but it’s better for your family in the long run. Good luck.

Just tell them you are moving again to be supportive of your Husband.

Let them know they are welcome to move closer to you again but you made Vows to your DH and you intend to honor them.

My parents followed me when I made a dream of my DH's come true, I brought him back home to his birthplace. My father was never prouder of me than when I told him I was going to help my DH follow his dream. My mother found excuses to move closer to my new home, 1200+ miles away. 8 weeks later, we were all together again.

YOU must decide to Honor your husband ahead of your parents - and tell them. We leave our parents to join with our spouses and make a new family.

I too favor going to where the opportunity is. I was on the parent side of this several years ago. My son had moved away, then moved back here because they wanted to start and raise their family close to us. Soon after announcing they were having a second child they also announced they were moving away again. I admit it was a punch in the gut. And for me, I couldn't even speak when they first told us. I'm sure in addition to the thought of not having you close, I'm sure your parents are also mad because they moved to be close to you and your family.

That being said, they will adjust. They will realize it was their choice to move close to you and they also love you sooooo much as well as those beautiful grandchildren you have given them. We as parents have to realize our kids have their own lives. A hard lesson for me has been that what I want for my kids may not be what they want and I must accept that.
Go with your husband, live and love the life you have both worked for and deserve. Mom and dad will be okay and as long as visits occur and facetime happens. All will survive and thrive. It will be different than what they had thought, but believe me, life goes on even if your kids move away.
Good luck and blessings to you and your family.

I am probably going against most opinions here, but I think it's kind of crappy that you convinced your parents into moving from their state/home that they have always lived in to be near you and now you are leaving.  You and your family are the ONLY reason they moved. 

Moving when you're in your 30's is great, but repeatedly moving in your 60's and 70's is a different ballgame.  It's expensive and stressful.  They should have held their ground and not gone.  Now they probably don't know what to do...go back to NY?  Follow you again?  What if this job doesn't work out or what if it leads to another job in tin buck two. 

Your parents need to decide where they want to spend the last season of their lives regardless of what you and your husband are doing.

Your parents (should) have had enough life experience to know that a career change or advancement might have been in your future, even if it had not occurred to you. If one or both of them are putting your family through guilt, that is their problem, and a toxic way of dealing with their own stress. One reason they had to be pressured in the first move was probably bc they knew this possibility. And they chose to cave out of love for their grandkids—let’s face it, they wanted that connection. It was a worthwhile sacrifice for them, but one of them may have prodded the other so they could be having their own squabble about their next season of life.
A healthy way for them to have reacted to this news would have been to have either a spirit of adventure (“Here we go again!”) or in gratitude (“We were loved enough to be included and we had a wonderful 5 years.”)
Replying here was good for me.
I may face this in my future—I want to be a healthy and positive grandparent for all my grandkids!
By the way, my husband did a lot of work in Pittsburg and loved his travels there. The people were so down to earth and connected...they drew him in and made him feel like family. It’s one of the few places he invited me to join him—the William Penn hotel is exquisite and the seafood restaurant on the hilltop overlooking the rivers was scrumptious! All the best to you all.

I truly appreciate all of your honest and thoughtful feedback.
There are several offers I have made for my parents after this happened:

-we would pay for their move including the complete moving package where the moving company packs/boxes all of their items;
-I am planning on staying with my kids for an additional school year in order to help my parents prepare for a potential move to MO to be closer with my brother and his family;
-I offered paying for a furnished location in Pittsburgh for when they come to visit;
-we even offered to buy a 3rd car so when they come to visit they will have their own transportation.

My mother is not interested (right now) in taking me up on any of these except for allowing us to remain in her home until we are ready to go in May 2021 when the school year is over for my kids. It was very difficult for my husband to agree to a separation but he tried to understand my POV and work with me. Since we are both making sacrifices, I felt my husband could help me out by allowing me the extra time to make peace with my situation here in Nashville.

Your parents are not happy with your move and they are evidently not happy with each other. They need to deal with this themselves as adults. You nor your children cannot make up for the lack of happiness in their lives.

I'm not sure you or your children or your husband will be happy with waiting a year to get back together. It may even be harder for you to leave after one year of living that close with them in their house. To me, this does not sound very healthy for your marriage or family.

Does your happiness depend on your mother being happy?

While all the moving may not have been ideal it is a done deal so everyone needs to mentally consider the options. I certainly think your immediate family should move to this new opportunity. The only question I have which has not been brought up is their considering a move to where your sibling is. Another major factor in my mind would be cost of care for them as they age. In my case my husband and I lived in NY as did my mother. We were nearing retirement. The cost of her care there as well as our property taxes were very prohibitive. It made sense while we were raising children and my husband had work but once those factors were eliminated it no longer did and we also wanted a warmer climate. We chose to move to SC both for our retirement and cost of her care in AL which is half of the costs where we were in NY. I am her only child. The move has been a positive one for all of us. Might you consider the costs of their care in the 2 states where you and your sibling are?

I have 3 grown children and at present 3 grandchildren. They are in Texas,Utah and California. My husband and I cannot imagine ourselves living in those states. We might consider the Utah one but we would be back to living with snow which we don't want. I very much wish I lived closer to at least one child but it will not be the case at least anytime soon. They visit us and we visit them.

If your parents will feel isolated with your move then they have the option of considering moving to where one of their children are and where their grandchildren are. While certainly not always the case a true sense of happiness would be their feelings for the success of their children.