How do I move on without my Mom?

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I'm feeling so sad. My eyes are always swollen and have headaches everyday. My sweet momma passed away, April 6, 2017. She was 75 years old. Today is her birthday, she would have been 76. She lived with my son, husband and I. I left my place of work to take care of her 6 1/2 years ago. After my dad passed, I didn't want her to be alone, plus she was getting over an infection she had in her arm. It was an honor to take care of her. As the years went by, she had other problems come and go. In 2014, she was in the bathroom and fell. I didn't want to wake up my son or husband at 3:30 AM for help. So yes, I tried to get her up myself. Well I picked her up, but she couldn't get her feet onto the floor, so I had to put her back down gently. (I think I picked her up too high). Still had to wake up my husband. But ever since that day, I have leg pain, back pain. I've had several procedures done and see pain management. Still taking care of Mom, things do become more difficult for me. Last year she was in and out of the hospital. The 5th time to ER, they decided she had to start dialysis. Too many fluids on her. Our original plan was to do Peritoneal Dialysis (PD) So a few months later she had the catheter placed to start the home PD. That is something I told her I would do prior to getting hurt. But I still wanted to do it for her. So she didn't have to go out for dialysis three days a week. So we went to training, and she was now a PD patient. I hooked her up in the evening, and unhooked her after 10 hours. Once things were adjusted properly, she did very good.
Except for last Sept. things went hay wire for her. The doctors at the hospital were questioning why we went to PD? Nephrologist Dr said it was ok prior. She had a metabolic stroke. (alot of things going on at once, I was told what caused that type of stroke). She had to go to nursing home for 21 days. (all the insurance would pay for, after 21st day would have been over 100$ a day out of pocket) So I brought her home, where she was much more happy! Did have help of an aide for 2 months, during the time she had PT and saw a nurse. She was better, but not quite the same after this stroke.
Was March 23rd had to call 911 to take her to hospital. She was having severe back pain, where she had major back surgery in 2003. Plus her ankle looked open (from rolling walker) and looked infected. The ER Dr decided she should stay for
IV antibiotics. He gave her morphine for pain. The nurse told me what it was after I asked. I told her, I wasn't sure I wanted her to have morphine. She said it's a low dose.
I'm beating my self up for this next thing.... I 'always' stay with her, until she is taken to her room. But I wasn't feeling well, plus she also told me to go home. So I kissed her, and told her "I love you, I'll see you tomorrow". But....the next morning, they call me. She wasn't responding, and had a stroke and vomited and needed to be put on a ventilator. OMG!!
During her stay in ICU, she also had Aspiration pneumonia (from vomiting), C-diff infection,
Seizures, UTI & Septic. Was lucky to get any response from her. I looked all of it up. Most can cause unconsciousness. I already missed her! She never wanted to be on a ventilator. But never did the DNR. But I was wanting to see if it would help her get better. On April 5th, she opened her eyes and seemed a little better. Then April 6th, I got the call from ICU. Her heart had stopped and they were doing CPR. I flew to the hospital (in the car). They were still working on her. Could see as someone walked in or out. I became an emotional mess. And knew then...that when they called me, she was already gone. (to be with our Heavenly Father, Dad & Brother).
I was feeling happy for her. But not knowing how I would survive without my best friend, my precious Mom.
Thank you for listening.... Wanted to share my journey and my love for my Mom.


Has anyone else had issues with changing from Hemo Dialysis to Peritoneal Dialysis?


Has anyone else had a stroke after receiving morphine?


I know it will not bring my Mom back. But if it could help someone else, then it is definitly worth knowing.


God bless

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Surelee, I'm so sorry for your loss, you sound like such a wonderful loving daughter. Unfortunately, it was just her time, with so many health issues piling up, all at one time, and I'm quite sure the low dose morphine had anything to do with her death, as of course she needed that pain relief, just as any other person who is in pain deserves.

You were fabulous, doing all the caregiving in your home for so long, and thankfully you had a great relationship with your Mom, which made it all that much more enjoyable! As your grief turns to memories of the truly wonderful life you had together, things will ease up, and it does get better!

I too had such a loving relationship with my Mom, and it's been over 13 years since she passed away, just 14 months after we lost our wonderful Dad. It's the happy time that get us through, and you will get to that point, but for now, you will need to acknowledge all the different stages of grief, and deal with them in the best way possible.

I do know that grief counseling helps a lot of people, and thankfully I have many siblings, that I was able to lean on, so didn't need to take advantage of that, but you do whatever it takes, to help you through this difficult time!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now, God bless you and your wonderful Mom! Take care!
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So sorry for your loss!! All your love and care could not stop her from having more strokes, and aspiration pneumonitis from vomiting can be deadly even in younger people in better health. You probably could not have done a thing to have stopped that from happening even if you had been there when it did. It sounds like she fought hard too but could not fight off all those infections and vascular problems.

When your grief starts to let up even a little - it never totally goes away and you would not want it to - realize it is time to take care of you and make sure your family does not lose you too! I'd bet you did not have time to get all the medical care you should have for a while. Do anything special you can think of to memorialize Mom in meaningful ways, and even consider a grief support group for you. Big hugs and prayers for all of you!
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Dear surelee,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved and cherished mom. I know you did everything you could for her and only wanted to protect her. I know this is a very difficult time. As part of our grief we all tend to reply the last days over and over again. I'm so sorry there are no good answers. I know its cold comfort. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. You were a very devoted and loving daughter and your mother was so lucky to have you.
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I am very familiar with PD and hemodialysis. Did she develop peritonitis? PD is much more gentle on the body than hemo.
People with End Stage Renal Disease have so many problems due to kidney failure. For instance they are prone to infections as their immune system is compromised.
Your mom's experience sounds like everything bad happened to her all at once. I am very sorry to hear this. You did a wonderful job of caring for her - learning PD, hooking her up to the cycled each night.
Every doctor will offer their opinion and often not coordinate with what another said. It sounds like at the end when your mom was hospitalized that is what occurred. A CG holds on and looks for any sign of hope that their family member will get better.
You did the best you could for your mother. People with kidney failure are prone to many comorbid conditions, including strokes. I am sorry you had to see the staff walking in and out of the room during her cardiac arrest. I am sure that everything that could have been done was attempted.
 I do not think morphine caused her stroke. Because of her kidney disease and/or high blood pressure (which over the years can cause kidney failure) her blood vessels also are effected.  You don't know if her blood pressure was high over the years which cause the blood vessels to weaken and a stroke occurs. 
I am sorry for your loss. It is very hard to lose your mom. She suffers no more. 
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Surelee, God Bless you and thank-you for sharing your story.
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Sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. My mother had a stroke after receiving morphine? She died from that stroke. You will survive.
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